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rumisays
Member since Jul-22-13
4 posts
Jul-22-13, 12:50 PM (CST)
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"tired and anxious"
 
   Hi, I have had HSV-1 genitally for almost 12 years now (i got it as a virgin in my teens from oral sex), and things are fine when I'm in a relationship, but when I'm dating and not in contact with the person after for several days/weeks, I tend to get nervous. I've disclosed to every person I've had intercourse with before intercourse, and I've been grateful for those discussions and the partner's understandings, and I always use condoms.

Last week, I spent the night with an old friend/lover, and we did not have intercourse, but we played around and had oral sex. I had noticed that I was run down and not feeling 100% beforehand, but I didn't feel like I was having an outbreak, so I went with it. It's been several days now, and I'm still feeling some discomfort vaginally, I'm unsure if it's shedding, or a yeast infection, or what, but I have not been in contact with the guy and I'm just anxious I gave HSV-1 to him orally or to his hand (see Herpetic Whitlow). I'm hoping he's had previous HSV-1 exposure so if exposed, his immune system can fight it with anti-bodies?

I'm trying to tell myself he is fine and I'm catastrophizing. I think I'm tired of the guessing games when it comes to potential exposures and the idea of infecting someone else freaks me out.

Any insight or support is welcomed.

In gratitude.


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starrattadmin
Charter Member
2043 posts
Jul-22-13, 04:38 PM (CST)
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1. "RE: tired and anxious"
In response to message #0
 
First and most importantly you have already told this fellow about your status. So even if you haven't had contact since, he is aware that if he ever develops symptoms he should seek treatment. He is also an adult capable of deciding whether he will risk that you might be shedding at some point in time when you are fooling around/having sex.

Second. HSV1 is more difficult to transmit when it's located in the vaginal area. It doesn't like to shed from there so the odds are that it is unlikely you were shedding at the time of your bit of fun.

Third. If you did not feel actual OB symptoms down yonder (especially with HSV1) its not likely you were shedding. Having an OB after intercourse (if that's what you've got going on) is not unusual as the irritation to the area can sometimes trigger an OB.

Fourth. The people who wind up with herpes whitlow usually get it because they are shoving their hands in the MOUTHS of people with cold sores, skinning their fingers/knuckles on those peoples teeth, and getting exposed that way. There are some exceptions, but it is an uncommon area for people who are not wrestlers, dental hygienists, or dentists to contract it.

Fifth: As you know there is a high likelihood your friend/lover already has HSV1 orally from childhood. Of course you can't assume that, but if he does have it (even if he never remembers having a cold sore he could still have it) it is very unlikely he would catch it from you in any location.

Try to relax. It's pretty unlikely he contracted anything from you under the circumstances. Keep breathing and repeat as necessary

If you are good terms with him and you can always tell him you've been feeling run down and you wanted to see how he is doing. But you are not obligated to call him.

Be well,
Lorraine

Hoe eet jy 'n olifant? Bietjie vir bietjie.
(Translation from Afrikans: How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit.)


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rumisays
Member since Jul-22-13
4 posts
Jul-22-13, 08:52 PM (CST)
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2. "RE: tired and anxious"
In response to message #1
 
   Thank you so much Lorraine. I really appreciate your words and grounding sentiments. This illness and the emotions involved and so complicated!! You're right, it's just hard for me to focus on boundaries when there's potential guilt and fear... I am on "good terms with him" but we don't talk much unless we see each other. It's all in my head, but I'm bothered by the fact that this happened with him years ago and I did the call to "see how he was doing" (he was fine.) I think a much larger issue is being triggered for me here that I'm tired of worrying and checking in, and it works much better when I am in communication with someone I'm involved with, or if I can just accept that I'm honest and do the best I can to stay safe, keep others safe, and the rest is out of my hands.

I will keep breathing, that is always solid advice and the first thing I forget. Much gratitude to you for the response and I love the elephant quote!! In gratitude


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starrattadmin
Charter Member
2043 posts
Jul-24-13, 00:50 AM (CST)
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3. "RE: tired and anxious"
In response to message #2
 
Communication is a good thing in any relationship.

Perhaps the stress you are experiencing when you are out of communication with him speaks to a more key issue on your part, that perhaps what you really want is a long term relationship. I'm not talking specifically with this person, but in general.

Honestly I don't know how I would react if my husband caught herpes, but let me assure you I am positive we would muddle our way through it and move on. We have already weathered 2 teenage pregnancies (his kids who have never lived with us) and having our son's special needs diagnosed. Those things took us nearly over the edge a couple of times, but we seem to be back on an even keel. In the scope of what can happen in a relationship, herpes is really just an inconvenience.

Work on getting things in perspective. I'm sure your initial diagnosis was a traumatic experience and it sounds like your partner at the time had no idea he could give it to you. For what it's worth I did catch herpes from someone who had it and told me in advance, we were just terribly ill educated. I was very sick in he beginning and very bummed out. But after a while was able to see past my fears and move forward. I bear no ill-will to my "donor" and I've long since forgiven myself for my own foolishness that contributed to me catching herpes. If you catch herpes after knowing your partner has it is an easier adjustment to make than learning it out of the blue.

You sound like an okay person and clearly you have some people who are attracted to you even if the situation isn't a committed relationship. Don't sell yourself short and remember there is far more to you than some ruddy little virus that hangs out in your nether regions from time-to-time.

Take care.

Be well,
Lorraine

Hoe eet jy 'n olifant? Bietjie vir bietjie.
(Translation from Afrikans: How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit.)


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rumisays
Member since Jul-22-13
4 posts
Jul-24-13, 10:03 AM (CST)
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4. "RE: tired and anxious"
In response to message #3
 
   Thank you Lorraine. I made contact via text with him last night and he didn't endorse any of my fears, things seem to be just fine. I think you're right, that I'm coming to terms with a lot of things from my past. I never really processed getting the virus unknowingly (to my 17 year old brain, I thought, "when I have intercourse, I'll use condoms, and therefore will not get STDs", I had no idea you could get them from oral sex!). When I'm in a relationship and the communication is open and understanding, it is a non issue and it's amazing to be supported with such an intimate issue.

It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot and are going strong, have been through a lot and the relationship is only deepened by overcoming those things.

I think I'm gonna take some time to re-ground myself and hold off on the "fun" so that I can get my mind clear.

Throughout my 12 years with the virus, I have come to have a sense of pride with it regarding my openness to tell friends, partners, and even strangers if the conversation allows (i.e. someone makes a poor taste joke on getting herpes from sharing chapstick, and i throw it, "actually, it's really only passed through mucus membrane to mucous membrane...." My confidence and knowledge base got shaky when I scared myself into thinking I could have passed it on, which, despite my best efforts, is a possibility one day, although I will continue to do my best to prevent it.

I really appreciate you taking the time with this support forum.

Phew. Big sigh of relief.

Thank you and be well,

~ Alli


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