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Subject: "Questions on how to not infect her"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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frustrated72
Member since Oct-12-12
4 posts
Oct-12-12, 10:51 PM (CST)
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"Questions on how to not infect her"
 
   First of all I would like to thank everyone here who posts and replies. I am a 40yo male who contracted genital herpes from my ex-wife years ago. I have not really researched or probably even dealt with this for the past several years (typical male in denial I guess). But I have recently started a relationship with a woman I have been friends with for about a year. Over the past few months our friendship has become something much closer. As I realized where things were headed, I knew I had to be honest so that she could decide for herself how to proceed before things became physical. It was a very difficult discussion to have. We work together and I had no idea how the conversation would go. Initially I just told her that I understood that things must end and I was sorry, assuming that it was too much. She didn't say much. We spoke that evening and she informed me that she didn't care. She wanted to be with me regardless. I am so scared of infecting her right now. Obviously I didn't expect that response and have grown so much closer to her as a result. Due to my lack of knowledge on the disease, I just assumed the minute we were intimate, she would be infected. Over the past several weeks, we have been very close and she has wanted to make love. I have told her that there was no way I could do that to her. It would kill me to give this to her. As much as I am dying to share that moment with her, I just couldn't bear the thought of spreading this disease. Reading all the posts tonight and educating myself through everyone's stories and experiences has brought this so called tough guy to tears. I didn't realize how much I have ignored my feelings on all of this and also that my sex life doesn't have to end. I think some of my questions have been answered by reading tonight but I still have a few. As much as I have tried to "be good" we did shed our clothes one night and our genitals were grinding at some point. I was not having an outbreak at the time and had not had one in several months. A few days afterwards I had an outbreak. There was no intercourse but a lot of contact in that area. I was not aware at the time that contact of that nature would be risky. I thought it was simply by having intercourse. Is there a chance she could have become infected? If I am the one infected can she get it if I perform oral on her? Since friction seems to be the main way it is spread, if I wear a condom and still wear underwear to cover as much of my genitals as possible will this help reduce the risk? She has been very persistant and really wants us to be intimate as well as I. I just want to be smart and reduce the risk as much as possible. And lastly, this may not be the right area for this question so I apologize if I should post this somewhere else. But she has expressed interest in possibly having children one day. We both know that this would be way down the road but we are trying to educate ourselves in advance. Can she have natural childbirth or is that too risky? I have started this post several times tonight but did not have the courage to actually put it out there. I've never talked to anyone about it and have tried to pretend I didn't have it. I'm not sure if this post is to graphic, so please forgive me if I have crossed any lines here. Sorry this is so long but thank you to those who read it and reply.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: Questions on how to not infect her Lenoreadmin Oct-13-12 1
     RE: Questions on how to not infect her frustrated72 Oct-14-12 2
         RE: Questions on how to not infect her Koolmom2008 Oct-17-12 3
             RE: Questions on how to not infect her frustrated72 Oct-19-12 4
                 RE: Questions on how to not infect her deb54 Oct-20-12 5
                     RE: Questions on how to not infect her frustrated72 Oct-21-12 6
                         RE: Questions on how to not infect her Koolmom2008 Oct-23-12 7
  RE: Questions on how to not infect her realcowboy Mar-24-14 8

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Lenoreadmin
Member since Oct-22-04
4281 posts
Oct-13-12, 10:55 PM (CST)
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1. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #0
 
   When you have genital herpes, you are contagious when you have an outbreak (obviously)and you also randomly shed the virus occasionally when you aren't having an outbreak. This is fairly infrequent, so you aren't contagious all the time........but you can't tell when you are contagious. Wearing a condom and taking antivirals every day decrease the risk to something like 1-2% (I am HORRIBLE with statistics).

You can only pass on the virus from your genitals, so you can give her oral sex without risk.

It's possible to pass on genital herpes without intercourse because you just need that genital contact, but it's probably less likely.

Lots of us are in what we call discordant relationships where one of has the virus and the other one doesn't. Knowing that you have herpes and taking precautions means that you are less likely to pass it on than someone who isn't aware that they have it. I've been with my husband since 1978 and he's asymptomatic (doesn't see any need to get tested). I have two healthy adult children.......no problems related to herpes when I gave birth.

You haven't crossed any lines. It's kind of impossible to talk about herpes without talking about sex.


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frustrated72
Member since Oct-12-12
4 posts
Oct-14-12, 00:36 AM (CST)
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2. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #1
 
   Lenore,
Thank you so much for the reassuring words. Finding this site and people like you has changed my life. Just a few days ago I was torn, frustrated, mad, all the words that are typically associated with herpes. It is so encouraging to know that my life hasn't ended and I can experience love again which I didn't think would be possible. To have someone like her in my life but not be able to be intimate was torture! It is brave people like you that have the courage to share their stories and knowledge that give hope to so many of us. I cannot thank you enough. Last question. I'm sure it may come down to personal preference, but have you found one medication to be more effective than another? PS... she will be thrilled to know that it's possible to have a natural childbirth!


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Koolmom2008
Member since Apr-11-12
64 posts
Oct-17-12, 04:25 PM (CST)
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3. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #2
 
   LAST EDITED ON Oct-17-12 AT 04:26 PM (CDST)
 
I think it's great she is over looking your HSV status! HSV is not a big deal it's just annoying for those of us who have it. It's the STIGMA that's way more annoying....

Has your girlfriend tested for HSV1/2 already? If not maybe it's a good idea that she does because it's a very common virus. She may already have it... there are a lot of people who have the virus but 90% don't know.

If you're thinking of going on meds that will help a lot when it comes to shedding and OB's.


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frustrated72
Member since Oct-12-12
4 posts
Oct-19-12, 01:50 AM (CST)
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4. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #3
 
   Koolmom,
You're right. It was a very selfless act on her part to overlook the potential risk for an opportunity to be with the one you love. Maybe not Romeo and Juliet, but definitely the herpes version! She is very special to me and I'll be honest, I would like to think that I would tell anyone I was in a relationship with. But this girl, she's got me right now and there is no way I'm going to screw this up. Having to wait when your girlfriend is ready and waiting, knows all the risks and doesn't care! Makes it difficult to say no. Still trying to get an appt with the doc to get started on a med regiment. I've tried Valtrax before and it was ok, but still had frequent outbreaks. Any suggestions?


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deb54
Member since Jun-21-10
396 posts
Oct-20-12, 08:15 AM (CST)
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5. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #4
 
   Have you tried the other antivirals--Famvir or acyclovir? You might do better on one of those.


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frustrated72
Member since Oct-12-12
4 posts
Oct-21-12, 00:26 AM (CST)
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6. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #5
 
   I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and will see what they recommend. I'm guessing it will take approximately a week to make sure it is in my system but will confirm with the doctor. It seems like more people are on acyclovir than famvir from what I've read, but I could be wrong on that.

I was a little disappointed when the last med didn't work as I thought it would. Still had outbreaks, mainly a few days after intercourse. I've been off meds for several years now. But lately the outbreaks seem to have gotten worse. Just wearing the wrong pants / jeans can cause an outbreak depending on how they rub against me when I'm up and down at my desk all day. The outbreaks are nothing more that a little nuisance. Minimal itching and slight burning sometimes, but that part doesn't last very long. It's just knowing that every time you have sex you're going to have an outbreak. Which means you'll have to wait a week or two for it to completely go away before you can have sex again. Easier to do if you've been married awhile but much harder in a new relationship! I'm thinking of going with a full body condom and a LOT of KY to reduce friction as much as possible!! Man, that's some hot, intimate moment right there!

Again, thank you to everyone. Input and educating others is huge when you have herpes.

Is it better for her to go ahead and get genital herpes now so she doesn't run the risk of getting herpes 1 later on? Seems like people can deal with genital better because it is hidden for the most part, but no one wants cold sores all the time screaming I've got herpes!


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Koolmom2008
Member since Apr-11-12
64 posts
Oct-23-12, 07:08 PM (CST)
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7. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #6
 
   LAST EDITED ON Oct-23-12 AT 07:11 PM (CDST)
 
I think your friend should also do a blood test as well just to see if she's already picked up the virus as HSV1 (oral) is very common to get.

There are a lot of people who have this virus but simply don't know it because the OB's are very very mild. In my case I had this virus probably for a good 4-6 years and NEVER knew until I had a bad case after having rough sex. In addition I also shaved with a razor which made it come out even more I'm guessing... (scratching my head).

You need to know what your friend has as well don't make it be all about what you only have.

I understand about not wanting to give it to her (if she's negative) but I've read a person is more safe with someone who KNOWS they are infected with the virus and takes the precautions rather then someone who doesn't know and has a mild OB while having sex.

And yes acyclovir has worked wonders for me it's been said it's best to have it in your system for 5 days. I only take it when I'm about to have sex w/ my partner... Not even for an OB which only last a good 4 days.

I would also suggest looking in the technical forum as they have a lot of great information on how the meds work and the percentage PER YEAR of infecting your partner.


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realcowboy
Member since Dec-6-05
240 posts
Mar-24-14, 08:21 PM (CST)
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8. "RE: Questions on how to not infect her"
In response to message #0
 
   You did the right thing, I am proud of you. I am kind of in the same boat (friend of five years) and I have been dating her two months. I haven't told her yet, but if things get kicked up a notch I will. I have had more negative partners than positive in recent years and have been truthful with all, I still see some on a regular basis and none have ever contracted HSV 2. I have to say in the eight years I have been in and out of this boat, I have been more careful.


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