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Subject: "one month later still cant deal"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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Conferences Under 25, (Give or take a few) Topic #1903
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Member since Sep-1-13
2 posts
Sep-01-13, 08:13 PM (CST)
Click to EMail squid22 Click to send private message to squid22 Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
"one month later still cant deal"
   a month ago, two days before i left for a big three week trip out of the country i had sex with a guy at a party. i didnt really think much about it, we knew each other from other parties and there was always a mutual attraction. once i was out of the country a few days into my trip i noticed something weird down there.. i figured it was a heat blister or something because it was extremely hot and i was doing a lot of walking during the day. deep down i had a gut feeling that something was wrong. i asked him about it and he told me to go get checked for herpes. i went to the doctors out there and they confirmed my worst fears. i feel disgusting. i feel like my life is over. im so angry and him for not telling me. i feel like he took away my freedom he took away everything. im angry at myself for being so casual about hooking up with him. i feel like no man will ever love me. and guy now that i like or want to start a relationship with i will have to figure out a way to tell them this. and what will they say? the obvious, that its gross and they dont want any part of it. i feel like ill never be married now. i just feel like everything is wrong and im alone everytime i think about it i break down. im lost and i dont know what to do.

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2065 posts
Sep-02-13, 00:01 AM (CST)
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1. "RE: one month later still cant deal"
In response to message #0
If he knew beforehand and didn't let you know about his status so that you could discus precautions, regardless of the nature of your relationship, that's pretty lousy on his part. You have every right to be mad at him.

Even if you were having a "classic" outbreak, I hope they took a culture and a type specific blood test so that you can sort out not only whether you have herpes, but the type. This will be useful information for you to have.

Assuming the diagnosis is correct:

1. Your life is not over. It may take a while for you to wrap your mind around what this means, but trust me this is a bump in the journey not the end as you know it.

2. Dating is challenging with or without herpes, but here are some tips:
- you don't have to tell every person you go out with that you have herpes, only people you are going to have sex with and only once sex is likely
- you will need to disclose that you have genital herpes (and which type -- i.e. type 1 versus 2), but not give them a blow-by-blow of your entire dating history (it's a discussion, not a confession and there is a difference
- it will never be a fun conversation, but it is a doable one and not every person is going to run for the hills
- if you are having the discussion with someone who truly cares about you they are likely have a more positive reaction to things than you are now. Finding out after the fact is a completely different ball of wax than being told up front.

Although I am not 20 something, I did catch this when I was single and initially had the same sorts of fears. I dated a few guys after contracting herpes. Some I told by the second date, some never (obviously no sex with those guys), and others later on. I never got rejected over herpes. The last time I had the discussion because it was a long distance relationship I didn't tell my now husband till nearly 3 months into things. We are still together nearly 10 years later with 2 kids to our credit I take daily suppression and to the best of our knowledge my husband has not caught herpes from me.

I suggest you read the "Herpes Handbook" available at www.westoverheights.com. It will answer most of the question you have about herpes as well as a few you haven't even thought to ask yet. We of course are here to help you however we can.

You've been treated callously by this guy and that alone is going to take a bit of time to sort out and rebound from. It may not feel like it at this point, but you may have dodged a bullet. If your rendez vous had evolved into something more (i.e. dating) just imagine how he might have treated you in general. At this point you know to leave him in your dust if he can't even be straight up about his herpes status.

I hope this helps.

Be well,

Hoe eet jy 'n olifant? Bietjie vir bietjie.
(Translation from Afrikans: How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit.)

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