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Subject: "I need some advice."     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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Conferences Under 25, (Give or take a few) Topic #1914
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Member since Sep-6-14
1 posts
Sep-06-14, 06:39 AM (CST)
Click to EMail tombstonebl00ze Click to send private message to tombstonebl00ze Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
"I need some advice."
   Alright, so first, a little backstory. I'm 24. I was with my ex-girlfriend for about six years. Things got bad toward the end though, and I eventually found out she'd been cheating on me. The way I found that out, was when she got diagnosed with HSV II, which hadn't come from me. And before long, it was apparent she'd passed it along to me, as well.

Needless to say, that relationship ended, and it's been about a year since then. I've had some time to go through the "freak the fuck out" stage, and then gradually calm myself down. I know things could be worse, and I've done a decent bit of reading on the condition and read some inspiring things. But... well, here's my predicament.

I'm a musician, and dress the part. I'm also in a fairly successful local band, so, at the risk of sounding egotistical, I get more than my fair share of attention from girls. Some really good looking ones, too. Most guys in this situation would be having the time of their lives, but for me, it just creates stress. Because since I've been diagnosed, I haven't been able to have sex with anyone because I'm too afraid to tell a casual partner/one night stand about it, and risk either rejection/the story getting out, and I'm not the kind of person who'd have sex with someone and not tell them about my condition first. I can't lie, but I can't tell the truth either. So I just don't. It's like some sort of hellish sexual limbo. Especially playing shows several times a week at bars filled with good looking women.

After staying faithful in a relationship for six years (and having it crash and burn like it did), I feel like I deserve a little time to be single and have fun. But thanks to my condition, I feel like I can't approach a woman with confidence. So even when they approach me, I deflect their attentions elsewhere, or make up a lame excuse to leave the party early. And eventually bandmates/friends start asking questions like "So uh, why didn't you go home with that blonde who was hitting on you all night?" And I'm running out of dumb excuses.

So I guess my question is this: As a person with HSVII, am I doomed to remain abstinent until such time as a girl comes around I trust enough to want a relationship with? Because I feel like that's what it'd take for me to trust a girl with this secret. But I really would hate to get my head screwed up over this, and end up settling in a relationship I don't really want. Is this just me being a headcase? Do I need to just trust people more? Right now, my options seem like
A. Start having sex without telling partners about my HSVII (not gonna happen)
B. Stop caring if people know I have it (hiiighly unlikely)
C. Just continue having not-sex until people start thinking I'm gay, and/or "THE ONE" magically shows up, and breaks down my heavily fortified trust barrier enough for me to tell them and hope they don't care. (not even gonna calculate the odds on this one.)

Is there a fourth option? Does this whole thing sound moronic? I dunno. I'm alive and things could be worse, but this whole thing has my head a little messed up. Anyone who has some advice on the matter, I thank you in advance, and await your wise words with bated breath.


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15546 posts
Sep-06-14, 01:53 PM (CST)
Click to EMail Rajah Click to send private message to Rajah Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
1. "The fourth option?"
In response to message #0
No, your message doesn't sound moronic and yes, things could be a lot worse.

I had the same thing happen to me with my first wife, but I was about twice your age. I wasn't in a band at the time, though, and didn't have girls hitting on me for casual sex so that was a bit of a different situation.

I'm glad you're ruling out Option A. While there are people out there who will take that option, in my opinion that makes the sociopaths, uncaring about others. Not my kind of people at all.

Option B is a tough one at your age, I know.

Option C means the end of one-night stands. From my lofty age, that's not such a bad thing. When I started dating after my divorce, I tended to tell prospective partners pretty early on in the getting acquainted process and I never had any of them run away. Actually, they were appreciative of my caring enough about them that I would do the difficult thing of telling them about it ahead of time. That was worth a lot of "points", believe me.

One thing to keep in mind, too, is that herpes is very far from being a rare condition, it's not easily transmitted, and the risk of transmission can be significantly reduced by taking the antiviral meds daily, as I do. I've been with my second wife 15 years and she is still negative for herpes.

I hope this helps. Always feel free to come here and ask questions. That's what we're here for.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain

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