This is pretty weird. I never thought I could get herpes. I thought I was way far away from that stuff.
I got it like how a lot of other girls have gotten herpes, through oral sex. It's so disgusting. And to think if only I had known I could've stopped it from happening.
Having herpes has made me pay a little more attention to my body. There are weeks when I can tell that I need to slow down and rest and if I eat anything to cause an outbreak, my plans for love making on saturday nights are ruined. This is me trying to make it work, trying to live how I dreamed of living. Single, full time job, got a car, got free bus fair, and plenty of hotties to get to know and maybe end up well with.
But herpes definitely has it's way of making me miss out. To me sex is important, I am satisfied by it, it needs to happen for me. And it seems like every time I get lucky, every time some one so nice comes a long, and every time the way to celebrate is to have sex...
Herpes comes over uninvited and wants to hang out instead. Just fuck you herpes. You were here for my 21st birthday, you gave me a fever on the night of one of the most memorable parties of my networking circle and friends, you were here during Christmas. I couldn't even have Christmas sex. You came and stayed for 3 months once. Yeah, that was 3 months of hell. 3 months of pain and embarrassment. 3 months of watching a wonderful relationship go cold. I can't even eat chocolate anymore with out you wanting to come and bother me. One of my favorite things in the world. Chocolate. You took that away from me too. Sex and chocolate, gone. I can't have it during the best time of my life. Fuck you herpes. I don't want you around.
I hate when the foreplay is so sweet, and I have to stop it all and say, "Hey. I'm not clean." I have to watch the soberness take over my partner's demeanor. I have to kill the buzz, but it's only to protect someone that I could love. If I ever gave this to someone else I would be heart broken. No one deserves to suffer like I have. Some guys hug me tight when they find out, some guys kiss my cheek, some guys are curious and want to know what it is and how I got it. Some guys have said they don't care. That's usually a red flag and I probably shouldn't be sleeping with them anyway.
I didn't deserve this. I just wanted to wait for marriage. It seemed like I was the last person that should've gotten it. It puts me in a strange position. I can be coquettish and flirty and make love with who ever I want, but what do I do if the man I want isn't understanding. What if the one that I love pushes me away and quarantines me? How can I find someone who will love me and be able to live with what I have?
Herpes might have good intentions. Because I have this, the ideal partner would be someone I could trust. Someone that could commit. This person has to want to stay with me. I have to be in a mutual understanding with someone, a relationship. But it's not what I want.
I feel cheated. I behaved myself in high school. I didn't party, I didn't make love. And now that I decided it's time to have fun, the universe gives me this! "Oh, you can have fun but you have to deal with this bullshit too!"