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Subject: "any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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martha_stewart
Member since Nov-4-12
1 posts
Nov-04-12, 11:56 AM (CST)
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"any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
 
   I'll admit, I have been guilty of sleeping with men without ever disclosing my genital herpes. Mostly one night stands. However, there is someone I would like to have an ongoing sexual relationship with. Considering that we've already had sex, it seems a bit late to disclose. How much is he going to hate me if I say something now after I denied him the opportunity to make an informed choice? Even worse, I'm considering saying nothing and if anything happens letting him think he had it all along and/or gave it to ME. Yes, I know this is horrible. I guess I still buy into the idea that I'll be rejected because of my status. I also like to let myself off the hook by telling myself it's not a big deal or that he probably already has it. (Even though I was SO angry and upset when I got it from someone who didn't know or didn't tell.) SO, must I REALLY tell this person or EVERY person for that matter? (I know the answer to this one but obviously need to be retold.) And secondly, is there ANY WAY I can rectify this without making him hate me and my selfishness? What way would that be? Should I approach it with all the self-hatred I feel or approach it as "no big deal" / "oh, I forgot to tell you..."?


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness? deb54 Nov-05-12 1
     RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness? Raven00144 Nov-05-12 2
         RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness? Koolmom2008 Nov-11-12 3
             RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness? Raven00144 Nov-13-12 4
  RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness? everythingsok Nov-15-12 5
  RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness? 4Renee May-19-13 6
  RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness? brandiwhine83 Jun-12-13 7

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deb54
Member since Jun-21-10
308 posts
Nov-05-12, 09:37 AM (CST)
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1. "RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
In response to message #0
 
   This is a tough situation and it is why most of us will discuss our status before any sexual contact. Also, don't you want to know ahead of time if your potential partner might have an STD? There are worse things than herpes, so you need to look out for your health. You need to be honest. I've never been rejected because of my status, but then since I started dating again after my husband died, I've always been upfront and honest and always referred potential partners to westoverheights site and answered any questions. Are you on suppressive therapy and do you ask your partner to use a condom? There are things that can be done to lower the risk of transmission. As you know from your reaction to acquiring herpes, it is a big deal--mostly mentally because of the stigma. But don't you think the worst thing is that you were not given a choice? Sex is an adult activity and you need to start acting more responsibly, if for no other reason than to protect your own health. How often do you get tested for STDs? So you need to sit down with your partner and have an honest discussion--it's not a confession, and find out his status too. So I will retell you, YES you need to disclose your status to every sexual partner.


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2417 posts
Nov-05-12, 12:58 PM (CST)
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2. "RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
In response to message #1
 
   Deb pretty much told you how it is. Those of us that KNOW we have HSV have to disclose our status to potential partners prior to sex. This is the only responsible thing to do.

I learned the above the hard way once when I told after sex (the night after) rather than before. We did not have the conversation that mature adults should have before sex. Things did not go well and I do not blame him for his reactions. By not telling or having the discussion before hand, brought up trust issues that he did not give me a chance to earn back.

Deb is right that this conversation/discussion is not just about OUR HSV status, but their status of all STDs as well.

If the situation was reversed, would you want to be told or have it kept from you from someone that you have been intimate with?

Raven00144


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Koolmom2008
Member since Apr-11-12
64 posts
Nov-11-12, 09:24 AM (CST)
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3. "RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
In response to message #2
 
   I understand the Moral obligation to tell once you've been diagnosed with it... I wouldn't want someone having sex with me knowing they are HIV positive.

The only thing that has me scratching my head on this topic is... 90% of the population DON'T KNOW they already have the virus whether it's oral or genital. Doctors don't TELL you you have to ASK for a BLOOD test when you want to get a full STD testing. Shouldn't that be a MORAL obligation for the doctors to let their patients know as well?

We have to EDUCATE people who are unaware of their status and half of them are telling themselves... "I have no symptoms, whats the use of getting tested"?

I got the virus from someone totally unaware that his "Cold Sores" AKA Herpes Oral virus could be passed on to me genitally.

I see COLD SORES commercials constantly for oral herpes yet nobody wants to mention in those commercials that those are in fact oral herpes that could be passed on genitally. Yes years ago I saw the Valtrex commercials that MENTIONED it could be passed on genitally.

I don't get it. Yes it's a MORAL obligation to tell... But it should be a moral obligation all AROUND!!!!


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2417 posts
Nov-13-12, 10:58 AM (CST)
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4. "RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
In response to message #3
 
   IT is not 90% of the population that has this but 90% of the 1 in 4 woman/5 men that will test positive for HSVII. This equates to about 25% women and 20% men for HSVII and about 60% for oral HSVI. The very nature of this virus makes it this way. This is something that is now known and not what most doctors learned in Med school years ago.

Yes, doctors should educate their patients more.
Yes, HSV testing should be in the regular panel of STD testing. Most people do not know to do this.
Yes, commercials should educate more.
Yes, those of us that are HSV positive should educate people.
Yes, this is a MORAL obligatin and it should be all AROUND.

Raven00144


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everythingsok
Member since Nov-15-12
6 posts
Nov-15-12, 09:25 AM (CST)
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5. "RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
In response to message #0
 
   Look, I know that we always should tell people, and I'm probably going to get a lot of flack for this, but... I just want to tell you my story so you'll know that you're not alone, and that many of us have so much shame that we have a hard time disclosing. I'm not saying it's a great move, but I am saying it doesn't make you a horrible person-- just a person who is afraid and has some things to come to terms with.

I had told everyone I was with I had H, and then I started seeing this guy who I didn't tell-- I'm not sure why. Eventually, I felt so guilty, I told him some lie about how I'd just been diagnosed. He didn't take it well-- he didn't break up with me, but I wish he had. He treated me like I was poisoned, washing his hands immediately after touching me, etc... For many reasons, that relationship didn't work out, but I stopped telling anyone after that. Luckily, I never gave it to anyone, but I'm really not proud of what I did, and it was extremely stressful. I always thought I was about to get an OB, I lived in terror of someone callng me and telling me they had it.

Anyway, when I told my current boyfriend, who is the love of my life, he was just like, "okay." I told him I hadn't had an outbreak in like 4 years, but asked him what he would do if I did, and he said, "well, I guess I'll just get herpes too, eventually."

My point is not to justify my actions, but to tell you I feel for what you're going through. There is so much shame surrounding herpes. But I think this shame comes from puritanical thinking that's really off base. In the long run, herpes is a skin disease and the people who are really worth your time will not place so much stigma around it. Anyone who is sexually active is at risk for H.


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4Renee
Member since May-19-13
5 posts
May-19-13, 11:25 AM (CST)
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6. "RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
In response to message #0
 
   Hi, I'm new here so I hope I'm replying by hitting the right button.

This has just happened to me. I did not disclose to a man that I love & that said he loved me. I didn't do it out of shame but more of ignorance, the doctor I saw 6 yrs ago never explained it well. She just said don't do sex while an episode is going on, I didn't know anything of shedding. That coupled with the fact I haven't had an episode for 6 yrs has led to my mistake I have to live with now. He is angry I didn't say beforehand, he insists he never has had it. He now has a sore but still hasn't been tested (before us or even now.) Take my word for it that someone will not feel kindly towards you for making a mistake like I have made. He says he still loves me but he doesn't want me anymore. I received it from a boyfriend 20 something years ago who didn't tell me until he had an active outbreak either. It just took 20 something years for mine to appear (too young & stupid to get tested back then btw). Since we haven't been together for a long time I suppose is why I don't harbor any resentment towards my old boyfriend. He, too, thought by disclosing it when it became active was the right thing.
My best to you in whatever the outcome is.

Life is an adventure or
nothing.


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brandiwhine83
Member since Jun-12-13
1 posts
Jun-12-13, 10:05 PM (CST)
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7. "RE: any way to rectify this incredible act of selfishness?"
In response to message #0
 
   Hi, I am new here as well. I just got diagnosed with HSV2 about 4 mths ago when I had my initial outbreak, about 2 weeks after that I had a major jaw surgery then another 2 weeks my boyfriend who gave me HSV dumped me. Thing is, I am so glad that you posted what you did. I, up until about a week ago, was having trouble even admitting to myself that I have HSV. So, the first guy I got with after my diagnosis, I didn't tell that I had it. It was a surprise "friends with benefits" and I got scared. I felt if I told him then he would reject me. And I thought as long as I took my Acyclovir daily, made sure I didn't have any breakouts, and used condoms than there was nothing to worry about. Well, after having sex a handful of times I realized it wasn't just a couple times thing and I felt I should tell him. Honestly, I should have just dumped him. He was such a jerk and told me that not telling him beforehand was the same as committing a felony by knowingly having unprotected sex with someone when you have AIDS. Then he thanked me for telling him and about a week later cut off all ties to me, and made me feel like complete crap in the process. And I don't blame him for being mad at me. I know not everyone will react that way but it was definitly a rough way to learn a lesson. And, I know I haven't dealt with this for long but after that I realize the major importance in informing a potential partner before ever having sex, even if it is just going to be a one night thing.


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