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Subject: "Happiness After Herpes"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Feb-10-02, 06:21 PM (CST)
 
"Happiness After Herpes"
 
   This is something I wrote awhile ago. I have been asked to repost it here. Hope it helps


I don't know about you, but when I was diagnosed with herpes, I thought my chances for ever being truly happy again were pretty much shot. I thought my sex life would never be the same again, if I ever even had sex again at all. I felt I would always feel dirty and contaminated. I was depressed by the thought of never having condom-free sex or barrier free oral sex again, and what about having kids? I worried that fear of transmission would
ruin sex for me and my partner. I thought no one I really wanted would want me with this. I was afraid I would never again experience love, that I would never get married, never have kids- and if I did, I would be with someone I felt I had to settle for because no one else would take me, someone I didn't really love or want or desire. I was scared and depressed by the thought that the rest of my life would be lonely and unfulfilled, and that I would die alone. I thought my dreams were doomed. I felt if there was any chance at happiness, it would come from the OUTSIDE- a vaccine, a miracle drug, an apologetic call from the hospital saying it was all a big mistake...

What I never dreamed then was that I could and would have all the happiness that I thought herpes had stolen from me, and more- once I found strength on the INSIDE.

Looking back now, it saddens me to think of all the time I wasted being unhappy over this. Either not dating, or ending relationships before they got sexual because I was afraid to tell
and face rejection. And all the time not realizing that the thing that was keeping me alone was not herpes, but ME- and my own fear.

I have a lot of sympathy for the person I was then, I'd like to hug her and show her the wonderful future that was waiting there the whole time, waiting for her to just open the door and let someone in again. I know she would have felt much better if I could just show her her future, that it would be filled with love and sex and all the things she dreamed of, that herpes really would not be an issue for her or her partner, even though he didn't have herpes. That sex could and would be wonderful and uninhibited and condom-free, that she wouldn't feel dirty or contaminated. That this happiness did not require anything from the outside, not finding out that the diagnosis was a big mistake, not a vaccine, not some new miracle drug- but just two people falling in love, like it happens all the time, being honest
with one another and loving eachother even more for that honesty. I can't go back in time and tell her these things, but I can tell you. And maybe that wasted time will not be so wasted if my story can save someone else an hour, a day, a month, or years of wasted time due to a herpes diagnosis.

Finding happiness again, for me, didn't come all at once. It started with just really living in other areas of life. Doing the things I wanted to do. Taking care of myself. Working out. Pursuing my own unique interests. Keeping work exciting and enjoyable. Valuing myself and my life again for everything it was.

And after doing this for awhile, life was pretty good again. But I still hadn't met that person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I remember one night I was reflecting on my life, and finally decided I really wanted to find love, someone I could love forever. I am not a religious person, though I am a spiritual person. Depending on the philosophy you have, you could say I prayed, sent a wish to the universe, or formulated an intention. I asked for someone to love completely, who would love me for everything I am. I resolved to try. I realized though, that the workoholic, sheltered lifestyle I led made it almost impossible for that person to find me. So I wrote up a description of myself that really reflected who I was, and a description of who I ideally wanted. And then I sent that message out into the universe. Yes, I posted an Internet personals ad. To my surprise, my wish list was answered by many but most importantly, by the man I would come to love. He was everything I ever dreamed of-and more that I hadn't dared to hope for. The fear almost ruined it for me again, unfortunately. Fear of rejection, fear of telling. I put off sex until he had started to come to the conclusion that deep down, I really just didn't want him as a lover. And so finally, when it seemed I would lose him and therefore had nothing to lose- I told. I realized in that moment before I told how cowardly I
had been, and how faithless.

Funny, how the revelation I thought would ruin my chances at love was the thing that saved it. When I told him, he was relieved and happy. Not because he had it too. He didn't. But because it was something we could deal with together, it wasn't that I didn't want him, it wasjust a small thing that had no chance of ruining something as great as we had found with eachother.

From then on, things just fell into place. We talked a lot. I made him read though a lot of information. And waited a good ten days or so after the OB I had gotten, likely from the stress at the prospect of losing him, or of telling. And with great anticipation, after a lot of very sexy emails about what I though was and wasn't "safe" to do in bed, we consummated our relationship. It was, without a doubt, the single most incredible sexual experience I had ever had in my life. Oh what a difference real love makes.

At first I insisted on condoms and spermicide. However they were proving ineffective for us as birth control, and irritating to him. I thought I was protecting him with all of my precautions. One night when I was worrying, he turned to me and said he almost wished he would just get herpes now so I would stop worrying and we could enjoy ourselves.

I realized then that what I was doing in trying to protect him was more even hurtful in another way. We talked with my doctor, and decided to stop using the condoms, and I went on the Pill. While he was okay with the risk, I wanted to do anything I could to protect him that wouldn't interfere with our enjoyment of one another, so I went on suppressive therapy. Though I didn't get frequent OB's, studies show that this can reduce asymptomatic shedding by 95%. Given that the female to male risk of transmission is only 4.5% if you simply avoid sex during outbreaks and prodrome, I figured that gave us pretty great odds of not transmitting. So far, so good. Life is good. Love is great. Sex is wonderful, and he has shown no symptoms of contracting H. We have a great life together. And herpes is not an issue in our relationship, or our sex life.

Sometimes I wonder if it weren't for the herpes, if I would be as happy as I am today. If the growth, understanding, and acceptance I experienced have made it possible for me to be as happy as I am today. If the up-front communication and problem solving this helped us learn hasn't made this my best relationship ever. If the "proof" of my honesty and character demonstrated by my telling didn't open him up- to love and trust in a way he couldn't otherwise. Or if being accepted with the herpes hasn't freed me in some way I couldn't have before to love more truly, more deeply, and more completely than I could have before herpes.

It isn't possible to know what "might have been" if I had never contracted herpes. I do suspect that some, if not all, of the above positive contributions to my life now are true. I do know that today, if I were given the opportunity to go back in time to the moment I got this and take it back, I wouldn't do so. I wouldn't risk changing the course of events to the life I have now.

If you had told me five years ago that I would turn down the opportunity to go back in time and undo the moment I got herpes, I would never have believed it. I would in fact not have believed that I could be as happy as I am now. It's only now that I realize that negative belief is exactly what was keeping me from happiness in the first place. It wasn't herpes that was the problem. It was my own fear. The stats on this board run about 3 of 4 telling experiences going well, relationships that continue and are not broken up by the herpes issue. Relationships can and will break up for other reasons of course. Herpes is a small one compared to all the others. One thing that is true however- you can't win if you don't try. If you don't give yourself the chance to love, the best you can hope for is 0 of 0. I'll take 3 of 4 over that any day.

I don't know you and I don't know your whole story. I hope though, that if you see yourself doing the things I did, thinking the way I did, and making the mistakes I did, that you can learn from my mistakes. That you will be smarter than me, and stronger than me, and have more faith in yourself and the power of love than I did. That you will not waste the time I did making myself unhappy for no good reason.

Herpes is, in the end, an itty bitty little skin virus that biggest problem most of us have with it is the emotional aspect, which is almost entirely about our own fear.

There IS happiness after herpes. Like anything else worthwhile in life, it involves taking some risk. Most of the time, the only thing stopping you from getting what you really want is you.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
Happiness After Herpes [View All] Lisa2 (Guest) Feb-10-02 TOP
   RE: Happiness After Herpes MB (Guest) Feb-15-02 1
   RE: Happiness After Herpes sista (Guest) Feb-17-02 2
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Feb-20-02 3
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Bashful (Guest) Feb-22-02 4
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Cat7 Oct-12-07 177
              RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Oct-12-07 178
          RE: Happiness After Herpes gman Oct-14-07 180
          RE: Happiness After Herpes lixonn Oct-27-10 214
              Have you tried different antivirals? Rajahadmin Oct-27-10 215
      RE: Happiness After Herpes I_poz Mar-23-07 152
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Ophelia (Guest) Apr-02-02 5
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Apr-03-02 6
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Ms. Facts (Guest) Apr-11-02 7
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Apr-12-02 8
          RE: Happiness After Herpes rx woman (Guest) Jun-24-02 17
              RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 26
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Ruth (Guest) Apr-14-02 9
      RE: Happiness After Herpes dcc (Guest) Apr-18-02 10
          RE: Happiness After Herpes R (Guest) Apr-23-02 11
              RE: Happiness After Herpes Beth (Guest) Apr-24-02 12
                  RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Oct-02-02 27
                      RE: Happiness After Herpes sir. herpes a lot Jan-03-06 104
                          It's easy for a post to get lost in this huge thread.. Rajahadmin Jan-04-06 105
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Bee (Guest) Apr-25-02 13
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 25
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Been reading your story (Guest) May-01-02 14
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 24
   RE: Happiness After Herpes mdsungoddess (Guest) Jun-16-02 15
   RE: Happiness After Herpes stormy Jun-23-02 16
   RE: Happiness After Herpes neekyboo (Guest) Jun-27-02 18
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Rajahadmin Jun-28-02 19
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Dixie (Guest) Jul-03-02 21
          RE: Happiness After Herpes angelfromGod Aug-15-08 210
      RE: Happiness After Herpes smile May-12-05 81
      RE: Happiness After Herpes help I need somebody Jul-14-05 87
      RE: Happiness After Herpes thinkerwisfhul Oct-30-05 103
   RE: Happiness After Herpes dixie (Guest) Jul-02-02 20
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 23
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Mare (Guest) Jul-10-02 22
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-05-02 28
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Ruby1 Dec-05-02 29
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-06-02 30
              It gets better if you let it Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-06-02 31
                  RE: It gets better if you let it Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-10-02 32
      RE: Happiness After Herpes dolly haze Jun-20-05 85
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Mary (Guest) Dec-13-02 33
      A few words of encouragement... Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-22-02 34
          Lisa2 proves, once again, that... Rajahadmin Dec-22-02 35
              Aw, shucks... Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-22-02 36
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Jude (Guest) Dec-24-02 37
      Hi Jude Lisa2 Jan-14-03 40
   RE: Happiness After Herpes pg (Guest) Jan-02-03 38
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Steph (Guest) Jan-03-03 39
      RE: Happiness After Herpes fil (Guest) Jan-15-03 41
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jan-15-03 42
   RE: Happiness After Herpes adam (Guest) Feb-10-03 43
      RE: Happiness After Herpes msmom Feb-11-03 44
   RE: Happiness After Herpes lisa as well (Guest) Mar-19-03 45
      RE: Happiness After Herpes msmom Mar-19-03 46
      You deserve better Lisa2 (Guest) Jun-13-03 50
          RE: You deserve better gcc Jan-17-05 76
   RE: Happiness After Herpes danny5 (Guest) May-09-03 47
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jun-13-03 51
   RE: Happiness After Herpes palmtree May-12-03 48
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Workout12 (Guest) May-20-03 49
   RE: Happiness After Herpes katied (Guest) Jul-23-03 52
   RE: Happiness After Herpes TWTCH (Guest) Jul-29-03 53
      Glad my story helped you Lisa2 Sep-12-03 56
          RE: Yoshi2me Sep-12-03 58
          RE: Glad my story helped you Brand new to herpes Aug-12-06 123
              RE: Glad my story helped you auntiejessiadmin Aug-12-06 124
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Ann (Guest) Aug-04-03 54
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Sep-12-03 57
   RE: Happiness After Herpes joanna Aug-05-03 55
      Glad to have helped, Joanna Lisa2 Dec-05-03 59
          Lisa2!!! Rajahadmin Dec-05-03 60
              Hi Rajah! Lisa2 Feb-12-04 65
   RE: Happiness After Herpes blizzard Dec-13-03 61
   RE: Happiness After Herpes flowerchild Dec-13-03 62
      RE: Happiness After Herpes honey Jan-03-04 63
          RE: Happiness After Herpes :-) Sep-22-04 70
   RE: Happiness After Herpes thankful Jan-09-04 64
      Glad to hear it Lisa2 Feb-12-04 66
   RE: Happiness After Herpes lisa33 Mar-10-04 67
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Mar-15-04 68
          RE: Happiness After Herpes ddd Oct-26-04 72
          RE: Happiness After Herpes No one left to love Jul-14-05 88
   RE: Happiness After Herpes january121 Dec-06-04 73
   RE: Happiness After Herpes struggling Jan-05-05 74
      I'm glad we're helping.. Rajahadmin Jan-05-05 75
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 May-24-05 82
          Lisa2!!!! OMG!! Rajahadmin May-24-05 83
              Hi Rajah Lisa2 May-26-05 84
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Diamondgirl Mar-26-05 77
      Care to discuss? Rajahadmin Mar-28-05 78
          RE: Care to discuss? T Jul-31-05 90
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Ready T. Live Mar-28-05 79
   RE: Happiness After Herpes KS May-05-05 80
   RE: Happiness After Herpes "makayla" Jun-28-05 86
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Hurt but hopeful Jul-31-05 89
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Surreal Jul-31-05 91
              Re Happiness After Herpes Hurt but hopeful Jul-31-05 92
          RE: Happiness After Herpes cas Jul-31-05 93
          RE: Happiness After Herpes sp905 Sep-13-06 127
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Bewitchme Aug-01-05 94
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Aug-30-05 95
          Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.. Rajahadmin Aug-30-05 96
              RE: Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.. Peggy Sep-02-05 97
              RE: Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.. Lisa2 Sep-07-05 98
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Joyce Sep-16-05 99
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Oct-11-05 100
          Hello Everebody, wakeup!;-) Annomilooto Sep-25-07 176
   RE: Happiness After Herpes susie2 Oct-23-05 101
      Lisa2's message is a classic in every way.. Rajahadmin Oct-26-05 102
   Addendum Lisa2 Feb-06-06 106
      RE: Addendum Molly55 Feb-09-06 107
      RE: Addendum Kelly Feb-20-06 109
          For Kelly howladmin Feb-21-06 110
          RE: Addendum Lisa2 May-22-06 115
              I'm pretty sure this has to be the record for.. Rajahadmin May-22-06 116
                  RE: I'm pretty sure this has to be the record for.. Lisa2 May-26-06 119
      RE: Addendum expecting3178 Apr-14-06 113
          RE: Addendum Mizzie May-24-06 118
   RE: Happiness After Herpes socal Feb-20-06 108
      RE: Happiness After Herpes ga guest Jun-13-06 121
   RE: Happiness After Herpes pikione Mar-11-06 111
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Depressed Mar-28-06 112
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Amy May-11-06 114
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Thank you. May-24-06 117
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Iamme Jun-11-06 120
   RE: Happiness After Herpes WhatNext Jul-07-06 122
   RE: Happiness After Herpes lorrie45 Aug-12-06 125
   RE: Happiness After Herpes tracey Aug-29-06 126
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Confused djg Oct-19-06 128
      RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Oct-19-06 129
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Sarah Oct-22-06 130
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Oct-26-06 131
          Can you believe it, Lisa2? 132 posts counting this. Rajahadmin Oct-26-06 132
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Buff Nov-09-06 133
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Nov-22-06 134
   RE: Happiness After Herpes overloaded_badluck Dec-20-06 135
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Marianne Dec-21-06 136
          RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Dec-21-06 137
              RE: Happiness After Herpes overloaded_badluck Dec-21-06 138
                  RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Dec-22-06 139
                  Meet me in support... msmom Dec-22-06 140
                  RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Feb-21-07 144
   RE: Happiness After Herpes manda Jan-20-07 141
      RE: Happiness After Herpes ScaredWhy Feb-10-07 142
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Anna25 Feb-20-07 143
              RE: Happiness After Herpes ScaredWhy Feb-28-07 145
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Q2007 Mar-18-07 146
      RE: Happiness After Herpes C16679admin Mar-18-07 147
          RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-18-07 148
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Mar-19-07 149
          Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Rajahadmin Mar-19-07 150
              RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Lisa2 Mar-20-07 151
                  RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. new and scared Mar-25-07 153
                      RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. auntiejessiadmin Mar-25-07 154
                      RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Lisa2 Apr-04-07 155
                          RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. sweetnfeisty Apr-04-07 156
                          RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. new and scared Apr-04-07 157
                              RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Lisa2 Apr-19-07 158
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Jennyfromla May-19-07 159
      One more thank you! jennyfromla May-21-07 160
          You're more than welcome, Jenny.. Rajahadmin May-22-07 161
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 May-29-07 162
          RE: Happiness After Herpes jennyfromla May-30-07 163
   RE: Happiness After Herpes gina-d Jul-09-07 165
      RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Jul-09-07 166
          RE: Happiness After Herpes lynn23 Jul-09-07 167
              RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jul-17-07 170
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jul-17-07 169
          RE: Happiness After Herpes Happy111 Jul-20-07 171
   RE: Happiness After Herpes LadyM Aug-02-07 172
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Aug-02-07 173
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Hannah Sep-01-07 174
      Good for you, Hannah... Rajahadmin Sep-01-07 175
   RE: Happiness After Herpes gman Oct-14-07 179
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Thoughtful Mind Oct-30-07 181
      RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Oct-31-07 182
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jan-03-08 189
   RE: Happiness After Herpes newbie Nov-05-07 183
      Yes, Lisa2 still visits from time to time.. Rajahadmin Nov-07-07 185
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jan-03-08 187
   RE: Happiness After Herpes VitalSigns Nov-05-07 184
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jan-03-08 188
   RE: Happiness After Herpes finally a cure!! Nancy Nov-12-07 186
      RE: Happiness After Herpes finally a cure!! matt51 Jan-04-08 190
          RE: Happiness After Herpes finally a cure!! Lisa2 Jan-04-08 191
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Andrea Mar-02-08 192
      RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-02-08 193
   RE: Happiness After Herpes janedoe64 Mar-04-08 194
      RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-04-08 195
          RE: Happiness After Herpes apple1 Mar-31-08 196
              RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-31-08 197
   RE: Happiness After Herpes snowbunny May-31-08 198
   Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 199
      RE: Desperately needing advice... Raven00144 Jun-22-08 200
          RE: Desperately needing advice... auntiejessiadmin Jun-22-08 201
              RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 203
                  RE: Desperately needing advice... C16679admin Jun-22-08 204
                      RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 205
                          RE: Desperately needing advice... graceadmin Jun-23-08 206
                              RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-25-08 208
          RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 202
   RE: Happiness After Herpes Matt14 Jun-25-08 207
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jul-03-08 209
          RE: Happiness After Herpes angelfromGod Aug-15-08 211
   RE: Happiness After Herpes ChloeCat Sep-24-09 212
   RE: Happiness After Herpes ronnie234 May-09-10 213
   RE: Happiness After Herpes SweetGirl Dec-12-10 216
   RE: Happiness After Herpes renemarie Jul-24-12 217
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Peggy Aug-08-12 218
      RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Apr-28-14 220
   RE: Happiness After Herpes yakima2013 Mar-02-13 219


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