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Subject: "Acceptance. How often when you have had the "talk" with a potential r..."     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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I seem to get turned down more than I don't. No votes Vote for this choice
I've never told anyone about my herpes yet 10 votes, 20% Vote for this choice
Edit this poll | Post message to this poll
  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
Acceptance. How often when you have had the "talk" with a potential r... [View All] graceadmin Jun-06-08 TOP
  1 for 1 sparky Jun-06-08 1
     RE: 1 for 1 graceadmin Jun-06-08 2
         RE: 1 for 1 Angelika Jun-06-08 3
             RE: 1 for 1 auntiejessiadmin Jun-06-08 4
                 RE: 1 for 1 cheek99 Jun-06-08 6
                 RE: 1 for 1 cheek99 Jun-06-08 7
                     RE: 1 for 1 auntiejessiadmin Jun-07-08 9
  Four windyadmin Jun-06-08 5
     RE: Four silver lining Jun-07-08 8
         RE: Four gracie Jun-09-08 10
             RE: Four klfr Jun-09-08 11
                 RE: Four Addictivegrl81 Jun-09-08 12
                     RE: Four jennyfromla Jun-09-08 13
                         RE: Four cym227 Jun-09-08 14
                             RE: Four Angelika Jun-10-08 15
  Telling... snowbunny Jun-14-08 16
     RE: Telling... silver lining Jun-14-08 17
         RE: Telling... Raven00144 Jun-14-08 18
  Hmmm SayWhat Jun-14-08 19
  the one and only morningstar Jun-15-08 20
  another one bites the dust... kariin Aug-25-08 21
     RE: another one bites the dust... Scooter Oct-25-08 22
         my response shaniece1 Nov-29-08 23
  Been turned down once - sort-of..... dasolo Feb-13-09 24
  Turned Down? whimzical1 Apr-15-09 25

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sparky
Member since Apr-7-05
1343 posts
Jun-06-08, 02:24 PM (CST)
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1. "1 for 1"
In response to message #0
 
i voted "never," but i've only had to tell once.


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graceadmin
Charter Member
13527 posts
Jun-06-08, 04:46 PM (CST)
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2. "RE: 1 for 1"
In response to message #1
 
2x in 22 years which I think is darn good odds.

grace

The first step in stopping the perceived stigma about genital herpes - is to stop believing in it yourself


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Angelika
Member since Aug-18-08
2252 posts
Jun-06-08, 05:09 PM (CST)
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3. "RE: 1 for 1"
In response to message #2
 
   I don't think I will vote b/c I don't want to skew the results since I've only told one person and he still wants to have sex with me but he is my ex boyfriend. But I don't want to vote never either b/c of that above example so I just wanted to describe my situation here.

Who among mortals may boast himself born with a fortune beyond reach of harm? - Aeschylus


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Jun-06-08, 05:49 PM (CST)
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4. "RE: 1 for 1"
In response to message #3
 
Never, and I've told quite a few.

AJ

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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cheek99
Charter Member
Jun-06-08, 09:45 PM (CST)
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6. "RE: 1 for 1"
In response to message #4
 
   I think that the poll is interesting but it mind end up being kind of deceptive; -as polls tend to be, I guess-
My question is if I am turned down by someone, how do I know it's because of my herpes? And no, I don't think it's an evasion or a philosophical question, this is real and comes from my dating experience. If you're not getting along with someone and you're not sexually compatible and that person tells you that they don't want to see you and it's because of herpes how do you know that a) they are telling the truth or b) they are using herpes as an excuse to bust out.
I wonder if someone newly diagnosed might check this out and panic. Of course this site provides such varied support and info on so many levels that they shouldn't but it would be important to keep in mind that rejection is difficult to pinpoint.


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cheek99
Charter Member
Jun-06-08, 09:47 PM (CST)
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7. "RE: 1 for 1"
In response to message #4
 
   Rock on, AJ!
Can you give me their numbers?


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Jun-07-08, 09:55 AM (CST)
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9. "RE: 1 for 1"
In response to message #7
 
Sure, Cheek, if you want men who want to introduce you to their mothers at the end of the first date, who argue with you about what gorgonzola cheese REALLY is, or who are still convinced, no matter what all the "smart people" say that you can indeed get "the AIDS" from toilet seats.

But you raise a good point about how do you really know. I do think there are men who will use herpes as an easy cop out, but I think we are talking about those who directly say "no I can't handle it" when you tell them, not 6 months down the road or something (I am always suspect of those).

AJ

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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windyadmin
Charter Member
8256 posts
Jun-06-08, 09:38 PM (CST)
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5. "Four"
In response to message #0
 
Four times yes, whether we ended up doing anything or not. The only one I might be able to count as a NO was the one who ran away when I told her after we had sex.


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silver lining
Member since Aug-19-08
927 posts
Jun-07-08, 01:49 AM (CST)
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8. "RE: Four"
In response to message #5
 
   haven't had to yet.

http://loveinthetimeofherpes.blogspot.com/


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gracie
Charter Member
Jun-09-08, 04:03 PM (CST)
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10. "RE: Four"
In response to message #8
 
   Only had the talk once, and amazingly enough he later told me that it was while I was telling him that he realized for sure that he was in love with me. So I'm one for one.


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klfr
Member since Dec-3-04
277 posts
Jun-09-08, 04:26 PM (CST)
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11. "RE: Four"
In response to message #10
 
   I'm guessing I've told about 25 men for various reasons over the past four years, and I've only had one person say no.

I almost always tell shortly after meeting someone, and they have all chosen to continue to pursue the relationship. If the relationship didn't progress, it had nothing to do with my H status, it just didn't work out. Some were looking for a relationship, some just sex, it didn't seem to make a difference. Oh, and just to be clear, I didn't sleep with 25 men.... lol.

Some I told to scare them away, but it didn't work.

Strangely enough, the one person who said no is probably the biggest player of them all. He was probably more of a risk to me than I was to him.



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Addictivegrl81
Member since May-30-07
812 posts
Jun-09-08, 05:40 PM (CST)
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12. "RE: Four"
In response to message #11
 
   LAST EDITED ON Jun-09-08 AT 05:41 PM (CST)
 
I have told a few and never been rejected except for the very first time. I actually "practiced" my first teling experience on a guy that would just not leave me alone and I had NO interest in. I figured he would go running away once i told him..and he did! hahaha

~addictivegrl~


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jennyfromla
Member since May-20-07
703 posts
Jun-09-08, 07:29 PM (CST)
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13. "RE: Four"
In response to message #12
 
   I voted red......but then again I've only told 3 potential partners.


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cym227
Member since Oct-11-05
262 posts
Jun-09-08, 09:12 PM (CST)
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14. "RE: Four"
In response to message #13
 
   I voted once. I've told about 8 people in the past (almost) three years. Only one rejected me and it was very clear it was because of herpes. (From someone who knew he gets cold sores I might add since I have ghsv-1) I also told him at the same time I had hpv in the past. He had told me he hadn't slept with many women mostly because he wanted it to be special but also because he didn't want std's so I just told him pretty quickly. We were getting along pretty well... He freaked and basically straight out said "I'm sorry I can't date you".

However, that's only one out of eight. The rest had varying degrees of response. All the way from: "Wow, that sucks." with no additional comment or concern to having questions and doing a little research on their own to having had an ex who had it.

Cym


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Angelika
Member since Aug-18-08
2252 posts
Jun-10-08, 01:21 AM (CST)
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15. "RE: Four"
In response to message #14
 
   The guy rejected you b/c you had the same virus as he only in a different location which makes you less contagious than he is? People's stupidity never ceased to amaze me. Although maybe he was just ignorant of these facts (not sure how you presented it to him, if you just said genital herpes or if you explained you have the same thing as he does.) He has the same chance of giving himself genital herpes by masturbating after touching his cold sore as he would have by having sex with you, probably higher since oral HSV sheds less.

Maybe it was b/c of HPV but then again pretty much everyone gets that so that's ridiculous as well.

Of course being uninformed might have been the cause of his reaction. Hopefully.

Interestingly I told several people (some who are interested in me sexually/romantically) about my HPV and cervial dysplasia and nobody even knew it's an STD until I explained it and then couple were like OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE AN STD. Then I explained the stats and they went online and found out that most people get it and then they seemed to just have forgotten about it and still want to have sex with me.

Who among mortals may boast himself born with a fortune beyond reach of harm? - Aeschylus


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snowbunny
Charter Member
Jun-14-08, 11:40 AM (CST)
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16. "Telling..."
In response to message #0
 
   This doesn't really fit with the subject of the poll, but last night, after our second bottle of wine....ok, it's was actualy our third I told my oldest bestest girlfriend I had recently contracted GHSV and guess what??? She told me she and her husband both have it too! I NEVER would have guessed...

So, I guess my point is that telling someone, although it may be hard to get the words out, can actually make you feel better. I can't express how much better I feel having someone to talk to about this, and by the way she really thinks it's not a big deal and made me see how much I've been obsessing and over-reacting about the whole thing.

I was so afraid she would think differently of me, but turns out now we are closer then ever. I'm glad I told. I think maybe the first person you tell is the hardest...

"Be the change you wish to see..."


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silver lining
Member since Aug-19-08
927 posts
Jun-14-08, 12:06 PM (CST)
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17. "RE: Telling..."
In response to message #16
 
   whoh snowbunny! what a cool experience. that's great. just goes to show you how many of our friends and family actually have it but just don't tell.

http://loveinthetimeofherpes.blogspot.com/


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Raven00144
Member since Sep-9-07
2509 posts
Jun-14-08, 03:33 PM (CST)
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18. "RE: Telling..."
In response to message #17
 
   LAST EDITED ON Jun-14-08 AT 05:05 PM (CST)
 
In the twenty plus years that I have had GHSVII I have been in a few long term relationships that ended for things other than H. In fact, I was involved with two men that have GHSVII also and one man had the discussion with me before I had it with him and none of these H- men turned me down because of my H status.


In the last three years I have told two people. One man I told rather soon and if I had waited, I would not have told at all because other red flags would have appeared (there were a few reg flags already that I was ignoring) and I would not have allowed the relationship to lead to sex. The second man that rejected me was because I told after the fact instead of before the fact. I was lonely and let things get out of hand until the next day when I had a hard time living with the guilt. I then had an OB that I think was sort of self inflicted with the self stress of having to tell him after the fact. In fact, I think of him from time. Telling after will never happen again.

One in four women and one in five men have this so the more people you DISCUSS this with, the more your chances of having this discussion with people that have it also. It really is a small world after all.


So here was my rant without a vote.

Raven00144


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SayWhat
Member since Dec-12-05
87 posts
Jun-14-08, 11:20 PM (CST)
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19. "Hmmm"
In response to message #0
 
   I say I've been turned down once, BUT there are a couple I've told and they seem okay with it. Yet, I know in my heart that they didn't pursue it with me "afterwards" because of it. They didn't want to appear like a dear in the headlights....so they seemed unaffected. It's only happened a couple of times, but I know it's true.

"Character is determined not by where you stand in times of comfort and convenience, but where you stand in times of conflict and convtroversy."

Martin Luther King, Jr.


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morningstar
Member since Nov-29-08
1 posts
Jun-15-08, 01:07 AM (CST)
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20. "the one and only"
In response to message #0
 
   I also voted "never," but I've only had to tell once.


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kariin
Member since Mar-28-07
9 posts
Aug-25-08, 05:13 PM (CST)
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21. "another one bites the dust..."
In response to message #0
 
   seems to be my new theme song - I've told 4, and have had 3 negative reactions - hard to keep things in perspective after this last one


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Scooter
Member since Sep-27-08
500 posts
Oct-25-08, 12:20 PM (CST)
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22. "RE: another one bites the dust..."
In response to message #21
 
I've now had HSV2 a year and I am still dealing with nerve pain everyday. I have no interest in dating at all right now, so I have never had to tell anyone. But when I am ready I've got lots of great advise from all of you

Scooter

"The two most powerful warriors are
patience and time". Leo Tolstoy



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shaniece1
Member since Nov-29-08
3 posts
Nov-29-08, 03:55 AM (CST)
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23. "my response"
In response to message #22
 
   LAST EDITED ON Nov-29-08 AT 03:56 AM (CST)
 
i've slept with so many people that i don't remember how many number wise that i've had to tell but maybe three in 9 years have said "no" but they were probably just looking for sex and not a relationship.

when i told someone way later of course he broke up with me. (i don't recommend that by the way) and more so because of the trust thing and less because of the herpes. we got back together and then i dumped him for something else. but even to this day he wants to get back together with me. he tells me pretty frequently.

most people are kool with it and just want more information/literature. if i told someone i had herpes and they just said "ok" and didn't ask any questions or say anything else i wouldn't want to sleep with them anymore, but that's just me.


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dasolo
Member since Feb-10-09
12 posts
Feb-13-09, 09:24 AM (CST)
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24. "Been turned down once - sort-of....."
In response to message #0
 
   I'm newly diagnosed, since Oct 08 with GHSV2. Following my diagnosis, my BF and I were still intimate, though used condoms. Following his last test in end of Dec (which) was negative, we have not had sex and he know just wants to be friends. He said that he thought he already had it and that's why we continued to have sex yet when he found out he didn't he now doesn't want it... and in turn me (at least sexually) though does want my friendship - arrggh!


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whimzical1
Member since Jan-30-09
4 posts
Apr-15-09, 05:26 PM (CST)
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25. "Turned Down?"
In response to message #0
 
   I was diagnosed July, 07, told one man the following February. He has since become a close friend, and he says that HSV2 isn't the reason we stopped dating soon after I told him - that it's because I demand monogamy, which isn't in his vocabulary. He has become a dear friend, but there's still a part of me that doesn't believe him. The only other person I've told was more recent, last month, and his attitude changed toward me almost immediately. I know that I told him too soon in our relationship, but I'm still pretty new at this, so I'll know better next time, and maybe it's a good thing that I told him too early; his attitude has shown me that his character is not the type I'm looking for. Still, I'm very sad and feeling that at this rate, I'll be alone a very long time.

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein


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