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Subject: "Relationship in shambles"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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4Renee
Member since May-19-13
5 posts
May-19-13, 10:56 AM (CST)
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"Relationship in shambles"
 
   I am in a 5 month long "new" relationship. In Feb.he insisted I move in with him. We both fell in love, I decided since he seemed so sure that I would do just that. At the end of March I had an "episode", I explained it to him, I took medicine & we didn't have sex for about 4 weeks. He accepted it without much discussion. We both are 49 yrs old, I thought he was just understanding. I haven't been dating for the last few years because of a bad relationship the last time not because of my diagnosis.I did not tell him I had H 1 & 2 before engaging in sex because I forgot I had it. It was a non-issue for me. About 6 yrs ago I found out I had it when it appeared on my butt. In fact, the doctor didn't tell me to inform someone I had it unless I had an episode & to abstain from sex. This is the first time in 6 years that I've had to deal with it.
I, of course, am mortified that I've possibly passed it to him. He has had a sore on the tip of his penis for over 2 weeks now, he told me his zipper did it. But I started worrying, I asked him to go to the doctor to find out for sure. He hasn't. I've started searching on the internet trying to figure out how he could have gotten it when we didn't have sex during the active stage. Now I have a good idea about the shedding. He is angry, wants me to move out but says he still loves me but that we're over. If he would just get tested we'd know what type & if he recently received it. He doesn't seem to know much about it, even though I have saved him several articles, videos to learn as much about it as possible he still hasn't even looked at it. I don't understand someone not wanting to get tested nor why they wouldn't want to learn more about it. It may be my fault but I've also learned by researching this he may have already been exposed to it by someone else before. He insists he didn't have it before he was with me but he never has been tested. I myself seem to have had it for 20 something years before I had an episode. He has no pain or even discomfort with it at all. Most that I've read says many people experience at least some discomfort.
I have a broken heart plus the guilt of maybe being the cause of his episode. I want to try to help him become educated about it more than I was but he won't do it - yet. He wants me out of his life & home now, I guess I can't change that. I do want to help him learn & understand about this even if he doesn't want me anymore. If you have any advice to give I would appreciate it.

Life is an adventure or
nothing.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink Rajahadmin May-19-13 1
     RE: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink 4Renee May-25-13 4
  RE: Relationship in shambles mslittlebigmouth May-20-13 2
     RE: Relationship in shambles Raven00144 May-21-13 3
         RE: Relationship in shambles 4Renee May-25-13 6
     RE: Relationship in shambles 4Renee May-25-13 5

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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15392 posts
May-19-13, 09:48 PM (CST)
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1. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"
In response to message #0
 
When I was first diagnosed, the doctor said not to worry that it wasn't contagious unless there was an outbreak going on. I did my own research and found out otherwise very quickly.

This is a tough one. He can't prove that he didn't have it previously and is just going by circumstantial evidence. Perhaps, though this is a good thing in the it's giving you insight into his personality that you might not have had otherwise.

I hope the situation settles down after he's had some time to reflect on it. Please let us know if we can answer any questions and feel free to come here to vent if it helps.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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4Renee
Member since May-19-13
5 posts
May-25-13, 06:32 AM (CST)
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4. "RE: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"
In response to message #1
 
   Thanks for the reply, it helps to hear what "enlightened" people have to say about this. He stopped giving me the silent treatment but he still doesn't want to be my man anymore. He wants sex still but not the same loving way as before.
I am getting a good look @ his character, am also realizing his 'love' must have been a shallow love or just plain lust. I, too, had hoped he would come around after a few weeks but I think that won't work that way.

Life is an adventure or
nothing.


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mslittlebigmouth
Member since May-21-13
1 posts
May-20-13, 11:34 PM (CST)
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2. "RE: Relationship in shambles"
In response to message #0
 
   Unfortunately he seems resistant to anything you are trying to tell him. I have run into this with some of the people I had to tell after I got my diagnosis and let them know they should get tested. They were just sure they were safe. Nothing I could tell them would change their mind. I also understand your feelings of guilty. I passed my HSV2 to my boyfriend because I was not aware I had it. But even with the myths out there so many people don't understand it. You can't force him to get tested hon. And you have to find a way to clear your conscience of guilt. You didn't have all the info and you didn't mean to pass it if you even did. I hope you resolve your feelings and he comes to some of his senses. I am sorry for your relationship.

Be a first rate version of
yourself, instead of a second
rate version of someone else.
~Judy Garland


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2413 posts
May-21-13, 09:38 AM (CST)
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3. "RE: Relationship in shambles"
In response to message #2
 
   You were going on information your doctors gave--that you are not contagious unless you are having symptoms--this is what doctors used to and some still do advise, however we now know this to be WRONG. You may or may not have passed this on as you are not contagious 24/7. The only way to know is with proper testing. Your partner cannot know he was negative prior to you without the proper testing. If he has been with more than 4 women sexually in his life, then by statistics he has been exposed.

Like Raj mentioned, with him acting this way, even at his suppose to be mature age, he is showing signs of his character--red flags so to speak. Is this the type person you want to be with that handles in this manner what you call a non issue?

Learn from this and be forth coming in the future by having a discussion with a potential partner. There are things that your potential partner may or may not have that they are not aware of.

Remember you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink--just like gathering all the information for him to read and do research on, but you just cannot make him do it. This may be hurting now but in time you will feel better that you may have dodged a bullet.

Raven00144


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4Renee
Member since May-19-13
5 posts
May-25-13, 06:48 AM (CST)
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6. "RE: Relationship in shambles"
In response to message #3
 
   Raven, I asked him if he'd been with 4 woman in his lifetime then told him what you said. He just seems convinced it was me, I asked him what if he'd given it to me instead. That I wouldn't hold it against him & ruin our relationship. We all know that if we sleep with different people that @ some point we'll get something.
I see what you mean about this being a red flag, I do wonder if he would react this way if I were to get cancer. Would he want to kick me out then? I suppose he doesn't love me enough to be supportive & forgiving. Best to find out now.

Life is an adventure or
nothing.


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4Renee
Member since May-19-13
5 posts
May-25-13, 06:38 AM (CST)
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5. "RE: Relationship in shambles"
In response to message #2
 
   Thanks, it never feels good when a relationship breaks down. Especially the way this one is ending with me being the one @ fault (probably). He still hasn't been tested so that won't help resolve the issue of who gave it to him. I don't understand why someone wouldn't want to get tested that makes no sense to me. And you are right I can't force him to be tested. My life will go on, I'll just have to put on my big girl panties & deal with it.

Life is an adventure or
nothing.


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