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Subject: "Help needed!! First 'talk' on the way."     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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Mumford91
Member since Oct-28-13
12 posts
Nov-04-13, 06:01 AM (CST)
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"Help needed!! First 'talk' on the way."
 
   Hi,

So recently I was tested positive for genital hsv 1 (newbie to the HHP business). The sores lasted about two weeks, but it never hurt at all, only when I had to wipe after the loo, and now all is clear down there and everything has healed. As to where I got the herpes: My boyfriend has a history of cold sores and we were always careful not to kiss or engage in oral sex when a sore was present, however we had no idea about asymptomatic shedding or the transmission of oral to genital - education regarding 'cold sores' really needs to be jacked up in my opinion. Its been 11 months into our relationship (still so early), and we engage in very frequent oral sex - almost every day. I have had a bit of a juggling act with emotions and acceptance but I am getting there.

Anyway, the point of the post is that I absolutely adore this relationship and would like to keep it going while we have time to be together, despite this hiccup. We love each other, but are having to break up soon due to both of us moving to a different country for an indefinite amount of time. I am wanting to keep seeing him for the remainder of months we have together - which also includes sex (and lots of it). Therefore, please could anyone give me some advice on how to tell him that he has given the virus to me without sounding accusatory? I haven't found information or guidelines on this so far. Any appropriate links or advice would be much appreciated. I do not blame him for this, I take just as much responsibility for not educating myself on the matter. I just don't want to deliver the message in a way that burdens him with guilt and I want to know more than just the facts that I read in the herpes handbooks.... Like what is it actually like living with or dating someone with genital hsv1?

I feel pretty contaminated right now and I am incredibly nervous/anxious/scared to talk to him about it. It is affecting my studies (busy with exams) and I guess some answers and support would be appreciated. I know it is not the end of my world and that there definitely is hope for my future relationships, it is just a bit of a blow. After all, you would much rather be without it. But in the end, things could be worse I guess

Thanks!!


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2511 posts
Nov-05-13, 08:53 AM (CST)
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1. "RE: Help needed!! First 'talk' on the way."
In response to message #0
 
   I know how to inform someone that I have HSV but I am not sure on how to tell someone else that they do and that they have transmitted it, but. . .

You may want to let him know that you recently found out that oral HSVI can be transmitted in the absence of symtoms to a partner's genitals via oral sex and that he needs to know this as he has oral HSVI. You can then go on to explain about how you recently learned. Make sure you make it known that you are both a victim of circumstance as neither of you were aware that it could be passed this way so there should be no blame put on either of you.

There have been times when I thought that I would much rather have GHSVI than the GHSVII that I have, but in the long run, HSV has only been a pest at best. I have been engaged a few times (even with men that also have GHSVII) but these engagements ended due to things other than my or their HSV. Having HSV has taught me that sex should enhance a relationship and not be the basis of one. It has helped me weed out the bad ones and have meaningful relationships with others. I have has only one bad telling as it was a telling and not the discussion that is should be. Your dating future is not over--maybe changed somewhat but just remember that dating is HARD with or without having HSV.

Raven00144


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Mumford91
Member since Oct-28-13
12 posts
Nov-06-13, 01:05 AM (CST)
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2. "RE: Help needed!! First 'talk' on the way."
In response to message #1
 
   Do I have to tell him?

I have received conflicting answers from people, some saying it is no t necessary seeing as we can't pass it back to each other. I want to protect him from this, but a selfish part of me just really doesn't want to ruin this relationship and the last few months together by having to deal with the emotional turmoil.


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Mumford91
Member since Oct-28-13
12 posts
Nov-13-13, 08:56 AM (CST)
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3. "RE: Help needed!! First 'talk' on the way."
In response to message #2
 
   I told him and it went very very well. We are still together, it actually brought us even closer

I feel guilty for expecting him to react badly but he was amazing about it and told me it makes absolutely no difference to how he feels about me or how much he wants to be with me (physically and sexually). Although he did feel really bad/guilty about giving it to me, but I think the fact that he gets it orally (and hates it!) made him more understanding about it. This has made me so much more confident about it and I know that it will make my next "telling" that much easier. This 'skin irritation', as I like to call it, really does not have to be the end of the world! Thanks for your advice about it, I am really glad I didn't chicken out as I clearly was about to


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2511 posts
Nov-16-13, 08:56 AM (CST)
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4. "RE: Help needed!! First 'talk' on the way."
In response to message #3
 
   I am glad it went well. Yes, those of us with HSV of any type should be sharing out status with potential partners prior to sex.

A larger majority of the population have HSVI than HSVII so if this relationship does not work out then it will be easy to find someone else that shares your virus. Having HSVI genitally is much less contagious in the absence of symptoms than the oral area is. Orally it sheds more often than in the genital area and once you have had this virus foe a while, it will OB less often.

I too am glad you did not chicken out.

Raven00144


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realcowboy
Member since Dec-6-05
241 posts
Mar-24-14, 08:13 PM (CST)
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5. "RE: Help needed!! First 'talk' on the way."
In response to message #0
 
   I have had the talk too many times and was only rejected one time. Believe me I was glad that one was a "no go" There were a few times where some dates told me they had it too. If someone cares they will date you unconditionally


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