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Subject: "Broken up and scared Help please!!"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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hopeful85
Member since Mar-18-11
11 posts
Jun-28-13, 10:35 PM (CST)
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"Broken up and scared Help please!!"
 
   Hello everyone,
I decided to write because I recently broke up with my boyfriend of several years and for me the hardest part of the break up was the thought that now I will need to have "the talk" about my herpes with someone new. How do you do it? what do I say? How do I react if the other person doesn't react well? It's a scary thought and I was hoping you guys and give me feedback of some of your stories.

thanks,
hopeful85

Hopeful


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15419 posts
Jun-29-13, 10:17 PM (CST)
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1. "A couple of things to keep in mind.."
In response to message #0
 
The first thing is that, based on an informal survey we did here a while back, 75% of "tellings" go well.

Second is to remember that almost one out of four of potential partners already have genital herpes.

We suggest that the telling be part of a general sexual health discussion including birth control, testing for infections, etc. before the relationship heads to the bedroom. It's not a confession, it's a discussion.

Having herpes is not entirely a bad thing because it makes us take stock of potential partners ahead of the "main event". Another aspect of that is that someone who runs away when told is probably not a good long term prospect anyway since they are looking at you as a sex object more than the wonderful person that you are.

Please let us know how we can help further.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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starrattadmin
Charter Member
2032 posts
Jul-07-13, 08:17 PM (CST)
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2. "RE: Broken up and scared Help please!!"
In response to message #0
 
Rajah has given you some good advice.

Dating is intimidating regardless of your herpes status.

Keep things in perspective. You need to tell people who you are going to have sex with that you have herpes, this does not mean that every person you go out to a movie with has to be informed. I've told as early as the second date, I told my husband 3 months into dating him (it was a long distance relationship) and other people I never bothered to tell because I knew sex wasn't going to happen.

I never got rejected over herpes, but yes I was nervous. Anytime you are making yourself vulnerable nervousness is natural. And hey, the talk sort of takes away that sense of "everything is perfect" even if we all know there is no such thing.

The talk is just that, a talk. You don't have to them anything more than you have it and they should be tested for it. You don't to have to tell them who you got it from, how many partners you've had, and/or whatever details about your sexual past you would rather just leave in the past. Some pertinent details may help things (i.e. "I got diagnosed a few years ago and my last boyfriend knew about my status"). Encourage them to be tested and leave things in their hands. Tell them you will accept any decision they will make about continuing to see you, but that you are sharing your information with them because you think they are worthwhile person that you'd like to continue seeing.

Be prepared for some basic questions. "How hard is it to catch?" "How do I avoid catching it?". And if a question that you aren't sure of the answer to is thrown your way it is okay to say "I'm not sure about that, but I can make some inquiries and let you know."

Whenever I had the talk I also used a fairly no-nonsense approach. I let it be known that I was willing to take reasonable measures to protect my partner (condoms and suppressive therapy), but they had to be willing to accept that there was a small risk they could catch it from me if we were intimate. As in I would not take the blame for them knowingly accepting a risk by being intimate with me if by some chance they did catch it. Especially considering around 1/4 of the other people they may date could easily have it and pass it onto them without even being aware of their status. I also gave them a copy of the herpes handbook or emailed them the link for it.

I hope this helps.

Be well,
Lorraine

Hoe eet jy 'n olifant? Bietjie vir bietjie.
(Translation from Afrikans: How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit.)


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hopeful85
Member since Mar-18-11
11 posts
Jul-16-13, 00:53 AM (CST)
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3. "RE: Broken up and scared Help please!!"
In response to message #2
 
   thank you both for your response it's helped me a lot!

I feel calm about what may come my way, I hope one day I can share my life with someone and not need to view my status as a negative aspect of my life. I have only experienced one outbreak and it was the original one I was diagnosed with herpes. Nothing since then and that was in 2011. I need to make a doctors appointment to get more test done as I'd like to know if it's type 1 or 2 but I hope that one day I can post a success story in the relationship section.

thanks again
hopeful85

Hopeful


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