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Subject: "A very sad story..."     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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JoeCarter
Member since Apr-13-11
2 posts
Apr-13-11, 03:22 AM (CST)
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"A very sad story..."
 
   I have been married to a wonderful woman for over 20 years but our sex life was unsatisfying and almost nonexistent. I love her but I couldnt help to feel unloved and unwanted. I meet a high school sweetheart that was also married and was in the same situation. We connected again immediately and had an affair. We made love and it was incredible except a week later she started to get sick, very sore below, fever and then a rash on her but. We thought it was shingles. She got tested over a few weeks and it came back as HSV2. I couldnt believe it! It all made sense... my jock itch, the "pimple" from sex with my wife, my wifes rash on her butt. I had HSV2 for over 20 years and didnt know it! OMG, what did I do to that poor woman? I have absolutly ruined her life. She didnt believe that I didnt know,,, that there was no way the we were infected for over 20 years and didnt know the we had herpes and that she knew in a week that she did. We actually carried on the affair for almost 2 years until recently (her and her husband havent had sex in 9 years) She is totally consumed. She has an OB every couple of months and she says that there is always somekind of symptom lurking. She has made herself physically sick to her stomach and is depressed. I love her, I wanted to show her love and affection. I wanted to make her feel beautiful and desired but I made her feel sleezy and discusting. She broke off the relationship a couple of weeks ago and she absolutly hates me for what I have done to her and I hate myself too even though I didnt know that I was infected. Im so sorry, I love you Judy.


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Lenoreadmin
Member since Oct-22-04
4281 posts
Apr-13-11, 08:20 AM (CST)
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1. "RE: A very sad story..."
In response to message #0
 
   90% of people who test positive for HSv2 on a blood test have no idea that they have it because they either have no symptoms or symptoms that are so mild that they don't attribute them to herpes. This is a really common virus and honestly if you don't buy into the stigma it's just an occasional annoyance.

When people get oral herpes they call it a cold sore and think nothing of it. When you get the virus on your genitals it somehow becomes a different story.

I imagine that there are a lot of strong emotions when you are married to one person and having a relationship with another person. The situation that you're in is really about more than just herpes. The bottom line is that you are both adults who made a decision to have sex and that decision always has a degree of implied risk.

HSV2 is so common that at least 20-25% of us have it. It's nothing to hate your self about or feel disgusting about or feel sleazy about. It's just a virus.


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JoeCarter
Member since Apr-13-11
2 posts
Apr-14-11, 03:27 AM (CST)
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2. "RE: A very sad story..."
In response to message #1
 
   Thank you Lenore, you are correct that there are a lot of dynamics to my story. She is under so much pressure but blames me and the herpes, she HATES me. That is so hard to deal with. She was my best friend. In my last email to her I asked her PLEASE to see a dr about herpes meds. I hope that she can cope with this. I feel so alone and guilty. I have a kind heart and never wanted to harm anyone and I did. It is devastating.


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Cheek99
Member since Sep-1-08
205 posts
Apr-18-11, 02:20 PM (CST)
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3. "RE: A very sad story..."
In response to message #2
 
   I'm sorry you're going through this. She really needs to speak to a doctor and get the facts. Leonore's post is great.

It seems like in your relationship with this woman herpes acts the same way as in all relationships: it uncovers something that was hidden, unkown by the parties involved. In talking about my herpes to partners I've discovered things about them that I wouldn't have known otherwise. How committed or really attracted they were to me; their inherent ability -or inability- to deal with stress and much more.
It seems to me -and apologies in advance if I say something inappropriate to you- but your lover's having an overly emotional reaction to her affair and her marriage and love life in general. How have you ruined her sex life? By giving her herpes? Unless she has no immunity to the virus her body is going to go back to normal sooner rather than later and the virus will end up being a nusance as it is for most people. If I understood well, she has been in a sexless and possibly loveless marriage and has been having an affair with you, another married man for what seems like a long time. The last thing she should be worried about is herpes; she is cheating on her husband and you are cheating on your wife. I'm not judging you, I swear to you I'm not. I just think that this is an emotionally complicated situation that involves a lot of people and that the two of you have so much more to sort out in your lives that are much harder to treat. There are pills and remedies for herpes but a broken marriage or what she might have to deal with as a result of lying about an affair is much more serious and harder to cope with and there are no easy solutions to it.
I really wish both of you well. I'm sure that if she takes some time to herself and educates herself about herpes she will put things into perspective. Again, I'm not judging you and I wish you well.


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redroses100
Member since May-28-15
1 posts
May-28-15, 06:16 PM (CST)
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4. "RE: A very sad story..."
In response to message #3
 
   Hi there...I am brand new to the site...literally just signed up today. I am truly saddened by your story but I need to tell you that a similar situation occurred with me. I became infected after an affair (I am married) with a man I really loved and thought about marrying ....really! My marriage was sexless for many years and I was miserable. I am a health nut...work out religiously and feel significantly younger than my age. We were in the same type of unhappy marriages and loved spending time together. The affair lasted three years. He knew he had herpes and never told me. I eventually caught it.
I know he never meant to hurt me. He told me many times. However, I think that because it is a life long condition, it can cause great emotional turmoil. I am hoping she will forgive you and realize that you never meant to hurt her in anyway. .in fact, just the opposite. I know this sounds crazy but maybe you will actually end up together, as it is easier when you "share" this virus In a relationship. I wish you the best. And yes having an affair perhaps was not the best thing, but it brought you happiness at the time.
, and it seems that you truly care for her. I understand. I have been there. You do not know what happiness the future may bring. That's what I keep telling myself..

DC


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