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Subject: "Getting Back in the Dating Game"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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LRain_6886
Member since Sep-12-13
9 posts
Oct-17-13, 12:04 PM (CST)
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"Getting Back in the Dating Game"
 
   Hi! I contracted herpes at the tender age of 18-actually was 1st visually diagnosed by my OB/GYN and cultured on my 19th B-day. Nice B-day present huh? Anyway this was in 1987. I had not had an outbreak since the beginning of 2000. I recently had a very short 3 day outbreak which really brings back a lot of bad memories and emotions. For years, I did not think about it. It had totally become a non-issue with me. I guess an "out of sight out of mind" kind of thing. I only had to take anti-viral meds the 1st yr after i was diagnosed.

I've dated many men since then. I've been up front and honest with every single one of them especially if I knew was leading somewhere. I've never been rejected by anyone knock-on-wood. I had one though that used to do a thorough visual examination of my private parts before every sex act. He tried to make it look sexy while he was doing it so I wouldn't feel bad but I knew why he was doing it and yes, it did make me feel like damaged goods regardless.

Anyway, I am now 45 and haven't dated in years. I guess I got busy with life and didn't really think about it much. I've never been married and would like to find that special someone. The feeling of wanting to settle down has gotten so much stronger over the years. The concern I have is the fact that many single men my age are just coming out of long-term marriages and have not had to deal with these kind of things. I've heard of others who have had herpes say they didn't have a problem with acceptance when they were younger(like me) but since they have hit middle age, they have started to experience rejection for the 1st time over having H. I'm going to be honest here and say that I would be absolutely devastated if I fell in love with someone & then was rejected because of it. I would probably shut down emotionally and just not actively pursue finding anyone. Emotionally, I've never dealt well with romantic rejection whatever the reasons were. That is just how I am and I wish I wasn't like that. Some people can just brush it off and keep going but I tend to take a long time to recover from things like that. It's hard enough to find single men my age and adding herpes to the mix makes it feel impossible sometimes.

Anyway, I have been googling websites about information on how to have the "talk" so I can brush up on it & be prepared. I've seen some sites where people are asking about whether to date someone who has it and what the risks are. Some of the responses were so horrible and nasty. One person stated that if his date told him she had herpes he would throw her out on the front lawn. So many people were saying things like "find someone else who doesn't have it-there are plenty of nice girls without herpes." Some of the nicer responses were along the lines of "I would appreciate her honesty, but I would have to let her go." Okay, I understand it is their right to walk away, but some of the responses were too horrible to repeat here. One man stated that his last 4 dates had herpes and was lamenting the fact that he had to let "4 great women go because of it." Do we cease to become a person to some of these folks because we get cold sores below the waist? Why would you turn a person away who was beautiful inside & out because they got cold sores every once-in-a-blue-moon on their privates? Most people wouldn't think twice about oral herpes.

I guess my most recent outbreak has brought some of these issues back to the forefront. That & not having dated for about 5 yrs makes me feel like that terrified 19 y/o girl again who has to face the world not knowing what lies ahead. I know this sounds ridiculous and melodramatic, but my biggest fear is that I will end up old and alone and that mistake I made as a 19y/o will be the main reason. People will wonder why I've never married or had a family and someone will say "Well I think it was because she had the H-so sad!" I know that sounds crazy to say but I just got off of one of those bad websites where they were talking dirt about people with H and the men on that site were so mean and nasty about it. I guess it has temporarily colored my emotions. I know I need to stay away from some of those sites.

I would love to hear from anyone who has had to navigate the dating world with herpes in middle age. What has it been like? Have you noticed a difference dating in middle age with H versus dating with it as a younger person? It would also be great to hear from the perspective of non-H people who are in discordant relationships.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
  RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game spartan Nov-30-13 1
  RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game starrattadmin Dec-02-13 2
     RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game Raven00144 Dec-02-13 3
  RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game deb54 Dec-03-13 4
  Getting Back in the Dating Game BethMore Dec-19-13 5
  Getting Back in the Dating Game BethMore Dec-20-13 6
  RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game AriJmommy8907 Apr-01-15 8
     Good for you... Rajahadmin Apr-03-15 9

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spartan
Member since May-4-09
98 posts
Nov-30-13, 11:12 PM (CST)
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1. "RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game"
In response to message #0
 
   My middle aged gf at the time told me and I didn't care. Married her. Best thing I ever did.

Don't worry about your herpes. Waste of time.


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starrattadmin
Charter Member
2118 posts
Dec-02-13, 00:05 AM (CST)
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2. "RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game"
In response to message #0
 
Sorry for the delay in my response. I was pre-occupied lately.

Dating, in a nutshell is anxiety provoking with or without herpes.

In middle age I think the talk actually goes better for many of us than when we are in our early 20s dealing with a lower level of maturity.

I think many people ASSUME a lot about how they would react to being told somebody they are dating has herpes. A lot of it is based on misinformation and dumb assumptions.

I think when you sit down with someone with whom you are developing a mutual respect and a genuine attraction the reaction is more accepting. It helps to have the talk in as calm and direct a manner as you can muster and be armed with accurate information (i.e. transmission rates, precautions, etc.). We generally recommend people incorporate other important issues - i.e. testing for other STIs and birth control. One of the best one-liner's I've heard a lady use in "the talk" was to the effect of "Not making sure you've been properly tested for herpes is how nice girls like me wind up with it". (Not essential, but if I ever need to venture out there again I intend to borrow it).

Heading out into the dating world after an absence from it is intimidating. It feels like all the rules have changed, but the truth is you just have to be yourself and take things at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. Herpes is not the biggest to finding love, but it's easy to get to overly focused on it.

I wish you luck. Keep breathing in and out and repeat as necessary.
Be well,
Lorraine

Hoe eet jy 'n olifant? Bietjie vir bietjie.
(Translation from Afrikans: How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit.)


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2541 posts
Dec-02-13, 09:01 AM (CST)
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3. "RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game"
In response to message #2
 
   LAST EDITED ON Dec-02-13 AT 09:02 AM (CST)
 
I agree with Lorraine in that dating is hard, with or without herpes. I also agree that the discussion goes better or is easier to give as we mature. Those of us with HSV that have passed our 20's and 30's have a little more life experience at what life will throw at you. In comparison, having HSV is a walk in the park so to speak.

Your answer to a generic question about HSV is probably different than what it would be once you know information about the virus vs. relying on the stigma or knowing someone that has it. Do not let these answers from strangers scare you away. Take the time to get to know someone before sharing such personal information with them. As you get to know them better, they might show off red flags where you should walk away without ever having to share your status.

With or without HSV, you are still the same great person that you have always been so go out there and be yourself.

Raven00144


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deb54
Member since Jun-21-10
476 posts
Dec-03-13, 07:52 AM (CST)
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4. "RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game"
In response to message #0
 
   I had to start dating again in my 50's after my husband died. My approach was to always tell someone (have the discussion) on the second date. Figured that way I wouldn't get hurt emotionally. Of the five men that I dated, only one was concerned about the herpes, but we did end up being friends. I've now been living with my boyfriend for almost three years and we are a great match. He is older than me and didn't know anything about herpes. I always referred potential partners to the westoverheights site to read Terri Warren's booklet about herpes. I also use suppressive acyclovir and condoms. Well my bf doesn't like condoms and the herpes didn't phase him and we are very happy. We actually have more problems in our different approaches to how we handle money--herpes is just a non issue in our relationship. Anyway you won't find that special someone by trolling those sites you've been looking at. There are very decent, honest guys out there who are also looking for that special someone. And yes, I did meet my bf online on plenty of fish. Remember that a lot of how someone responds to you is how you present yourself--confidence, matter of factness about the herpes and also it's also a discussion about him--when was he last tested for STD's and has he ever been tested for herpes. A lot of people don't know that for most of us with herpes it is just a minor skin condition. Until you educate someone they only base their reaction on what they have previously been told. Good luck.


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BethMore
Member since Dec-19-13
2 posts
Dec-19-13, 10:33 PM (CST)
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5. "Getting Back in the Dating Game"
In response to message #0
 
   LAST EDITED ON Dec-19-13 AT 10:34 PM (CST)
 
Almost everyone gives importance to perfect health of their partner-to-be, but at the same time there are few people who look at the inner beauty of the person. There have been many cases of people suffering from deadly disease and still finding a perfect partner.
Check out http://datingsiteguide.org


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BethMore
Member since Dec-19-13
2 posts
Dec-20-13, 10:47 PM (CST)
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6. "Getting Back in the Dating Game"
In response to message #0
 
   Almost everyone gives importance to perfect health of their partner-to-be, but at the same time there are few people who look at the inner beauty of the person. There have been many cases of people suffering from deadly disease and still finding a perfect partner.
Check out http://datingsiteguide.org


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AriJmommy8907
Member since Apr-1-15
1 posts
Apr-01-15, 06:00 PM (CST)
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8. "RE: Getting Back in the Dating Game"
In response to message #0
 
   I just recently discovered that I've been contracted with Hsv2. My ex gave me the virus and not only did he not tell me he had it after 3yrs of being with him unprotected he recently just dumped me and started a new relationship with someone else. I'm sure he hasn't told her not is going to tell her he has the virus. But anyway upon being embarrassed and scared at the same time I encountered someone new and immediately we hit it off and things are going really good. Although we haven't had our first date yet, I decided to tell him ahead of time before I got into my feelings which I'm currently undergoing and things became more than what they are. His initial response was for me to txt my ex and tell him I'm good. Shocking right!? He then stated that he's staying no matter what and that we're going to be just fine. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes between us!


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15693 posts
Apr-03-15, 08:43 PM (CST)
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9. "Good for you..."
In response to message #8
 
One of the things that often comes with maturity is a sense of getting priorities in order. This virus that is a minor skin irritation for most people infected with it is a much bigger psychological problem than an actual physical one. Eventually, most people learn that the virus doesn't really define who we are and move on with their lives as it recedes into the background. Not that we don't tell others who have an actual need to know, but it shouldn't be on our minds daily.

When I found myself back in the dating game at about age 50, one of the things I did very early on when it looked like there might be some relationship developing, was to be very up front about my having herpes, but I didn't make it a confession, I just would say something about that I want to tell you about some things that you should know about me.

Nobody ran away and I'm now married over 15 years to one of the women that I told. She thought it was charming that I was so honest and forthcoming. It showed that was responsible and cared about her.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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