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Subject: "Confused and rejected"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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Member since Dec-15-12
1 posts
Dec-15-12, 08:06 PM (CST)
Click to EMail plc2012 Click to send private message to plc2012 Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
"Confused and rejected"
   I was recently diagnosed with both type I and II herpes. I have had canker sores my entire life, from as early as I can remember as a kid. I found out a week ago that I also have type II. I acted and got tested (blood test as I've never had any sores)on a hunch after my new boyfriend became distant and mentioned he had a doctors appointment but wouldn't be specific. This was unusual because things were going so well and we talked about everything. We've actually known each other for years having met 30 years ago and reconnected on Facebook a year and a half ago so it was great for us both that we were able to connect and had the same feelings for each other when we did. I had not dated nor been with anyone for over a year and a half. At first I thought he had it and passed it on to me which is why he was backing off but according to the test results and antibody numbers, my exposure was not recent so he is not responsible. I had never had an outbreak and never had any sores. But thinking back, I had what I thought was a yeast infection a couple of months ago which turns out to probably be my first outbreak instead. We didn't have sex until the infection was cleared up but I have since learned that herpes can be passed without sores, through bodily fluids only. If he has herpes, I passed it to him which I feel truly sorry for but I didn't know. However, he has not talked to me for a month so I don't know for sure that he does have herpes and if that was the reason for his rejection but I did message him about my results to inform him as it was the responsible thing to do.

I am going through so many emotions right now - anger at having been exposed but not knowing who to blame, wondering how long I have had it and when I was exposed, confused at how I could go so long without any indications, guilty because I may have unknowingly passed it on to someone else who I truly cared about and waited years to date, guilty because I blew a great thing, the rejection I got, sad because I have this to deal with, confused as to what happens now and fear at being rejected from this point forward. I feel like I've been slapped in the face multiple times. I am trying to keep a positive attitude as I know many people who are suffering through more difficult illnesses that they may not live through. I apologize for the long story but I don't know where else to turn to vent. I guess I just need some support and to know I'm not alone in all my confusion.

Thanks for listening (reading)

Have a great day!

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Charter Member
2086 posts
Dec-20-12, 06:23 PM (CST)
Click to EMail starratt Click to send private message to starratt Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
1. "RE: Confused and rejected"
In response to message #0
Step one keep breathing. Many many people are in the same boat as you. Dating is difficult with or without herpes. Unfortunately you are in a situation where you are second-guessing why somebody is acting the way they are.

It's okay for him not to continue with your relationship for whatever reason, it's not okay for him not to have the decency to clarify what is going on with him. I know it's hard, but don't start shouldering all the blame for something when you don't even know what that "something" is. At the end of my little note I'm throwing in a blurb about why you can't just assume his disappearing act is automatically due to herpes.

It's hard to grasp that something can slip away through no fault of your own, especially after your hopes were up about it. I think since he isn't having the decency to either write you a note or (even better) pick up the phone and say "I've been having second thoughts because ....", then you need to find a way to NOT take the blame for this. I don't care WHAT his reason is (that he has been diagnosed with a fatal illness, his girlfriend is back in his life, his dog is dying, he lost his job, he caught herpes, he's been arrested, his big toe hurts, he's too busy watching football playoffs, etc.)there is no excuse for not giving you at least some sort of an explanation for not wanting to continue the relationship. I'm not saying everything about this guy is bad, but the way you are being treated at the moment is not conducive towards building a healthy relationship. Unexplained silence is not fair and it is not kind.

As far as this particular guy goes, I think you may have to let go of the blame and leave him in your dust. It's unfortunate that you don't have any explanation from him about why he's pulling away, but that can happen even when herpes isn't on the table (I should know having dated far too many people in my time).

Whether or not you having herpes (or him possibly of having contracted herpes) has played a roll in how this situation played out try not to get hung up on the idea that it will make you untouchable, it won't. Herpes is a teensy virus whose transmission can be mitigated with very simple precautions (suppressive antiviral medication and/or condoms). It does not change who you are or what people like about you. It won't prevent you from having mind blowing sex.

It is best to be upfront with anyone you are thinking of getting intimate with about your herpes status. This does not have to be done on the first date, but should be done before sex is on the table. Not so much because of the actual risk, but moreso because people tend to associate trust with being upfront about this sort of thing. (Just like you'd want to know if somebody's car insurance was up to date before you borrowed their car, not after you got off with a warning from the cops).

The annoying thing about herpes is many, many people never do figure out beyond a shadow of a doubt where and when they contracted it. When you are talking about an illness that can have vague symptoms/no symptoms at times and likes to go dormant for long periods that is unfortunately how the cookie crumbles.

I highly suggest you go to www.westoverheights.com and download a copy of "The Herpes Handbook". It is one of the best online resources about herpes written by one of the world's experts in its treatment and management (Terri Warren).

A little bit about herpes and why you just can't assume anyone you have slept with will have automatically gotten it from you:

Technically herpes is not passed through bodily fluids, but rather through skin-to-skin contact (i.e. unprotected sex). Usually some sort of a break in the skin is required for it to be spread AND the infected person has to be shedding enough of the virus at the time for it to be spread. For most people with an established infection the odds of this happening in the absence of symptoms is quite low (like less than 5% chance/year -- similar to the odds of getting pregnant while on the pill). Of course it does happen from time to time, but you can't just assume you have automatically passed herpes onto this guy.

Assuming you've had all the right tests and they have been correctly interpreted it is going to take you a little while to wrap your mind around what this does and doesn't mean for you. (I encourage you to post your results in the support system so that we can help confirm that the interpretation seems accurate. i.e. the type of test and the numbers, no personal information--which you can ask your doctor to provide with a copy of).

Herpes does not have to be a life stopper. It sounds like you are over 40, in which case about 20-25% of the guys you meet in that same age group likely already have HSV2 (it is THAT common) and most won't realize they have it. Considering that, even if this guy you were seeing does have HSV2 there is no way to be certain he got it from you unless he was having a whopper of a primary and got a positive culture and negative type specific blood test.

MY PRESCRIPTION (It won't cure a darn thing, but it may make you feel a little better)
* put on a comfy pair of slippers and a fluffy housecoat
* make yourself a root beer float (or similar comfort food)
* download a movie that will make you laugh and just be good to yourself, you've earned it

I hope this helps.

Be well,

Hoe eet jy 'n olifant? Bietjie vir bietjie.
(Translation from Afrikans: How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit.)

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Member since May-4-09
91 posts
Nov-30-13, 11:14 PM (CST)
Click to EMail spartan Click to send private message to spartan Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
2. "RE: Confused and rejected"
In response to message #1
   Fuck him.

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