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Subject: "I feel like holding back mostly..."     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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squirrelthecat
Member since Jan-12-11
4 posts
Jan-12-11, 03:25 AM (CST)
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"I feel like holding back mostly..."
 
   Hi, I was diagnosed with Herpes in August of 2009, and since being aware of it, I've felt like I have shut myself from any sort of relationship from anyone. For the past 17 months, I've had problem with creating new relationships with people since I'm so self-conscious that people will leave me feeling disgusted they knew me and/or will tell others. I hear crude comments about the virus all the time, and it just gives me more reason to believe I shouldn't let anyone know about myself... I've dated guys, but have gained the reputation of a "tease" because I don't go too far with them because I never know how I should approach them. I'm also worried that they might tell someone. With friends, I can't tell whether they will be there for me, or keep making jokes about it. I just need some sort of advice of HOW to bring it up to someone I really want to gain a relationship with, and how to deal with some of the outcomes...
Thank you for taking your time to read this.


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2375 posts
Jan-12-11, 07:55 AM (CST)
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1. "RE: I feel like holding back mostly..."
In response to message #0
 
   Everyone and not just those of us that have HSV should be having discussions with potential partners PRIOR to sex. These discussions discuss past STD testing, sexual practices, birth control and anything else you feel is important. One in 4 women/5 men will test positive for HSVII and 90% of these 'ins' will be surprised because they have never had symptoms or mild ones that they could blame on something else. There are also other things that a potential partner may have that we can catch that they may not know that they have, so this is not just about our own HSV status.

If you do mot want to be known as a tease then stop teasing--do not let it get so far that you have to stop by not starting in the first place. One good thing about having this virus is it helps us weed out people. Sex is so easy to get now a days that if that is all they want from me then they can go get it somewhere else, but if they want more than just sex, then they have to accept the whole me and any issues/baggage that comes with me. This virus helps or forces us to take a more mature outlook on things.

When you hear someone make an off colored remark about HSV then this is the time to educate them on this virus and this can be done without revealing your own status. It is easy to make jokes and off comments about something you know almost nothing about and I guarantee that the people making these comments do not know much about HSV--even many doctors are not up to date on this virus.

There is no reason why you cannot engage in casual sex but you do need to discuss your status with any partners. Another poster on here never had problems with one nighters even after having this discussion with potential partners.

Raven00144


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squirrelthecat
Member since Jan-12-11
4 posts
Jan-14-11, 09:49 PM (CST)
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3. "RE: I feel like holding back mostly..."
In response to message #1
 
   It's just the fact I'm afraid to share the information about it because there's such a stigma about the virus, and I just get frustrated when I hear friends make comments about others like, "Oh she definitely has herpes. That girl is dirty." It's discouraging. When I have tried to share facts about the virus, people are often curious why I know so much about it, and then I'm sheltered out of the group conversation because I'm not making one of those cruel comments like the rest of them. I haven't even had the pleasure to tell one of my best friends about my situation because I hear her making so many cruel comments about it, and the face expressions she gives me every time I try to defend the awful image of the virus. I just feel as if the facts I do share are ignored.


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Lenoreadmin
Member since Oct-22-04
4277 posts
Jan-12-11, 04:04 PM (CST)
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2. "RE: I feel like holding back mostly..."
In response to message #0
 
   LAST EDITED ON Jan-12-11 AT 04:12 PM (CST)
 
Someone who came up with the coolest screen name in the world is obviously an interesting creative person.

I think the secret here is to loose the stigma that you have about herpes in your own mind and then nobody can make you feel badly about yourself.

I think most of the time a person that is really interested in you doesn't loose interest just because you have a virus that 25% of women and 20% of men have. I think it helps to remember that people are going to decide not to pursue a relationship for a whole variety of reasons.
Getting rejected because you have herpes does happen, but not as much as you think it does (check our polls).

The risk to a partner when you're taking antivirals and using condoms is the same as the risk of getting pregnant while taking birth control pills.......not really a huge risk in my mind.

Get educated so you can have an intelligent conversation with someone about this. Pay attention to people so you know if this is a person that you can trust. Don't devalue yourself because of this. This is too common of a situation to limit your life over.


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2375 posts
Jan-15-11, 03:18 PM (CST)
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4. "RE: I feel like holding back mostly..."
In response to message #2
 
   Losing the stigma in your own mind will help you in the long run. This is not easy, but like Lenore suggested-get yourself educated on this virus which does help with trying to have an intelligent conversation with another person.

A while back Cosmopolitan magazine, to far back to say you recently read it, but you can say you read an old issue, had an article on HSV and it was pretty up to date. When someone makes a joke about HSV, you can come back as "That would be funny but I recenly read in Cosmo that. . . . (whatever fits the joke/comment).

Consider the way these people behave over a common virus that they know almost nothing about. Is this the type of people you really want to be around? Are they just hang-out buddies? If so, then you will have to accept them the way they are and to let their comments roll off yor back. This will not be easy but it can be done with practice.

Raven00144


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