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Subject: "Lost..."     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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ND711
Member since Aug-24-10
4 posts
Aug-24-10, 08:30 PM (CST)
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"Lost..."
 
   I'm not sure where to even start with this, so please bear with me.

Recently got back together with my very recent X, during our break we both dated and she contracted HSV2, and unknowingly(?) shared with me.
I'm waiting back on a culture as well as a blood test from PP, but my exam of my first OB was deemed to be HSV2.

I of course was/am devastated and let her know it to the fullest extent. I feel now that I'm so incredibly limited in life. I feel I need to 'settle' with her, just because of our now shared status. We had a good thing going, when trying to re-kindle our relationship till this news broke and now I'm just not sure how to go about it. I want to have her in my life because of our history but because of the recent happenings I also feel the most intense malice I've ever felt towards anyone.

I know no one else with HSV and I'm feeling incredibly lost and to be honest suicidal. I know it's no reason to feel that way, but I feel like my life and my will to do what I choose in life has been taken from me by her. I'm not sure how to go about handling my personal relationships now, between her and I or anyone else I choose to get involved with.

I've always felt my body was my temple and my sanctuary and now that I've contracted this virus I feel unclean and I'm not OK with myself.

The things I love to do no longer hold any appeal. I can't talk to any potential interests with out looking down in shame. I'm lost and depressed and yeah... just had to get that out there. I've read many accounts similar to mine on here and I see that many can and do get along in life just fine with this but I'm having the hardest time accepting it. The hardest time forgiving her for what she did to me and the hardest time accepting what's happened and moving on.

I was given a round of Acylovir from PP for the initial OB and was told I would be able to suppress subsequent OB's if taken daily. I'm unemployed and without any health benefits, any suggestions on how to go about acquiring my medications?

Thanks for any responses I may or may not get. I just had to get this out there for SOMEONE, ANYONE to read and hopefully gain some insight on how other's have handled this.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: Lost... C16679admin Aug-24-10 1
  RE: Lost... Lenoreadmin Aug-25-10 2
     RE: Lost... ND711 Nov-13-10 3
         RE: Lost... deb54 Nov-13-10 4
             RE: Lost... ND711 Nov-13-10 5
                 RE: Lost... C16679admin Nov-13-10 6
                 RE: Lost... Lenoreadmin Nov-13-10 7
                     RE: Lost... deb54 Nov-13-10 8
                         RE: Lost... ND711 Nov-24-10 9

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C16679admin
Member since Aug-29-06
9733 posts
Aug-24-10, 09:19 PM (CST)
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1. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #0
 
   Hi, there. Welcome to HHP!

So, you got an OB and when you told her you noticed symptoms, she admitted that she knew she was infected with HSV-II?

I'm just trying to understand the chain of events since you clearly blame her for this. And, yeah, if she knew she had it, she should have told you. But about 20% of men have HSV-II and most people (men AND women) who are infected don't realize it. You can go for a long time without an obvious outbreak, so it can make it tough to figure out just when you got infected. Also, most doctors don't test for HSV routinely or even when someone requests a full STD screen. So people can think they are STD-free and actually have it and pass it on. If you've never previously been tested, there's a chance that you had it already or that you possibly had given it to her before the breakup.

What has she said about all this?

How was she diagnosed with HSV-II? I'm glad you had a culture AND the blood test. When the results come in, get a hard copy of both and you can post them here if you want help interpreting things. Get the hard copy either way so you can see the results for yourself. You want to make sure the blood test was a type-specific IgG blood test. If your culture is positive, but your blood test is negative, that would mean it's a new infection for you. It can take up to 16 weeks to develop the antibodies the test looks for, though many people will seroconvert sooner.

If you had a good thing going when you got back together, having Herpes doesn't have to change anything. Now, if you do believe she was deceitful about her status or if she actually tried to get you infected deliberately, obviously that's a different issue and you may very well NOT want to be with her because of lack of trust, etc. But if she was uninformed about the virus (and some docs give out misleading info), or didn't realize she was infected, then this doesn't really change whatever good stuff you all have together.

Everyone is upset by this diagnosis. That's perfectly natural. If you are truly suicidal, please call a suicide hotline. But, as you seem to know intellectually on some level, this very common virus is hardly a reason to end your life. It doesn't need to suck the enjoyment out of your life or ruin most of the stuff you like to do. It only impacts future sexual relationships, and then, not all that much really. And, hon, your "temple" is already teeming with germs and bacteria and probably some viruses. Have you ever had the chicken pox? If so, you already had that herpesvirus hanging out in your sanctuary. I'm not trying to be mean, and I get it--being healthy is important. I'm guessing you take good care of yourself, and good health is a big deal. But Herpes is by and large, just an occasionally recurring annoyance, physically speaking. It doesn't make you "sick" or unhealthy.

You can choose to take the antivirals suppressively if you like. It's not mandatory, so if you can't afford the drugs, you can see how you do without taking them daily. The Acyclovir is pretty darn cheap, though. You would, however, need a doctor's prescription. I would see if PP will write you a script for at least 3 months of daily Acylovir, and see if they would be willing to put refills on it. That way you'd be covered for a while if you do want to use it daily. If you opt not to, you still have the Rx on file in case you need it in the future (obviously there are time limits that an Rx is good for, but it gives you some flexibility for several months to a year or so).

If you stay in the relationship with her, you don't need the meds to prevent transmission. Some newly diagnosed people just like the peace of mind taking the medication suppressively offers. And the virus can be more active at first, plus your body isn't so used to dealing with it. But some people do pretty well after their primary and don't have outbreaks enough to want to bother taking the meds daily. It's not a bad idea to keep enough pills on hand to cover an outbreak, though. You can still take the meds episodically even if you don't take them suppressively.

Anyway, back to the money issue--if you have a doctor who knows you have Herpes, they should be willing to write prescriptions for you without seeing you all the time. That's why I'm suggesting you get what you can out of PP now. Then you'll have that many months of meds before you need to worry about seeing another doctor (or going to your regular doctor, if you have one).

OK, it's late here and I feel like I'm babbling. I'm sorry that this happened as you were trying to work things out with your ex. Things will get better, and you'll be OK, even if you do break up with her. Hang in there.

Let us know if you have any questions.

C.


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Lenoreadmin
Member since Oct-22-04
4277 posts
Aug-25-10, 07:22 AM (CST)
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2. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #0
 
   If you were both with other people when you're weren't together, this is something that either of you could have gotten from another person and passed on. That risk is always there whenever you have sex.

Your body might be your temple, but it's susceptible to getting viral and bacterial infections, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc.. My point is that you aren't alone and this is basically life. 20% of men have HSV2. 60-80% of the population has HSV1. It almost seems pretty hard to avoid unless you avoid human contact.

Since anyone who has sex can get herpes, unless you think sexually active people are all unclean and someway flawed, there really isn't any reason for you to buy into the stigma. This is just a virus that people happen to get from having sex.

If you haven't read it already, there is a link on the main page to the herpes handbook and you can get a little educated about herpes which makes it a lot easier to have the discussion with a partner and to understand what is going on with your body.

Has your girlfriend actually been diagnosed?

Taking antivirals is a choice and not a necessity. Some people get outbreaks and some people don't get outbreaks and some people get very few outbreaks and some people don't get outbreaks that bother them enough to take a pill all the time.

It takes a little while to wrap your mind around things, but it helps not to buy into the stigma yourself.


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ND711
Member since Aug-24-10
4 posts
Nov-13-10, 03:48 AM (CST)
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3. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #2
 
   Hi there,
Checking back in, First off let me thank the both of you for taking the time to reply to my post! I'll try and fill in a bit here.
Correct, we had begun to see each other again and eventually ended up in the bedroom. I had asked before the deed if she had been tested because she wouldn't give me a clear answer as to whether or not she had sexual relations in the time we broke up. "That's none of your business, we were broken up" she said. Whether she was or wasn't tested I don't know, again, "it was none of my business" (read: didn't want to admit that she had other sexual relationships)
I had been previously tested and after each and every subsequent partner. 99.9 percent sure I'm not the responsible one. I'm not a huge fan of people sleazin around so it was never my style to do so in the first place (lost v-card at 18, only a handful of gf's and even less sexual partners.)

When we got back together she had told me she was taking medications for "girly problems" but it "wasn't an issue" and should clear up in a few days with the meds from her doc. After doing some research it seems this was probably part of the 'prodrome'and should have been the first red flag.
But she was my lover and friend so I trusted her. I don't recall seeing any medications, so I'm curious to know if she ever even went.

I was quick to assume it was HSV2 with the misconception that 1 was oral and 2 was genital. I'm still not clear on which it is. During my initial visit to PP I had both blood taken and a culture taken from a lesion. I did request a copy of the results but it seems VERY basic and I'm not sure how to go about interpreting them, if there is anything to interpret other then "positive". When I find my copy again (mid-move) I will follow up with the results and hopefully get some better insight. I was told because PP is a public service they only test for the presence of the virus rather then typing it, also that I would have to consult a private facility on my dime to find out that information. It sounds reasonable but I figured it was worth mentioning to see if anyone could tell me for sure either way, rather then hearsay.
Because I was worried about the initial OB, I went to get tested and it was visually deemed HSV (pending solid results of course)

She then went to get tested (again?) and was told it was HSV but the phone call in a week would tell for sure. My test was on a Thursday, that weekend we were supposed to go camping together with friends. I'm normally a pretty level headed guy, but I decided to partake in some 'party favors' and things went south from there. I said some extremely mean and hurtful things not being in a sober mindset, all truth But they need not be said at all.

Since, we have not spoken more then a couple texts worth to each other. She refuses to talk to me because of the things I said to her. While I was intoxicated and insanely angry, it's still no excuse for my actions as much as I'd like to say it is... the term 'crimes of passion' comes to mind.
I've accepted HSV and my responsibility in my aquisition but at the same time I still have a HUGE problem.

I'm still extremely extremely angry.

Because she won't talk to me, I have no closure with her. I've apologized profusely for my actions and honestly I'd just like to have her in my life as a friend or at least someone that can relate to our issue. I feel that she's irrepairable changed my life and was so guilty that she won't talk to me and because of the things I said to her, solidified her decision.

I guess what I'm asking is, how do you get over the anger at someone you loved and trusted and now won't speak to you at all, for closure or otherwise? I'm feelin alone out here and it's pretty much driving me nuts.

I've sought out this forum and am meeting other interests with the same condition through websites, but no one really seems to address from what I've seen; the issue of anger?

I'm not a malicious person at all by any means but because she just abandoned me to this new lifestlye I feel alone and incredibly angry. She makes me feel like I'm the one that lied to her about being safe and tested and gave it to her, and I should be punished for it. Like I said I could deal even if she didn't want to be my friend or my lady, but she won't have anything to do with me at all, won't even give me an hour of face time to talk a bit, apologize in person and see if I could get any feeling of resolution and closure out of it.



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deb54
Member since Jun-21-10
269 posts
Nov-13-10, 10:47 AM (CST)
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4. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #3
 
   Have you thought that she might now be afraid of you because of your anger? Also, how do you know you were tested for herpes in the past? Usually you have to request the test as it is not done in a normal STD screen. Maybe she is very wise to avoid you until you get your anger issues under control. And you are not alone in dealing with this--this site is a good place to start. When the younger people chime in, you will realize how prevalent this is and most of us who do have herpes live very normal lives and herpes is a very minor inconvenience. I've probably had herpes since 1975 and it has never changed my life. Didn't even have symptoms for years. You do have to be truthful to potential sexual partners--but you should be talking to them about STD's, pregnancy prevention etc anyway before letting passion overtake you. Acyclovir is very cheap at WalMart--you can afford it even if you aren't working. You need time to educate yourself about herpes and time to handle the extreme emotions you are feeling right now. Would you feel like you were being punished if you got a severe flu from someone? Sex has risks, love has risks--it's all part of life.


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ND711
Member since Aug-24-10
4 posts
Nov-13-10, 04:52 PM (CST)
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5. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #4
 
   Hi Deb,
I know I've previously been tested because of some other health issues and my doctor wanted a full blood panel including comprehensive STD screen. This was just before this gal and I got involved, and my results were reviewed with me by my PCP.
I'm OK with my HSV+ status, I know it is JUST an occasional skin rash that can be managed, it's not what I had planned for my life but I do realize that sometimes the proverbial sh*t happens.
I'm partially angry with her because I don't know if she lied to me about being safe and tested prior to being with me again, or if she actually came back to me fully knowing what was going on and tried to inoculate me out of spite. However I do know that I feel abandoned and without closure because I don't know how all of this came to be, which I feel is probably the biggest cause of my anger. If she would have stayed by my side, and helped see me through the initial shock and anger. I feel I wouldn't have this problem. One part of me says that she came back knowing what was going on and shared with me out of spite and the other side says that she came back without a clue and shared with me and my anger drove her away again. I'm not sure if she still see's the guy that gave it to her, but that also bothers me because she was happy or OK seeing that guy and with their now shared status are happy together, while I'm left alone and wondering and frustrated.
After posting last night, I shot her a random text message and like you stated, she is "terrified" of me.
Pretty much the reason for coming back here and posting was to ask how people learned to deal with their anger. While I don't believe the stats that are thrown around here are as high as they are, 1 in 5 guys or 20% or whatever the numbers are. I KNOW there has to be someone out there in a similar situation. This is my outreach to those people, or anyone that can advise me on how to deal with this anger, or suggest a resource for counseling.
As I stated before, I'm barely keeping my head above water as is and I don't have money to throw at a psychiatrist etc.
Also, will I need a 'script for walmart Acyclovir? I have no health insurance and the state denied me any coverage from them. With my initial visit to PP, I was give a Health Access Programs card, does anyone know what this is for and if it will help me in any way?

I also found the results for my screen, I'll try and put as much of the info down as possible.


Lab: -HSV Ag, DFA(slide)
Order Date : 8/20/2010
Collection Date :8/20/210
HSV Ag, DFA - Positive A (Negative)
Request Problem - NSER ()

Under that there are a few other tests, but I don't think they apply to my situation as they all read "non reactive" but I'll put the titles to the tests all the same and let you good folks guide me on that one.

RPR, RFX Qn RPR/Confirm TP-PA
Chlamydia Urine
Gonorrhea Urine
HIVI/II Plus 0
All Not Detected or Non Reactive.

If anyone has any free or low cost counseling/anger management resources in the Orange County area, or can help me decipher the above test results would be great.
Thanks for any help, advice and even just taking time out of your days to read my ramblings.


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C16679admin
Member since Aug-29-06
9733 posts
Nov-13-10, 10:20 PM (CST)
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6. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #5
 
   Hi, again.

I think it's great that you know you need some help dealing with your emotions and anger. That's a huge thing to realize and be open to getting help.

If I'm understanding you correctly, you don't have a lot of money, you don't have health insurance, but you don't qualify for the state healthcare for people who fall within a certain low-income level?

OK, I googled Health Access Programs Card and got this: http://www.health-access.org/item.asp?id=206

That link informs you that the card is administered by this organization: http://www.familypact.org/en/Clients/what-is-family-pact.aspx I'm not sure how much use this organization and card will be to you. It seems mostly targeted toward preventing pregnancy or helping maintain a healthy pregnancy. If you click on "Clients" you'll see a drop-down of choices and they do have a heading for STIs, so they may be an option for any future testing or treatment (maybe you can see a doc to get a prescription for antivirals) you might need. Also, under the "Safe and Healthy" choice, they have links for domestic violence. I don't know that you've crossed that line, but if you either have or if you're hitting road blocks finding help otherwise, you could possibly contact one of those organizations and see if they can direct you to an appropriate place since presumably they are in the business of trying to assist people with anger management to reduce violence.

Are you enrolled in college? If so, usually there are some health services and definitely a counseling center on campus. I think the services are usually cheap or free for students. Also, if you are in college, you might be able to buy health insurance offered to the students. That might be affordable.

Whether or not you are in college, you can always check (presumably online or go to an office) with your county department of social services to see if there are any services you qualify for based on income level. I don't know your whole situation and whether or not you might need/qualify for other kinds of assistance. Just because you don't qualify for the state Medicaid coverage doesn't necessarily eliminate you from receiving other services. So that's a general suggestion if you need help with food or shelter or paying utility bills, etc. Also, they may have referrals to counselors or anger management groups.

I don't know what the setup is in your state, but I believe every county has to have a community mental health department, which sorta falls under the department of social services, but is usually its own entity and located in a separate physical location. Large counties often have more than one community mental health center and they accept people based on address, splitting up the county between the different offices. The community mental health center is your best option for receiving counseling when you don't have insurance. They would charge you on a sliding scale depending on your income. Usually a mental health center will offer groups as well as individual counseling with a therapist and psychiatrists would also be on staff to provide medication management when necessary (just psychotropic meds, not the antivirals or anything else).

OK, so I think your best bet is to see what your department of social services offers and go through whatever referrals or links, etc, they have methodically to see what is appropriate and useful for you. Oh, and they would also have the contact info. for the regular health department as well. I don't know if PP charges you on a sliding scale or if you can afford to go to a doc-in-a-box kind of place, but if those aren't good options, you could try the health department to get a prescription for antivirals. And, yes, they are a prescription medication, so you do have to have an actual prescription. Usually if someone has a regular primary care doc or whatever, they will just write a year's supply (like a 90 day supply with 3 refills) for you. You shouldn't need to go in all the time to keep up the meds if you're using them for suppression. But a doctor does have to see you roughly annually to continue prescribing anything. If you go to one of these kind of clinics, I don't know if they get weird about long-term prescriptions. But I'd think they could give you a decent supply hopefully.

Walmart has sort of a weird thing going, but it is pretty cheap. The problem is, they refuse to comprehend that the standard suppressive dose for Acyclovir is 400 mg twice daily. They will give you a "month's" worth of Acyclovir for $4, but they consider that to be 30 of the 200 mg pills, which is not a dose for ANY treatment with Acylovir. I think they will give you 90 pills for $10. So if you don't mind playing their game and doing the math and swallowing extra pills, you can get a certain amount of suppression pretty cheap. Obviously you can call them to see just what they'd charge you for a normal 400 mg prescription. I would suggest you ask the pharmacy about this and figure out which way is cheapest or balances reasonable convenience with a price you can afford--and do this BEFORE you go see the doctor. Because if you need a weird prescription (like, for the 200 mg pills) you will need to explain to the doctor why you want it written that way and ask them nicely to please do *this* so that you can afford it. Then READ THE PRESCRIPTION before you leave to make sure it's what you asked for. Doctors don't always listen or they get distracted and go on autopilot and then will write the damn prescription another way. It's quicker to fix right on the spot which is why you need to read it before you leave.

OK, about your testing. Unless you specifically asked to be tested for Herpes in the past, or actually SAW test results for HSV, there's still a damn good chance you were never tested for it. Or if you were, frankly, it's luck of the draw if you had a doctor who had a clue and actually ordered the correct test. So, maybe you were fortunate and really were properly tested and negative in the past or maybe not.

As for your current result, I'm guessing it's the culture result since it says "slide" plus it doesn't say IgG anywhere. I've never seen culture results before...so this is saying the culture was negative? I'm not understanding the "positive A (negative)" thing. You also said they did a blood test. Do they have that result back? That should be a type-specific IgG blood test, ideally. They can do a combined IgG test and at least it would say negative or positive, but if it were positive, you wouldn't know if that meant positive for Type I AND Type II or just one of them. If the blood test is an IgM test, that's worthless, the wrong test. I just skimmed over your previous posts and you had a visual diagnosis pending the test results. Did they tell you this result was positive? If this is a new infection for you, your blood test will likely be negative since it can take up to 16 weeks to develop the antibodies the blood test is looking for.

We obviously can't know what your ex was thinking when she slept with you. As I already said, some doctors are idiots. She might have had symptoms and happily believed a doctor who might have said it WAS a "girly problem". Often an outbreak can look like a yeast infection in a woman. Now (and for future reference), if a girl is EVER being treated for any vaginal issues, she really shouldn't be having sex until it's cleared up. And that's for BOTH of your health. Some non-STD infections can be transmitted to a male partner and it just delays curing things.

Clearly the two of you had some problems or you wouldn't have been broken up in the first place. Hindsight is 20/20, but it was a HUGE red flag when she was sketchy about what she'd been up to while you all were on a break. Now, I can see that someone may choose to keep details off limits since you all weren't seeing each other at the time. I don't really think it's expecting too much to get a straight answer to "did you have sex with anyone else" though. But, I'm guessing your temper isn't a brand new thing, so maybe she was afraid you'd grill her about the details or judge her for "sleazing around" or whatever the term was that you used. And she might have been correct that your reaction wouldn't have been pretty. That would have been HER red flag to rethink getting back with you. At any rate, it seems clear that both of you all had some issues contributing to why your relationship wasn't working. Also, since she was being dodgy about her activities away from you, the better reaction from you would have been to say, OK, we don't have to talk about it, but I think we should both get STD testing done before we sleep together again. I know you wanted to trust her, but you already KNEW she wasn't being all that straight with you. Another missed red flag. And again, for future reference, if you are concerned about other STDs, the best course of action is to discuss this stuff with a potential partner and for both of you all to test and get copies of results and share them.

OK, so just from that tiny snapshot of your interactions with her, we know you both were a bit immature and you each have your own stuff contributing to the problem. I'm sorry to say, but closure is often a pipe dream. Everybody wants it. Been there, done that, myself. Or, lol, been there, tried to get that, and DIDN'T get that. It's pretty unusual to get closure because the nature of a break-up is that the other person probably doesn't want to talk to you or do anything nice/helpful for you and even if she purported to want to give you closure, whatever she told you would probably be a lie or at least not the real truth. Now, I think there's always a (slim) chance that if you got yourself into counseling, did some work there, and then contacted her to let her know you were serious about addressing your anger issues, *maybe* she would be willing to attend a session with you to discuss what happened. But even if she did, you'd still have to know that you might never be satisfied with whatever she says.

OK, I've written an entire dissertation here, lol. If I missed anything crucial or you have any other questions, lemme know.

Hang in there.

C.


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Lenoreadmin
Member since Oct-22-04
4277 posts
Nov-13-10, 10:54 PM (CST)
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7. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #5
 
   The statistics are from a huge survey by NHANES and it's on the CDC web site if you want to read about it. The 20% would be more of an average since the percentage changes depending on your age and ethnicity.

This is a person that you knew and trusted. It seems like a huge stretch for you to assume that she gave you herpes on purpose. It think it's way more likely that she just didn't know what was going on.

We can't change what happens to us in our lives, but we always have the choice of how we react to things.



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deb54
Member since Jun-21-10
269 posts
Nov-13-10, 11:37 PM (CST)
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8. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #7
 
   My monthly prescription for acyclovir at Walmart is $13.34. My health care provider writes the script to say 200mg. 2 tablets twice a day. If they write for 400 mg. tablets twice a day the price goes over $30. Only the 200 mg tablets are in the $4 a month price.


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ND711
Member since Aug-24-10
4 posts
Nov-24-10, 10:59 AM (CST)
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9. "RE: Lost..."
In response to message #8
 
   LAST EDITED ON Nov-24-10 AT 11:01 AM (CDST)
 
Hi again,
Your replies are greatly appreciated!

Correct, I'm strapped for cash in a bad way but I plan to inquire further with different resources to see what can be done or made available to me. I do have the Health Access card but I don't see much in the way of securing RX for suppression or OB's. To see a doctor for more antivirals, I'll need cash for a visit which is short right now. I can deal with the OB's (2, since diagnosis in Aug - 1 initial,1 recurrent:stress triggered), but I'd rather have them over sooner with the proper care and antiviral meds.

Just to clarify, I haven't crossed the physical abuse line (though I've never been closer to it.. my mom taught me better then that) although I'm learning through these experiences that mental abuse is just as bad or worse. Anger management or a psychologist is pretty much #1 on my agenda at the moment. Between the anger and sliding into depression where I find myself crawling out of bed to eat or shower and then sleeping another 16 or so hours, I understand I'll probably need a professional perspective. I hadn't considered that the college may have resources, with the spring semester coming up I'll definitely check into that further. Great idea!

Currently unemployed, I really appreciate the suggestions on low-cost/no-cost options available, or worth checking into.

To date, I haven't been charged by PP other then a request for a donation which I gladly gave. This was for my initial visit and testing. I'm not sure if they require payment for subsequent visits or to write RX 'scripts, as I have not been back since. I'll inquire with PP how exactly that works and see what can be done. Hopefully I'll be able to get a years supply, I'd like to go the suppressive therapy route but I'm going to read up on that further to see if there are any downsides to it. I'll check into the WalMart pharmacy for sure, that's cheap enough I can probably swing that.

While I can't say 110% sure I've been tested before, as I haven't ever actually had to take the time to ask for a copy of my medical jacket and review the information; I'm 99.9% sure. My last PCP was a younger fella, and he worked with me closely to find solutions to some other issues. When he stated that he wanted a full blood panel done, including a complete STD screen I trust (hehe.. trust.. what a concept) that he did include an HSV screen. I suppose there is only one way to find out, when searching around for more answers I'll inquire with his office to see if I can get a copy of my medical file.
It seems a lot of people don't believe or don't trust their doctor, the tests or the results (maybe rightfully so?) but I can say I've never felt anything like any of the symptoms before and all my previous partners other then the last have tested clean as well. (Yes, I have seen the test results for their HSV specific tests)

I have absolutely no clue as to my test results, PP didn't even call me to tell me I was positive, which they stated they would if the results came back positive. I called them 3 weeks after testing to "no one has called you about your results? Sorry, your positive." I went and got a one page, front side only, paper print out with the information I've posted above, no more. I'll call and inquire about any other information I might be able to squeeze out of them. Can I safely assume if my blood comes back negative, that this is a new infection? Or are there other variables and H-mysteries I have to decipher?

I understand that it takes two-to-tango, and I'm just as much to blame for my current position as she is. I know there were probably many many red flags. I know I should have used better judgement in the manner I approached things. Quoted for truth, "hindsight is always 20-20". I'd like to say I'm OK with my + status, as to the actual OB's but since I'm still pretty angry about it all I guess that wouldn't be entirely true. I do understand I may never get closure regarding this, but I'm really having a hard time accepting that as an answer and thinking that way really just makes me more angry and wanting to find answers that much more. I'm stubborn by nature, I suppose.

I told her I'm seeking help and that when the time comes I'd like to get together with her and ask some questions and try and get closure. When I do seek help for my anger issues, this whole mess will certainly be addressed and hopefully I can get some professional guidance as to how to best handle the encounter and what questions I may not have thought of to ask her which may help me in the end. Unfortunately, my inquiry of her was via text, and I didn't receive a reply. I'm trying to remain hopeful that she will at least give me an hour or so of her time, if she was sincere in saying she didn't know and it was all an accident I'm hoping that she still has a shred of feelings enough for me to grant me that. Even if I'm not satisfied with her responses.

I'd like to say she came back and passed the gift along unknowingly, but sitting down to think about our relationship and her behavior, again red flags. Damn that hind-sight.

After reading the CDC website,(thanks for the reference btw) it would seem to me the number given (20%+/-) is incredibly misleading! Initially when I read that number, I was actually kind of comforted by it and shared it with a potential sexual partner. Knowing the basis of the study though, I don't think I can comfortably throw those numbers around ever again as my age and demographic (as shown in the study) and no where near the 'average' given. In my opinion, to throw that 'average' out there without sharing the exact data that went into the study (as i did) seems irresponsible. Yet, if I were negative for HSV and I never even considered looking that far into it, how would one even ever know what data went into the study? I suppose when presented with the decision to have sexual relations or not based on HSV status, a person would be responsible for finding that data and what went into gathering that average. But for the every day person, I think that as I did, most ASSUME that number is about right given the source of the stats. In my opinion it's just as misleading as PP testing for STD's, but failing to mention that one of The most common STD's isn't even tested for??

Anywho, all those that took the time to reply, give advice, put me in my place or give me support. Thanks! I'll report back when I can get the blood results, or anything else that I think might prove worthwhile/informative to share. Till then, adios!




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