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Subject: "Happiness After Herpes"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Feb-10-02, 06:21 PM (CST)
 
"Happiness After Herpes"
 
   This is something I wrote awhile ago. I have been asked to repost it here. Hope it helps


I don't know about you, but when I was diagnosed with herpes, I thought my chances for ever being truly happy again were pretty much shot. I thought my sex life would never be the same again, if I ever even had sex again at all. I felt I would always feel dirty and contaminated. I was depressed by the thought of never having condom-free sex or barrier free oral sex again, and what about having kids? I worried that fear of transmission would
ruin sex for me and my partner. I thought no one I really wanted would want me with this. I was afraid I would never again experience love, that I would never get married, never have kids- and if I did, I would be with someone I felt I had to settle for because no one else would take me, someone I didn't really love or want or desire. I was scared and depressed by the thought that the rest of my life would be lonely and unfulfilled, and that I would die alone. I thought my dreams were doomed. I felt if there was any chance at happiness, it would come from the OUTSIDE- a vaccine, a miracle drug, an apologetic call from the hospital saying it was all a big mistake...

What I never dreamed then was that I could and would have all the happiness that I thought herpes had stolen from me, and more- once I found strength on the INSIDE.

Looking back now, it saddens me to think of all the time I wasted being unhappy over this. Either not dating, or ending relationships before they got sexual because I was afraid to tell
and face rejection. And all the time not realizing that the thing that was keeping me alone was not herpes, but ME- and my own fear.

I have a lot of sympathy for the person I was then, I'd like to hug her and show her the wonderful future that was waiting there the whole time, waiting for her to just open the door and let someone in again. I know she would have felt much better if I could just show her her future, that it would be filled with love and sex and all the things she dreamed of, that herpes really would not be an issue for her or her partner, even though he didn't have herpes. That sex could and would be wonderful and uninhibited and condom-free, that she wouldn't feel dirty or contaminated. That this happiness did not require anything from the outside, not finding out that the diagnosis was a big mistake, not a vaccine, not some new miracle drug- but just two people falling in love, like it happens all the time, being honest
with one another and loving eachother even more for that honesty. I can't go back in time and tell her these things, but I can tell you. And maybe that wasted time will not be so wasted if my story can save someone else an hour, a day, a month, or years of wasted time due to a herpes diagnosis.

Finding happiness again, for me, didn't come all at once. It started with just really living in other areas of life. Doing the things I wanted to do. Taking care of myself. Working out. Pursuing my own unique interests. Keeping work exciting and enjoyable. Valuing myself and my life again for everything it was.

And after doing this for awhile, life was pretty good again. But I still hadn't met that person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I remember one night I was reflecting on my life, and finally decided I really wanted to find love, someone I could love forever. I am not a religious person, though I am a spiritual person. Depending on the philosophy you have, you could say I prayed, sent a wish to the universe, or formulated an intention. I asked for someone to love completely, who would love me for everything I am. I resolved to try. I realized though, that the workoholic, sheltered lifestyle I led made it almost impossible for that person to find me. So I wrote up a description of myself that really reflected who I was, and a description of who I ideally wanted. And then I sent that message out into the universe. Yes, I posted an Internet personals ad. To my surprise, my wish list was answered by many but most importantly, by the man I would come to love. He was everything I ever dreamed of-and more that I hadn't dared to hope for. The fear almost ruined it for me again, unfortunately. Fear of rejection, fear of telling. I put off sex until he had started to come to the conclusion that deep down, I really just didn't want him as a lover. And so finally, when it seemed I would lose him and therefore had nothing to lose- I told. I realized in that moment before I told how cowardly I
had been, and how faithless.

Funny, how the revelation I thought would ruin my chances at love was the thing that saved it. When I told him, he was relieved and happy. Not because he had it too. He didn't. But because it was something we could deal with together, it wasn't that I didn't want him, it wasjust a small thing that had no chance of ruining something as great as we had found with eachother.

From then on, things just fell into place. We talked a lot. I made him read though a lot of information. And waited a good ten days or so after the OB I had gotten, likely from the stress at the prospect of losing him, or of telling. And with great anticipation, after a lot of very sexy emails about what I though was and wasn't "safe" to do in bed, we consummated our relationship. It was, without a doubt, the single most incredible sexual experience I had ever had in my life. Oh what a difference real love makes.

At first I insisted on condoms and spermicide. However they were proving ineffective for us as birth control, and irritating to him. I thought I was protecting him with all of my precautions. One night when I was worrying, he turned to me and said he almost wished he would just get herpes now so I would stop worrying and we could enjoy ourselves.

I realized then that what I was doing in trying to protect him was more even hurtful in another way. We talked with my doctor, and decided to stop using the condoms, and I went on the Pill. While he was okay with the risk, I wanted to do anything I could to protect him that wouldn't interfere with our enjoyment of one another, so I went on suppressive therapy. Though I didn't get frequent OB's, studies show that this can reduce asymptomatic shedding by 95%. Given that the female to male risk of transmission is only 4.5% if you simply avoid sex during outbreaks and prodrome, I figured that gave us pretty great odds of not transmitting. So far, so good. Life is good. Love is great. Sex is wonderful, and he has shown no symptoms of contracting H. We have a great life together. And herpes is not an issue in our relationship, or our sex life.

Sometimes I wonder if it weren't for the herpes, if I would be as happy as I am today. If the growth, understanding, and acceptance I experienced have made it possible for me to be as happy as I am today. If the up-front communication and problem solving this helped us learn hasn't made this my best relationship ever. If the "proof" of my honesty and character demonstrated by my telling didn't open him up- to love and trust in a way he couldn't otherwise. Or if being accepted with the herpes hasn't freed me in some way I couldn't have before to love more truly, more deeply, and more completely than I could have before herpes.

It isn't possible to know what "might have been" if I had never contracted herpes. I do suspect that some, if not all, of the above positive contributions to my life now are true. I do know that today, if I were given the opportunity to go back in time to the moment I got this and take it back, I wouldn't do so. I wouldn't risk changing the course of events to the life I have now.

If you had told me five years ago that I would turn down the opportunity to go back in time and undo the moment I got herpes, I would never have believed it. I would in fact not have believed that I could be as happy as I am now. It's only now that I realize that negative belief is exactly what was keeping me from happiness in the first place. It wasn't herpes that was the problem. It was my own fear. The stats on this board run about 3 of 4 telling experiences going well, relationships that continue and are not broken up by the herpes issue. Relationships can and will break up for other reasons of course. Herpes is a small one compared to all the others. One thing that is true however- you can't win if you don't try. If you don't give yourself the chance to love, the best you can hope for is 0 of 0. I'll take 3 of 4 over that any day.

I don't know you and I don't know your whole story. I hope though, that if you see yourself doing the things I did, thinking the way I did, and making the mistakes I did, that you can learn from my mistakes. That you will be smarter than me, and stronger than me, and have more faith in yourself and the power of love than I did. That you will not waste the time I did making myself unhappy for no good reason.

Herpes is, in the end, an itty bitty little skin virus that biggest problem most of us have with it is the emotional aspect, which is almost entirely about our own fear.

There IS happiness after herpes. Like anything else worthwhile in life, it involves taking some risk. Most of the time, the only thing stopping you from getting what you really want is you.


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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
Happiness After Herpes [View All] Lisa2 (Guest) Feb-10-02 TOP
  RE: Happiness After Herpes MB (Guest) Feb-15-02 1
  RE: Happiness After Herpes sista (Guest) Feb-17-02 2
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Feb-20-02 3
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Bashful (Guest) Feb-22-02 4
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Cat7 Oct-12-07 177
             RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Oct-12-07 178
         RE: Happiness After Herpes gman Oct-14-07 180
         RE: Happiness After Herpes lixonn Oct-27-10 214
             Have you tried different antivirals? Rajahadmin Oct-27-10 215
     RE: Happiness After Herpes I_poz Mar-23-07 152
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ophelia (Guest) Apr-02-02 5
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Apr-03-02 6
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ms. Facts (Guest) Apr-11-02 7
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Apr-12-02 8
         RE: Happiness After Herpes rx woman (Guest) Jun-24-02 17
             RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 26
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ruth (Guest) Apr-14-02 9
     RE: Happiness After Herpes dcc (Guest) Apr-18-02 10
         RE: Happiness After Herpes R (Guest) Apr-23-02 11
             RE: Happiness After Herpes Beth (Guest) Apr-24-02 12
                 RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Oct-02-02 27
                     RE: Happiness After Herpes sir. herpes a lot Jan-03-06 104
                         It's easy for a post to get lost in this huge thread.. Rajahadmin Jan-04-06 105
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Bee (Guest) Apr-25-02 13
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 25
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Been reading your story (Guest) May-01-02 14
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 24
  RE: Happiness After Herpes mdsungoddess (Guest) Jun-16-02 15
  RE: Happiness After Herpes stormy Jun-23-02 16
  RE: Happiness After Herpes neekyboo (Guest) Jun-27-02 18
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Rajahadmin Jun-28-02 19
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Dixie (Guest) Jul-03-02 21
         RE: Happiness After Herpes angelfromGod Aug-15-08 210
     RE: Happiness After Herpes smile May-12-05 81
     RE: Happiness After Herpes help I need somebody Jul-14-05 87
     RE: Happiness After Herpes thinkerwisfhul Oct-30-05 103
  RE: Happiness After Herpes dixie (Guest) Jul-02-02 20
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jul-10-02 23
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Mare (Guest) Jul-10-02 22
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-05-02 28
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Ruby1 Dec-05-02 29
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-06-02 30
             It gets better if you let it Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-06-02 31
                 RE: It gets better if you let it Beaugirly (Guest) Dec-10-02 32
     RE: Happiness After Herpes dolly haze Jun-20-05 85
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Mary (Guest) Dec-13-02 33
     A few words of encouragement... Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-22-02 34
         Lisa2 proves, once again, that... Rajahadmin Dec-22-02 35
             Aw, shucks... Lisa2 (Guest) Dec-22-02 36
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Jude (Guest) Dec-24-02 37
     Hi Jude Lisa2 Jan-14-03 40
  RE: Happiness After Herpes pg (Guest) Jan-02-03 38
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Steph (Guest) Jan-03-03 39
     RE: Happiness After Herpes fil (Guest) Jan-15-03 41
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 (Guest) Jan-15-03 42
  RE: Happiness After Herpes adam (Guest) Feb-10-03 43
     RE: Happiness After Herpes msmom Feb-11-03 44
  RE: Happiness After Herpes lisa as well (Guest) Mar-19-03 45
     RE: Happiness After Herpes msmom Mar-19-03 46
     You deserve better Lisa2 (Guest) Jun-13-03 50
         RE: You deserve better gcc Jan-17-05 76
  RE: Happiness After Herpes danny5 (Guest) May-09-03 47
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jun-13-03 51
  RE: Happiness After Herpes palmtree May-12-03 48
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Workout12 (Guest) May-20-03 49
  RE: Happiness After Herpes katied (Guest) Jul-23-03 52
  RE: Happiness After Herpes TWTCH (Guest) Jul-29-03 53
     Glad my story helped you Lisa2 Sep-12-03 56
         RE: Yoshi2me Sep-12-03 58
         RE: Glad my story helped you Brand new to herpes Aug-12-06 123
             RE: Glad my story helped you auntiejessiadmin Aug-12-06 124
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ann (Guest) Aug-04-03 54
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Sep-12-03 57
  RE: Happiness After Herpes joanna Aug-05-03 55
     Glad to have helped, Joanna Lisa2 Dec-05-03 59
         Lisa2!!! Rajahadmin Dec-05-03 60
             Hi Rajah! Lisa2 Feb-12-04 65
  RE: Happiness After Herpes blizzard Dec-13-03 61
  RE: Happiness After Herpes flowerchild Dec-13-03 62
     RE: Happiness After Herpes honey Jan-03-04 63
         RE: Happiness After Herpes :-) Sep-22-04 70
  RE: Happiness After Herpes thankful Jan-09-04 64
     Glad to hear it Lisa2 Feb-12-04 66
  RE: Happiness After Herpes lisa33 Mar-10-04 67
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Mar-15-04 68
         RE: Happiness After Herpes ddd Oct-26-04 72
         RE: Happiness After Herpes No one left to love Jul-14-05 88
  RE: Happiness After Herpes january121 Dec-06-04 73
  RE: Happiness After Herpes struggling Jan-05-05 74
     I'm glad we're helping.. Rajahadmin Jan-05-05 75
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 May-24-05 82
         Lisa2!!!! OMG!! Rajahadmin May-24-05 83
             Hi Rajah Lisa2 May-26-05 84
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Diamondgirl Mar-26-05 77
     Care to discuss? Rajahadmin Mar-28-05 78
         RE: Care to discuss? T Jul-31-05 90
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Ready T. Live Mar-28-05 79
  RE: Happiness After Herpes KS May-05-05 80
  RE: Happiness After Herpes "makayla" Jun-28-05 86
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Hurt but hopeful Jul-31-05 89
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Surreal Jul-31-05 91
             Re Happiness After Herpes Hurt but hopeful Jul-31-05 92
         RE: Happiness After Herpes cas Jul-31-05 93
         RE: Happiness After Herpes sp905 Sep-13-06 127
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Bewitchme Aug-01-05 94
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Aug-30-05 95
         Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.. Rajahadmin Aug-30-05 96
             RE: Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.. Peggy Sep-02-05 97
             RE: Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.. Lisa2 Sep-07-05 98
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Joyce Sep-16-05 99
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Oct-11-05 100
         Hello Everebody, wakeup!;-) Annomilooto Sep-25-07 176
  RE: Happiness After Herpes susie2 Oct-23-05 101
     Lisa2's message is a classic in every way.. Rajahadmin Oct-26-05 102
  Addendum Lisa2 Feb-06-06 106
     RE: Addendum Molly55 Feb-09-06 107
     RE: Addendum Kelly Feb-20-06 109
         For Kelly howladmin Feb-21-06 110
         RE: Addendum Lisa2 May-22-06 115
             I'm pretty sure this has to be the record for.. Rajahadmin May-22-06 116
                 RE: I'm pretty sure this has to be the record for.. Lisa2 May-26-06 119
     RE: Addendum expecting3178 Apr-14-06 113
         RE: Addendum Mizzie May-24-06 118
  RE: Happiness After Herpes socal Feb-20-06 108
     RE: Happiness After Herpes ga guest Jun-13-06 121
  RE: Happiness After Herpes pikione Mar-11-06 111
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Depressed Mar-28-06 112
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Amy May-11-06 114
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Thank you. May-24-06 117
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Iamme Jun-11-06 120
  RE: Happiness After Herpes WhatNext Jul-07-06 122
  RE: Happiness After Herpes lorrie45 Aug-12-06 125
  RE: Happiness After Herpes tracey Aug-29-06 126
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Confused djg Oct-19-06 128
     RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Oct-19-06 129
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Sarah Oct-22-06 130
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Oct-26-06 131
         Can you believe it, Lisa2? 132 posts counting this. Rajahadmin Oct-26-06 132
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Buff Nov-09-06 133
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Nov-22-06 134
  RE: Happiness After Herpes overloaded_badluck Dec-20-06 135
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Marianne Dec-21-06 136
         RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Dec-21-06 137
             RE: Happiness After Herpes overloaded_badluck Dec-21-06 138
                 RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Dec-22-06 139
                 Meet me in support... msmom Dec-22-06 140
                 RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Feb-21-07 144
  RE: Happiness After Herpes manda Jan-20-07 141
     RE: Happiness After Herpes ScaredWhy Feb-10-07 142
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Anna25 Feb-20-07 143
             RE: Happiness After Herpes ScaredWhy Feb-28-07 145
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Q2007 Mar-18-07 146
     RE: Happiness After Herpes C16679admin Mar-18-07 147
         RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-18-07 148
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Mar-19-07 149
         Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Rajahadmin Mar-19-07 150
             RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Lisa2 Mar-20-07 151
                 RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. new and scared Mar-25-07 153
                     RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. auntiejessiadmin Mar-25-07 154
                     RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Lisa2 Apr-04-07 155
                         RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. sweetnfeisty Apr-04-07 156
                         RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. new and scared Apr-04-07 157
                             RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.. Lisa2 Apr-19-07 158
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Jennyfromla May-19-07 159
     One more thank you! jennyfromla May-21-07 160
         You're more than welcome, Jenny.. Rajahadmin May-22-07 161
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 May-29-07 162
         RE: Happiness After Herpes jennyfromla May-30-07 163
  RE: Happiness After Herpes gina-d Jul-09-07 165
     RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Jul-09-07 166
         RE: Happiness After Herpes lynn23 Jul-09-07 167
             RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jul-17-07 170
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jul-17-07 169
         RE: Happiness After Herpes Happy111 Jul-20-07 171
  RE: Happiness After Herpes LadyM Aug-02-07 172
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Aug-02-07 173
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Hannah Sep-01-07 174
     Good for you, Hannah... Rajahadmin Sep-01-07 175
  RE: Happiness After Herpes gman Oct-14-07 179
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Thoughtful Mind Oct-30-07 181
     RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Oct-31-07 182
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jan-03-08 189
  RE: Happiness After Herpes newbie Nov-05-07 183
     Yes, Lisa2 still visits from time to time.. Rajahadmin Nov-07-07 185
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jan-03-08 187
  RE: Happiness After Herpes VitalSigns Nov-05-07 184
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jan-03-08 188
  RE: Happiness After Herpes finally a cure!! Nancy Nov-12-07 186
     RE: Happiness After Herpes finally a cure!! matt51 Jan-04-08 190
         RE: Happiness After Herpes finally a cure!! Lisa2 Jan-04-08 191
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Andrea Mar-02-08 192
     RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-02-08 193
  RE: Happiness After Herpes janedoe64 Mar-04-08 194
     RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-04-08 195
         RE: Happiness After Herpes apple1 Mar-31-08 196
             RE: Happiness After Herpes auntiejessiadmin Mar-31-08 197
  RE: Happiness After Herpes snowbunny May-31-08 198
  Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 199
     RE: Desperately needing advice... Raven00144 Jun-22-08 200
         RE: Desperately needing advice... auntiejessiadmin Jun-22-08 201
             RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 203
                 RE: Desperately needing advice... C16679admin Jun-22-08 204
                     RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 205
                         RE: Desperately needing advice... graceadmin Jun-23-08 206
                             RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-25-08 208
         RE: Desperately needing advice... ms_anonymous Jun-22-08 202
  RE: Happiness After Herpes Matt14 Jun-25-08 207
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Jul-03-08 209
         RE: Happiness After Herpes angelfromGod Aug-15-08 211
  RE: Happiness After Herpes ChloeCat Sep-24-09 212
  RE: Happiness After Herpes ronnie234 May-09-10 213
  RE: Happiness After Herpes SweetGirl Dec-12-10 216
  RE: Happiness After Herpes renemarie Jul-24-12 217
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Peggy Aug-08-12 218
     RE: Happiness After Herpes Lisa2 Apr-28-14 220
  RE: Happiness After Herpes yakima2013 Mar-02-13 219

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MB (Guest)
Guest
Feb-15-02, 12:56 PM (CST)
 
1. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you lisa. YOur post did alot for my hopes..
I have met someone i really like alot and things are going perfectly for us. I have been not enjoying the whole thing cause of my fear that when i tell him the sh&t will hit the fan...(ya know what i mean)
The more i think about it, i realize he is an understanding guy and when our relationship gets to that point I will tell him.

I can only hope for the best.


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sista (Guest)
Guest
Feb-17-02, 04:52 AM (CST)
 
2. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   i have just contracted herpes and i can't tell you what a difference reading your article made to me. i cried when i read how sad you were: i'm feeling a lot of the same stuff, but your letter has given me such hope. thank you for sharing so intimately - i'm that girl you just wanted to hug and reassure, and you have! i'm so grateful. i know there's a long way to go and most of my big trials are ahead of me, but knowing others have faced it makes me feel i can too.

thank you!


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Feb-20-02, 04:50 PM (CST)
 
3. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #2
 
   Your are welcome, Sista. Glad to have helped. *hug* It will be ok.


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Bashful (Guest)
Guest
Feb-22-02, 08:06 AM (CST)
 
4. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #3
 
   Let me just say what a great and positive story to share! I have had H for about 9 years and I wish that this forum existed then! For those of you who were just diagnosed.....you are absolutely going to benefit from this place. Hang in there...it will be a bumpy ride but its not the end of the world. Time heals and you will find that this thing can actually be turned into a huge positive. You have to look at it from a different view. You will learn so much about yourself and life and appreciate the things that really matter most!


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Cat7
Guest
Oct-12-07, 11:53 AM (CST)
 
177. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #3
 
   Hi Lisa:
Great story! I have a question about the suppression therapy that you discussed. Can you provide us with more information about what it involves?
Thanks so much!


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Lisa2
Guest
Oct-12-07, 05:39 PM (CST)
 
178. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #177
 
   Cat, there are many suppressive drugs you can take- acyclovir, valtrex, or famvir. Valtrex has been clinically proven to reduce tranmission. It is likely the other two do as well, but I don't think there have been any studies to prove that.


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gman
Guest
Oct-14-07, 03:09 AM (CST)
 
180. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #3
 
   >Your are welcome, Sista. Glad to have helped. *hug* It will
>be ok.
thanks lisa r u online just now?


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lixonn
Member since Oct-26-10
2 posts
Oct-27-10, 00:10 AM (CST)
Click to EMail lixonn Click to send private message to lixonn Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
214. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #3
 
   A very inspirational story indeed. I dont want to sound negative but I doubt that anybody here has been in my shoes, however. Its really hard to stay optimistic about herpes while on suppresive therapy and still getting Constant outbreaks. I'm talking in over a year since I've acquired it, its actually gotten WORSE and less responsive to antivarals and I can barely remember days my skin was clear. Outbreaks are milder on suppressive therapy but consider this: I'm on suppressive therapy that is usually prescribed to people with real immune problems- 1000 mg of Valtrex or 1000mg of Famvir per day. I also tried all herbal treatments/supplements/lysine, everything that is supposed to help with outbreaks. I did a lot of testing- I;m fine otherwise and have to underlying infections, my immune system is ok. In my case, the virus reactivates exclusively by touching/rubbing the foreskin which means I cant have sex without getting an outbreak. Not even masturbation. Of a few pleasures in my life I'm deprived of something that is about as vital to me as food. How do you live with that, not to say be happy?????


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
Oct-27-10, 09:56 AM (CST)
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215. "Have you tried different antivirals?"
In response to message #214
 
Between Acyclovir, valtrex and famvir, some people respond differently to them. There are some strains that are resistant to this series of antivirals, too. eventually, there will be some antiviral that act on the viral replication in a different way that might help, but they're not available yet. Keep an eye on trials. Too, there's some hope for vaccines that are therapeutic as well as prophylactic.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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I_poz
Member since Mar-23-07
3 posts
Mar-23-07, 04:32 AM (CST)
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152. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #2
 
   >i have just contracted herpes and i can't tell you what a
>difference reading your article made to me. i cried when i
>read how sad you were: i'm feeling a lot of the same stuff,
>but your letter has given me such hope. thank you for
>sharing so intimately - i'm that girl you just wanted to hug
>and reassure, and you have! i'm so grateful. i know there's
>a long way to go and most of my big trials are ahead of me,
>but knowing others have faced it makes me feel i can too.
>
>thank you!


Every poz girl/guy will cry when she/he reads this story, but remember that God help those who help themselves.


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Ophelia (Guest)
Guest
Apr-02-02, 10:59 PM (CST)
 
5. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   No words could express...I am completely and totally taken back, not only because you are so amazing, and have such a profound story...but, so unbelievably parallel to mine, it gave me chills! I wish I could hug that silly sad girl of yours (even though she's long gone by now!) but right now I'm going to take the time to hug mine..(she's just comin' alive again, as of tonight!) My beautiful man grabbed me and told me "honey, you might as well told me you have the flu! Come over here and let me love you!!" You are such a bright and shining star!


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Lisa2
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904 posts
Apr-03-02, 10:19 PM (CST)
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6. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #5
 
   Ophelia, a big hug to you! Thank you, and I am glad to hear you have a wonderful success story too. I hope you will post it here under it's own thread, to share your experiences with everyone here and inspire others with your great attitude. You are a star yourself what a great story, I love that quote!


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Ms. Facts (Guest)
Guest
Apr-11-02, 04:26 PM (CST)
 
7. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Could you please give the source of that statistic on female to male transmission risk of 4.x%? This is the first place I've come across that figure. It would sure help me with my current situation if I could confidently pass that figure on to a certain someone. Thanks.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Apr-12-02, 01:14 PM (CST)
 
8. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #7
 
   http://www.racoon.com/herpes/main/aware.htm

4.5% is female to male. Male to female is 18.9%

Other studies have shown slightly lower transmission risks.


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rx woman (Guest)
Guest
Jun-24-02, 00:15 AM (CST)
 
17. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #8
 
   There are many links on the page you mentioned. Which one links to the study with the 4% transmission figure?

Thanks.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:25 PM (CST)
 
26. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #17
 
   www.viridae.com/herpes


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Ruth (Guest)
Guest
Apr-14-02, 09:08 PM (CST)
 
9. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thanks so much for this story. I have had oral and genital HSV-1 for over 20 years. All was fine when I was married to the partner who gave it to me. Then I was divorced began dating and have had some problems.

My first lover after the divorce got HSV-1 genitally from me. He did not break off the relationship, but I felt a great deal of guilt about having given this to him. Eventually, we broke up for other reasons.

In my second relationship, I disclosed all to my partner in the beginning. After a time, he did not want to use condoms, which I thought meant that he was not worried about transmission. After about 5 months, he had a genital sore, but it went away before he could get to the doctor. I had not had any outbreaks at all. At this point, he became anxious about contracting the virus from me, and broke off the relationship. He plans to get a blood test, but the results, if positive, will be inconclusive as to whether he already had HSV-1 or if I gave it to him.

I have been feeling very discouraged about having future relationships due to this problem. However, reading your story has given me hope. I have been taking Lysine for over a year and it seems to have helped. Now I am thinking about going on suppressive therapy. Anyway, thank you very much for taking the time to tell your story.


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dcc (Guest)
Guest
Apr-18-02, 03:28 AM (CST)
 
10. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #9
 
   Hi , still trying to diagnose myself..
but questions keep coming in... how does one have oral sex when positive? i mean obviously u use condoms for intercourse but what about oral?
alos if you don't have an outbreak does mean u can have safe sex with your partner with no condom?
a tell me a little about suppressive therapy.. thanks!!


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R (Guest)
Guest
Apr-23-02, 11:23 PM (CST)
 
11. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #10
 
   Hi,

The unfortunate thing about Herpes is that you can pass it on to a partner when you do not have an outbreak. I think you should read all you can about this. There is lots of information available on web sites, etc. Suppressive therapy helps keep you from having outbreaks...and from what I've read here, can reduce the times that you are contagious when you don't have outbreaks.


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Beth (Guest)
Guest
Apr-24-02, 12:32 PM (CST)
 
12. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #11
 
   Suppressive therapy reduces shedding but it has not been proven to reduce transmission. That is still under study right now.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Oct-02-02, 01:25 AM (CST)
 
27. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #12
 
   A Valtrex Study now demonstrates it reduces transmission by 50%, symptomatic transmission by 77%.


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sir. herpes a lot
Guest
Jan-03-06, 01:08 PM (CST)
 
104. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #27
 
   i have herpes too. its scary. sometimes i wake up all itchy and my genitals are discolored. the burning sensation tingles every morning. please... what should i do. i'm so scared


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
Jan-04-06, 07:41 PM (CST)
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105. "It's easy for a post to get lost in this huge thread.."
In response to message #104
 
YOu'll probably get a lot more responses in the Support forum.

Now, you say you have herpes, but I wonder how you were diagnosed? Did you see a doctor, or was this a self diagnosis. If it was not by a diagnostic test like a culture or a blood test, then it's hardly certain that you have herpes. The discoloration you describe puzzles me as the usual symptomology of herpes involved a few clusters of tiny blisters.

I'd suggest posting your question with more details in the Support forum and see what responses you get there.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Bee (Guest)
Guest
Apr-25-02, 02:53 AM (CST)
 
13. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I just got diagnosed with both HSV I and II two weeks ago and was practically hysterical. I didn't even have the symptoms,yet. Maybe it was all the stress of a recent long term breakup and/or finding out i had herpes, but last week i started feeling like i had some of the symptoms. I thought my body was playing tricks on me. I just started feeling kind of tingly and itchy and immediately went on Valtrex. I never got a sore just the symptoms. Although my blood test came back with both antibody types positive, i still can't believe it. All i could think about is this and how i'm going to live my life from now on. I was devastated to find out and go through this alone. I am very sad and ever since last week have been poring through all the websites i can find to learn Anything and Everything about this. I do not ever want to infect anyone in the future.

After going through this site, i realized that i can still have a normal life. I thought "this is my reality" and i cannot let it take over my life. Especially after reading your post. I cried when i read it and am grateful for you sharing it. I thank you for giving me the courage to go on with my life, and not waste valuable time being emotionally depressed about this, (as i have been up until now). You have changed me with your story and i will be grateful to you forever, for having shared it.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:24 PM (CST)
 
25. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #13
 
   *hugs* thanks knowing I may have spared you some of the uneccessary waste of time and bad decisions I made based on negative thinking through my story is just what I've hoped to do to make some of my wasted time somehow worthwhile


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Been reading your story (Guest)
Guest
May-01-02, 05:08 PM (CST)
 
14. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Did I get it right, you found "Jesus" and then went out and had intercourse within a month or so...

Man, I've never seen Him worshipped in that manner.

I am very glad you have found happiness, you certainly deserve it, just that line threw me. Sort of like joining a nunnery and having a side job in a strip club....lol...

Well, you sound like a sweet girl, and I wish you the best of luck! You write well by the way, ought to try that as a career.

G.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:20 PM (CST)
 
24. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #14
 
   Um, no...and I am confused as to how you could get that from what I wrote. I formulated an intention, send out a wish to the universe, a prayer you could say...and took action. I actually waited six months or so before I had sex with him...I almost lost him from waiting so long. This relationship broke up years later for completely unrelated reasons, but the love lesson it taught me remains...

Thanks for the compliment on the writing, I already do it as a career.


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mdsungoddess (Guest)
Guest
Jun-16-02, 10:04 AM (CST)
 
15. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you!!!!!


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stormy
Charter Member
66 posts
Jun-23-02, 08:57 PM (CST)
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16. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   WOW!!!! THANKS!!!!


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neekyboo (Guest)
Guest
Jun-27-02, 01:11 AM (CST)
 
18. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   hi. i was just diagnosed w/ genital herpes after spending a week in the hospital sufffering from symptoms. the doctors actually thought it was menengitis, until i told them i had a 'yeast infection' and they investigated. your story helped me feel a little better, but i can't help being sad and depressed about this. i got it from my ex-boyfriend, who is the only person i've ever had sex with. he got it from this girl he'd been dating, and i think she had been lying to him about it. she swore up and down he was her first. see, my ex and i were high school sweethearts for about 8 years. we never worried about stds because we were both each other's first, and there was a bond of trust between us most people couldn't believe actually existed. We broke up last year, but remained friends. soon after, he began dating some lonely, needy woman from his job. it always hurt me deeply that he could just go out and have sex with someone else so soon after our breakup, and we didn't talk to each other for about 4 months. then, we began talking again and became intimate. he assured me he always used a condom with old girl (who was supposed to be a virgin, remember) so I wasn't worried. we used a condom sometimes, not always. at the same time, i was dating other guys, but hadn't worked up the nerve or trust to sleep with any one of them. I wouldn't even kiss them for a long time. I had just met two really nice men that I wouldn't mind going out with before i got sick. One i have gone out for ice cream with once and talked to on the phone alot. the other guy i met the day before i went to the hospital. One of them came to see me in the hospital, while my ex didn't even show up. he called, talking about how he 'loves me so much' (but yet he's still screwing this other girl). I don't even want to call the other guys back now because I am so devastated by this disease. I mean, i was trying to be careful by not sleeping with just anyone, but i guess i wasn't careful enough with my ex. i am so angry with him now, even though he didn't even know he had herpes until i got tested in the hospital. i can't help being so angry with him, and myself for not using a condom all the time. i feel ugly and nasty. My first outbreak so far has been a nightmare. I had a temperature of 102.7, a killer headache, swollen jaws, pain in my butt and legs, blisters up the wazoo. Every symptom you can think of, i have now or had it in the hospital. I'm okay if i can keep busy, but sometimes I can't help but to cry and sob. i feel like God is punishing me or that he hates me (i tell myself that's not true, He loves me, but why then is he letting this happen to me when some of my friends who will screw anything remain disease-free?) I have friends who each have slept with at least 50-100 people. I sleep with one guy and get whacked. why? i don't deserve this. i don't mean to rant and rave to you all, but i am so depressed right now. i feel like my social life is virtually dead.


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
Jun-28-02, 05:40 PM (CST)
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19. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #18
 
/herpes/images2/r.jpgHi, Neekyboo. Wow, that was a doozie of a primary OB. I'm sorry you had to be so uncomfortable. First of all this is a virus that a LOT of people have and it is not some punishment from anyone, let alone God, so get that idea put in proper perspective. Second, don't be so sure that your promiscuous friends are disease-free, the odds of that are miniscule. They may not yet know that they have herpes or other diseases, but the chances are greatly in favor of them being infected give the statistics that you describe.

I'm glad you came here to rant. We are good listeners and have a lot of experience listening to rants.

Now, here is the deal. Most important - It will get better. By that I mean that most likely the physical symptoms will get better as time goes by and equally the emotional turmoil will get better, too. I want you to realize that you are the same wonderful person you were before the virus came along. That has not changed. Also you will discover that there will be men who will not be bothered by your status as having herpes. I felt much as you did a few years ago when I divorced my first wife who brought herpes home to me, but to my surprise, there were women that I met who were not deterred by my having herpes and still wanted to have a relationship with me. I married one of them So far as we know, she does not have herpes yet. We are reasonable careful, but not obsessive about it.

I suspect that there will be some others along to give you some comments, too, so keep checking back.

Please let us know how we can help you further.

Good luck,

Rajah

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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Dixie (Guest)
Guest
Jul-03-02, 07:26 PM (CST)
 
21. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #19
 
   Neekyboo..I know you are feeling horrible right now. Believe me, most people on this site have been there too. The guy I got it from was someone I dated on and off - but never had sex with. Well, we went away to a friends wedding in a tropical place and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex briefly. And I "briefly" got herpes from that ONE incident. He also claimed to not have known he had it. I think he knew, but there was nothing I could do. He said he would go to the doctor and check it out - he never called back to tell me if he did or not. Well, I saw him months later (I started dated a WONDERFUL guy - so my confidence was high) and told him off. I mean have the decency to call and say "I went to the doctor and you're right - I have it." I too, felt like my life was ruined by him. But the longer you have it, the more you realize its like getting a blemish every once in awhile. I can't say I'm at the place where some of the others on this site are at. I still get depressed, but I can't blame having this disease on why I'm not going out with people. That's why the WONDERFUl guy I met - I broke up with cause I was scared to tell him I had this and so I woudln't have sex and I broke it off. He's now seeing someone serious and I wonder if that would've been me if I couldve been completely honest with him. He thought maybe I was a virgin b/c we didn't have sex - he may have thought I didn't want him. The next time I'm with someone I truely care about I'm telling them earlier b/c life is TOO SHORT and it seems if the person is truely the one - they will accept this. They may hesitate - I'm not gonna kid myself, but I think they are more forgiving than we are to our own selves. Please keep your head up - it does get better. I've had it since last July - almost a year and it does get better. And I'm gonna have to deal with something soon - the guy that gave it to me is going on a trip with our group to the same location where I originally got it from him. It is gonna take strength for me not to go off on him while he is among the people that will be with me on this trip.


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angelfromGod
Member since Aug-15-08
2 posts
Aug-15-08, 10:14 PM (CST)
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210. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #19
 
   Hi Rajah.. I had a quick question for you. You mentioned that it was your first wife that exposed you.. and you divorced her. Did you divorce her because of her giving you H or were there other reasons?


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smile
Guest
May-12-05, 05:46 PM (CST)
 
81. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #18
 
   The same thing happened to me... I had a boyfriend from the time I was 16 to 23. He left me for a SLUT. I always thought about him... He came back after 6 years and one thing led to another and we USED PROTECTION and I still got herpes from him. He says he doesn't have it. YEAH RIGHT. My doctor told me it was my first exposure to it. The culture came back positive and my bloodwork barely showed antibodies for it. Now there is NO WAY we will be togehter and I feel so alone. I don't want to do anything. This site is great, it has lifted my spirits. I am going to have to print a copy of all the messages and read them every HOUR.


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help I need somebody
Guest
Jul-14-05, 01:45 PM (CST)
 
87. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #18
 
   They way that you feel right now is 110% identical to what I am going through and how I feel. Its as if I just want to curl up in a ball and die. My friends are the same way with their cassual sex, and yet I'm the one that get hit with the big lebowsky. If you ever want to talk let me know, we may be able to lean on one another


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thinkerwisfhul
Guest
Oct-30-05, 01:24 PM (CST)
 
103. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #18
 
   I am struggling through the same thing right now- I haven't even had intercourse and am waiting to be diagnosed with this awful virus. And I tooootally understand how unfair it seems with you friends-just about all of my friends but me have actually had sex and some with multiple partners, without protection, etc. I share your fear about your social life being dead. I too feel completely unlovable and worhtless, but I am trying so hard to change that and just hearing other people go through this makes me feel a bit better. I wish I could say something more to help you (or hell to help me) feel better. I am terrified and so angry and it sounds as though you are too. I think I am most angry at myself for compromising something I never thought I would, and also for not insisintg on finding out that my boyfriend was tested for herpes (I did insist that he was tested for all STD's but stupidly, many places don't include a herpes bloodtest and I didn't know that at the time). In terms of God punishing you- please don't think that, one thing that I am realzing (and struggling with) is that there is a difference between a punishment and a consequence; though it does seem absolutely unfair. You will be in my prayers- and good luck!


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dixie (Guest)
Guest
Jul-02-02, 08:46 PM (CST)
 
20. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Lisa: this is the best story I have read on any site. I lost it when I read your story. More people need to hear this. I have had the "challenge" for almost a year now. and I, like most people, was completely devasted by it when I found out I had it. Then Sept. 11 happened and I realized my life could be OVER and I am not even going to take a chance on meeting someone. So, I went out with a guy I had wanted to date but was afraid to. He was a wonderful guy who wasn't ready to get serious at first..so I didn't have sex w/him cause I was afraid to tell him if he wasn't "the one". Then we got closer and closer, but I was sooo afraid to tell him that I felt like I pushed him away b/c I was afraid what he would think if he knew I had it. He wanted to know why I wouldn't have sex and I told him (which was partially true) that I wanted to be in a serious relationship first..but it was like the chicken and the egg..we dated for 4 months and I think he wanted to get serious - hence "sex" and I was afraid to tell him. So I broke it off..We are still great friends and its funny now but he is dating someone serious (I broke it off about 5 months ago) and I feel like I really want to tell him. Just because I think now after analyzing the whole situation I think he WOULDN't have cared and I want him to know its not b/c I didn't want him..it was my fear of telling him. Is that crazy? He is one of the best people I have ever met and I feel lucky to have dated him. I wish I never broke it off with him. I'm leaving it up to the man upstairs. I've only told my two best friends ...but I really have been thinking about telling him. Whaddya think?


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 06:14 PM (CST)
 
23. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #20
 
   Dixie, I'm glad my story helped you. As for this guy...well I wish you had read this 6 months ago. Chances are if you told him he would have accepted the herpes. As for now though...you say he is in a serious relationship, and you are now friends, but you wish you had never broken up. I can't tell you what to do and only you can make that decision but personally I would not want to be the one to break up a relationship. And frankly if someone I really liked broke up with me and waited to tell me they wished they hadn't until I was finally in a new relationship that was going really well...well I would not be too happy with them. I would have wished that they had figured that out and told me before but not to interefere in my life once I'd moved on...do you get what I am saying? If they broke up with their new flame however, and were available...and I wished I never broke up with them and wanted to get back together...well then would be a good time to tell I think, and perhaps you two would have a chance to start over then. Or perhaps there's already too much hurt on his part that's water under the bridge and it's too late. In the meantime perhaps the best thing to do is to keep that faith in love and move on yourself and apply it to your next relationship- and not let your fear break you apart next time.

But who knows. Maybe on the other hand if someone I really liked and was still friends with who had broken up with me because he didn't want to have sex told me he wanted me to know it wasn't because he didn't want to, it wasn't about me, it was that he was afraid I would reject him if I he told me something he would need to tell...and he was sorry he didn't have enough faith in my understanding to at least take that risk and let me decide what I wanted for myself and he wanted me to know there was nothing wrong with me...but that he knows I am in a relationship now and doesn't want to interfere...he just wanted me to know...and he trusted me enough as a friend now to share this thing he was too scared to tell before, well I guess that would feel good.

I don't know what the right answer is for you... Good luck, whatever you decide to do.


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Mare (Guest)
Guest
Jul-10-02, 11:15 AM (CST)
 
22. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   WOW!!
I was so inspired by you.
I was diagnosed with HSV a year ago.I was infected by my partner
which had no idea that he had it. He has been in denial
thru this hole thing. Which has made it worst for me cause he
was my first. I am still going thru a depression and all the
feelings that you describe of how you felt. I feel really dirty and ashamed. I am still with my partner, cause we care about each other. Sex is a problem with me...I can't enjoy it and just the thought of what I went thru just makes me loose any desire.
My doctor never referred me to any counseling which I know I could of used it and still do. Six months ago I didn't want to live anymore. I can say that I have over come feeling that way. But I know I am still depressed and very unhappy. I do try to keep myself very active to not think about it. That is how I deal with it.
I just wanted to let you know your story has been the only thing that I have read that has a positive outlook.
Thanks for sharing it...
Peace


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Beaugirly (Guest)
Guest
Dec-05-02, 10:04 AM (CST)
 
28. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Tears are running down my cheeks now...Because I am the girl that you were then. I am 21 years old, infected at 18 by the very first partner I had, and although looking assured and happy on the outside, feeling not totally happy from the inside.
Because I have the fears that you had...Fearing the most that the person that I really want, wouldn't want to have me because of this. I feel contaminated and "shattered" because my dreams about love are shattered by having this.

Your story gives me hope though..Deep down inside I know that I will meet Mr. Right one day.

Thank you.

Love,

Beau


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Ruby1
Charter Member
28 posts
Dec-05-02, 07:40 PM (CST)
Click to EMail Ruby1 Click to send private message to Ruby1 Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
29. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #28
 
   Ooohhh. I have to reply to this one too because I know how you feel, and I promise it gets better. I had so many problems with guys in my early 20's (late 20's now) and I still do sometimes, but not at all because of herpes. I met someone who was really attracted to me but not really stable, and he was conflicted about it and eventually got over it. Then I met someone who knows me and really cares about me, and when I told him, it didn't matter AT ALL. Not at all. So far so good. There are good guys and bad guys at every age, but you'll be able to tell them apart more quickly over time. Hang in there!! R


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Beaugirly (Guest)
Guest
Dec-06-02, 03:33 AM (CST)
 
30. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #29
 
   Hi Ruby,

Thank you so much! I was somewhat down yesterday, and when you read words like Lisa's and how she was at my age, it's strikingly similar. I must say I have been more down about herpes the last 6 months, because of a not so successful dating thing with someone I was very much in love with. I wrote the enormous posting "rejected because of herpes or what?"
Since that situation I feel more confronted with this condition and did I get more fear for not ending up with the person I would really want. Before that, I was more confident about myself. I never let myself be defined by herpes. The last 6 months I have, and I realise how silly that is. Because it paralized me for a while, and it still sometimes does.
Yesterday was a very down day (like 3 days before my period) and when I read that...oh boy, hugged my pillow like hell and cried like if I was all left alone by everyone. Sometimes it's nice to be dramatic and throw it all out though.

Anyway, today I feel better and I know that there will be someone out there for me who cares about ME...and not so much about this viral skin-infection.

Hugs,

Beau


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Dec-06-02, 09:21 PM (CST)
 
31. "It gets better if you let it"
In response to message #30
 
   I can't promise you won't get hurt. I couldn't do that no matter what your herpes status, we all get hurt in relationships from time to time. The most important thing is to remain open to possibility, not to let the hurts in life build walls around your heart.

When you are feeling down, focus on things that make you feel good. Exercise, eating right, spending time with friends, laughing, hobbies- and the more these things bring you into contact with other people the better. When you are ready to date again, do so. Don't rush into sex on the first or second date. Give the person a chance to know you first. But also try to be brave, and tell when the timing seems right and you are comfortable with the person, before you get physical. And remember that three of four experiential acceptance stat. If not this one, chances are the next will work out...and more immediately- chances are THIS one will be accepting. The relationship might not work out for other reasons...there are a million reasons why relationships don't work out. But remember that while there are people who don't have herpes, there is only ONE youó and to the right guy and many others you will probably encounter on your way to finding him, the chance to be with you will be the most important factor of all.

It's okay to cry into your pillow sometimes, just make sure you aren't wasting the best years of your life hanging out there with your pillow and your tears, when you could be out there living and loving life...and falling in love.

and hey, Beau....((((HUG)))))


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Beaugirly (Guest)
Guest
Dec-10-02, 04:11 AM (CST)
 
32. "RE: It gets better if you let it"
In response to message #31
 
   Hi Lisa,

Thank you so much! These words mean a lot to me.
I know that it's silly to waste valuable years because of this skin-infection that I am hardly bothered by physically. But I just have my ups and downs...Recently a bit more downs than ups, although I know that'll change.
It's already changing...thanks to this forum. On purpose I didn't visit the forums anymore for a while (I was very active on those before), because I didn't want to be confronted with herpes. Now I realise that has been silly as well...Because already I feel much better. And when I read all the stories from all the wonderful people on here, I know how to put HSV into perspective again.

I have allowed myself to be so dramatic about it because of one not so succesful relationship that was ended 2 days after I told "him" about my HSV-status. The reason for the break-up was probably something else (his ex of more than 4 years that he broke up with 2 months before: he's now back with her again) but I still was confused and scared that HSV was the biggest reason. Very stupid and born out of insecurity, but I also felt like I dissapointed him. I was so much in love with him, and he seemed so fond and attracted to me also, that I felt like my condition spoiled his idea of me: I was not so attractive after all. I know it's probably nonsense, and if that would be true, he wouldn't even be worthy of me. But it does hurt when you think that he -a guy that you really really like- might think that of you.
Makes sense?

21 is a wonderful age though...And I am enjoying it, even more now. Dating will probably be somewhat hard at times because I am afraid to let guys come close to me, especially after the thing I have been through this summer. It does make you stronger though, and I appreciate other things in life very much.

Love,

Beau


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dolly haze
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Jun-20-05, 00:52 AM (CST)
 
85. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #28
 
   oh honey, i was just diagnosed a week ago, am still going through some NASTY symptoms (fever, blisters, sore throat, etc...) but I can tell you that in your 20's, you'll meet a lot of guys who are jerks whether you have herpes or not. I know I did-- I'm 31 now. There are many bad things about this disease, but only being able to sleep with people you actuallt trust and care for is a very good thing. You're not dirty. 1 in 5 people has this thing. You'll be okay.


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Mary (Guest)
Guest
Dec-13-02, 06:54 PM (CST)
 
33. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you so much for your words...I just found out today that I probably have herpes (it was too late to test for it definitively because the lesions had healed), and I'm terrified. I've been nauseous all day and I am going through exactly what you described. I'm 23 and I got it from a guy I had a fling with (I feel so stupid about it)...I'm still sick just thinking about how I'm going to ever tell any potential partners (or friends/family, for that matter), but your posting, and others like it, are very encouraging...thank you again.


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Dec-22-02, 07:30 PM (CST)
 
34. "A few words of encouragement..."
In response to message #33
 
   I understand how you are feeling, and I hope you are feeling a little better now. I got herpes in my 20's as well, and when I got this, I didn't have the perspective that I have now. I am glad that my post may have helped you feel a little better...remember that mine is not an unusual case. About 1 in 3 women in their thirties has HSV2, and that's not even counting any of the 40% of new cases of genital herpes that are caused by HSV1.

The hardest thing for me to deal with when I was diagnosed was the feeling that this was a permanent cause for rejection that I could not control. It was difficult for me to concieve how anyone could be okay with this. But a lot of that was my own ignorance, immaturity, and insecurity talking. I also secretly believed at the time that I would never be wholly accepted by a man I wanted becuase I didn't have thin thighs! I understand now that there is a lot more to every person than any one quality, and that your positives count for a lot more than you negatives. People love you because of the qualities you do have, and part of love is accepting the other person's flaws, bad luck, and history of what's happened to them- all the good, the bad, and the indifferent. It's understanding that EVERYTHING that has happened to them has made them the person you love, it's everything in the chain of event in their life that have brought the two of you together at this moment in time.

If you love and accept yourself, including accepting the experiences and things that have happened to you, other people will also be drawn to love you. Herpes is no different than any other little difficulty we may have or have accumulated in life. That scar on your knee, a bad relationship that broke your heart, toenail fungus... And like other difficulties we get through in life, it can have its own gifts and rewards that can outweigh any of the negative...it can make you kinder, more compassionate, more understanding, better at communicating...it all depends on how you deal with it.

This may or may not seem like good news. I remember when I was rejected because of the herpes once (of course I told all wrong...after too briefa time, in the heat of the moment, crying, to a germaphobe....) and was devastated. People told me that how I told could affect the result. That I had to get right back up and try again. That all you have to do is get back up again and do it. That herpes wasn't stopping me, I was. But I felt hurt, and wounded, and too weak...I didn't feel strong enough. I was overwhelmed by my own hurt and catastrophizing and negative thinking and didn't know how to get out. I thought I was somehow different...maybe other people might find hapiness, but that wouldn't happen to me. Now I realize how foolish I was to think I knew what would happen in life. No human knows. Obviously, eventually I gained the perspective I needed. It wasn't easy, but I think it would have been easier if I could have just really believed then it would be possible for me, if I could have glimpsed my future, glimpsed the way I feel about herpes now...that it really is not a major issue in my life.

It isn't what happens to you in life that determines your happiness, it's how you handle it. It isn't what happens to you in life that determines your happiness, it's what you do to create the life you want. This is as true of herpes as of everything else. This doesn't mean dealing with herpes will always be easy, but it DOES mean that YOU are in control of you life and your happiness...not the herpes.

Everyone experiences difficulties in life. If herpes is the most difficult thing that ever happens to you, you will have a particularly easy life. I have had other difficulties since herpes that felt worse. But I have survived those too. And with every painful experience, when you get through the worst of the emotion, you can come out the other side stronger, with more perspective, more depth, more emotional richness than you had before. And when you get through the emotional pain, you can often look back and see a silver lining. Often in ways you would never have expected. If you love and accept yourself, face your fears, do what you love, live with character honesty and dignity- even when it means doing what's difficult rather than what's easy, take action to get what you want, and have faith, there is nothing that will keep you from achieving happiness. Not herpes. Not anything.

Mary, if this is confirmed as herpes, you will still be okay. It might not be easy, but it will still be okay. If I can come to terms with this, anyone can. And coming to terms with it emotionally is the most important factor in how this will or won't affect your life.


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Rajahadmin
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15672 posts
Dec-22-02, 07:55 PM (CST)
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35. "Lisa2 proves, once again, that..."
In response to message #34
 
/herpes/images2/christmas_tree.gifthere are some really intelligent, articulate, caring, and all around neat people who have herpes and who don't let it keep them from enjoying life to the max.

Thanks for taking the time to write that. It is a huge help to the people who are new to this. What a nice holiday gift to give.

Season's Greetings.

Rajah

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Dec-22-02, 10:56 PM (CST)
 
36. "Aw, shucks..."
In response to message #35
 
   Thanks Rajah. It's nothing compared to the time you put into this place, but I like to help people feel better if I can. I figure enough people have pointlessly wasted time in their lives over this little virus as it is...if we can other people some unneccessary grief, then it gives some purpose to what we went through so it wasn't all in vain.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


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Jude (Guest)
Guest
Dec-24-02, 10:32 AM (CST)
 
37. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Yes, yes... let me add my cheers and hugs to you for brightening up my mood as well! I was just diagnosed 5 days ago, and have been really down about this, mostly because it feels like my dating life is over. Your story was like a beacon of light, giving me hope that life and love are still in the making, and that H cannot keep me from being happy. I have some amazingly wonderful friends that have come out in force to help me through this, and while I'm far, far from being ready to jump into another sexual relationship, at least I know that there is hope for the future. I wish you worlds of love and happiness! Thanks for being here.
Bright Blessings to You!
In Love and Light,
~Jude


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Lisa2
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904 posts
Jan-14-03, 01:29 AM (CST)
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40. "Hi Jude"
In response to message #37
 
   Congratulations on being able to see the forest for the trees so early in your diagnosis. That suggests to me that dealing with this will be a lot easier for you than it was for me. It is my experience that as soon as you make having herpes okay within yourself, in your head, in your mind..that it suddenly becomes 100% okay in your external dealings with the world- in potential partner's reactions, even in terms of less symptoms for some people.

Wishing you love (of yourself and of the right person when they come along) and happiness,

Lisa


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pg (Guest)
Guest
Jan-02-03, 01:38 PM (CST)
 
38. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Wowwwwwwwwww. You have just totally blessed and encouraged me. What a wonderful message. May God bless you!


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Steph (Guest)
Guest
Jan-03-03, 10:12 PM (CST)
 
39. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   This was one of the greatest gifts I could have read at this time in my life. Thanks so much for sharing.

God Bless!


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fil (Guest)
Guest
Jan-15-03, 04:36 PM (CST)
 
41. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #39
 
   I found out that I have herpes a week ago. I just read your story and I too feel better, but I still have so many questions and I have no one to talk to about them. I feel some what stupid for feeling that my biggest loss is not going to be able to get a blow job with out a condom ever again. I think that worrying about the sex is selfish and that I need to think about other things, but I guess that is the only thing to worry about. Herpes wonít affect any other part of my life right?

I donít want to put anyone at risk, but goddamn I love oral sex. I donít want to be without it, but how can I ever feel safe again?

I am a man (obviously) and I am 30. I donít think that I carried the virus, until I had unprotected sex with a woman this fall. It was a one night stand with a friend of mine and we are still friend though we decided not to date. I just sent her an email telling her about my diagnosis.

I feel lame.

fil


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jan-15-03, 05:27 PM (CST)
 
42. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #41
 
   I love oral sex too, and worried about that when I was first diagnosed. But think about it- why do you really think you can't ever have a blow job without a condom ever again? Do people with oral herpes (70% of the population) never kiss without a dental dam, or perform oral sex? I have herpes, explain the potential risks, and none of my partners has had the slightest hesitation about going down on me and in fact have been quite enthusiastic about it, and no they don't want to use saran wrap or a dental dam. I also have never considered not kissing a boyfriend or putting saran wrap over his mouth before I kiss him because he had oral HSV1 as a kid or gets a cold sore on occassion, or used a condom when going down on a boyfriend with genital HSV1 or genital HSV2. Not when they have symptoms of course, but at other times...well it's a small risk and hardly anyone avoids getting one kind or another herpes before they die anyway...better to enjoy life and sex and accept the potential risk of acquiring a little skin irritation now and then.

If your partner has oral HSV1 (more people than not have this, a blood test will tell- most people don't have any symptoms), the chances are close to nil that they will get oral HSV2 from you in the absence of an OB anyway. If they don't, HSV2 does not tend to recur often in the oral area anyway.


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adam (Guest)
Guest
Feb-10-03, 09:29 AM (CST)
 
43. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Adam and I have tried this again even after the cheating and him contracting herpes. He is a changed person and understands what has happened and is very very sorry. My concern with taking him back is can we ever have oral sex again and how do I get pregnant? Poking holes in condoms comes to mind what would you suggest?? Andrea


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msmom
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3141 posts
Feb-11-03, 10:00 AM (CST)
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44. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #43
 
   Hi, Adam and Andrea!

You might get more response to this if you posted it on the "Pregnacy and Herpes" forum, or maybe on "Support".

As for your questions, if he has genital herpes and you don't have herpes at all, he can go down on you with no risk. There is some risk involved in you going down on him, but exactly how much depends on what type of herpes he has and whether you have any of the herpes viruses yourself.

Most couples where one person has herpes get pregnant the normal way - they just avoid sex when there are any kind of symptoms. You two have to decide what's best for you. I WOULD recommend waiting until you are sure the relationship has "recovered" from the cheating incident - a baby is a lifelong committment, not a quick fix for a relationship that's hurting.

Best of luck to you,
M'sMom


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lisa as well (Guest)
Guest
Mar-19-03, 03:07 PM (CST)
 
45. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I don't seem to be able to get out of the depression. I thought I had met the man of my dreams, my soul mate. We were made from the same mold. The first time i got an outbreak I was told it was a staff infection. I have since learned its Herpes2. Anyways getting back to my boyfriend when I told him, he told me he couldn't deal with it and ended our relationship. i had waited 15 yrs to meet him and I'm now I'm single due to herpes. I keep thinking of how happy we could have been. I don't even want to wait a year to find someone and I truly believe I will be waiting forever or have to settle for less. Its funny because my ex-boyfriend told me he hadn't felt like this in 20 yrs when he met me and yet was willing to end it. Can you imagine when I meet other men how I will be treated.
Like a leper.


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msmom
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Mar-19-03, 10:27 PM (CST)
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46. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #45
 
   Hey, Lisa.

I'm really, really sorry your Prince Charming turned out to be a turd.

Please don't assume that you're "single due to herpes" - if he upped and left because of a stinky little virus, it wasn't a match made in heaven anyway. When you meet a man who truly loves you and wants to be with you, he won't blink an eye about herpes. In fact, a lot of guys who just like you and want to shag you won't either.

I know you feel awful right now, and I'm so sorry that you're sad, but there IS hope. Check out LaPetite, Angela, Angie Bug, Rajah.... there are any number of folks here who found love AFTER herpes.

Hugs and hang in there.

M'sMom


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Lisa2 (Guest)
Guest
Jun-13-03, 02:19 AM (CST)
 
50. "You deserve better"
In response to message #45
 
   Hi Lisa

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down in the dumps. It sucks. Been there done that bought the T-shirt, I have herpes my life is over no one will want me sob sob sob...it really hurts. The pain is real. However, much of that is self-inflicted. I am not saying this to blame you, but to give you a sense of control over something you feel you can't control. Perspective makes a world of difference, but it is hard to find when you are in the thick of it, and recently rejected. I am hoping I can help you find it.

Think a minute. I'm sorry, but am I missing something here? It sounds like your ex may very well be the one who gave this to you, and he doesn't want to admit either that he has it, or deal with the guilt of giving it to you...whether he realized he had it or not...or maybe had symptoms he "conveniently" ignored as something else, which in retrospect... do you understand what I am getting at?

If that is not the case, and you had this prior to your BF, think again. If he can't deal with a skin condition that 1/3 of women between the ages of 25 and 35 have, what COULD he deal with? Building a life with someone has its ups and downs. A serious lifetime relationship WILL put two people through a lot of trauma together. Life is not always peaches and cream. What would happen if you got pregnant, and he decided, "He couldn't deal with it". What if you got married and had kids and he discovered that 3 am feedings were stressful and hard, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if you got breast cancer, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if you both fall on hard times financially, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if your kid grows to be a teenager, and starts acting out bigtime, and "He couldn't deal with it". What if the responsibilities of a house and kids just get to be too much for him, and "He couldn't deal with it". If he can't deal with something as minor as herpes, how could he ever deal with the difficulties of married life, of kids, of any difficulties than can and will inevitable come your way, as they do for everyone in this world?

There is a part of you that loves you unconditionally and wants, and only wants to accept, is only willing to accept, the best for you. This is not about outward things. It is about being treated well, loved well, creating a life where you respect yourself and are respected by those you love. It is the part of you that recognizes you for the special, loving, kind, beautiful miracle that you are, that deserves all the happiness this world has to offer. This is the mother within yourself, and you need to find her now.

I think if you ask her, she would tell you that this man did not deserve you. She would not just be saying it to make you feel better. She would really mean it. She would say it with anger at his shallowness and fire in her heart. And she would be thankful that you were saved from this man, before you got deeper into a relationship that was destined to cause you pain. This is the part of yourself you need to get in touch with now.

And somewhere inside you, there is the voice of faith. There is a trust that if you live your life as a good person, and do the right thing, and do your part to make the best life for yourself...that everything will work out for the best, that everything happens for a reason. And one day you will look back on this moment from the peak of happiness you will come to from the path that this event, and the rest of your life takes you, and realize that everything does happen for a reason, and were it not for crossing the valleys you could have never reached the top of the mountain.

The most important person you will ever fall in love with in this life is yourself. Because until you do that, you can never truly love another.

It is not important that you find someone else to love right now. It is important that you love yourself. That your treat yourself with kindness and respect. That you recognize your self worth, and value all the wonderful qualities you have to offer. That you realize you deserve to be loved, to be treated well, by someone you love, and respect, and admire. And that any man deserving of your love will feel feel grateful for it, whether you gain ten pounds, whether you have a bad day, whether you get creases by your eyes when you smile, and yes, whether you have herpes. Because none of that will matter, compared to the miracle of finding and loving you, and being loved in return.

Don't worry about someone loving you. Work on treating yourself with love. Think of that mother inside you who loves you, and recognizes how precious you are. If someone said the things to you that you are saying to yourself, that no one will love you, that you are untouchable...mother bear would be furious at them, would want to lash out at the one who was abusing her daughter so. So don't abuse yourself with those kind of negative thoughts. When you start to think them, ask yourself what the mother inside you would think if someone said such things to you. Imagine what she would say, what she would think of such hurtful and untrue statements. Put yourself in her shoes, and tell yourself what she would say. Talk back to the negative thoughts until you banish them from your mind. Then do something nice for yourself, something you can be proud of. Run a mile. Write a poem. Learn to cook a perfect Bearnaise. Or just take a bubble bath with candles and music. Do at least one nice thing for yourself every day, at least one thing that brings you joy, at least one thing that expands your world (taking a class, reading a book on archaelogy, seeing a foreign movie) and at least one thing you can be proud of- whether it is swimming ten extra laps or applying for a better job or volunteering in a soup kitchen or slipping a quarter into someone's meter so they don't get a ticket, and at least one social act (seeing a friend, going to a party, writing an email, calling your mother). Practice love, to yourself, for yourself, and towards the world. When you do these things, your life becomes fuller, richer and more rewarding. You will radiate joy, and happiness. You will be interesting to others and interested in life. And when your life is so full and rewarding that you are getting by just fine without someone, you will find that people- freinds and lovers- will be drawn to love you, to enter your world. And nothing, not herpes, not anything, will stand in your way.


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gcc
Guest
Jan-17-05, 01:09 AM (CST)
 
76. "RE: You deserve better"
In response to message #50
 
   I just told a guy for the first time that I have HSV and he said that helped him "solidify" his decision to not get into a relationship. I was pretty upset but I read happiness after herpes and then your e-mail made me cry with the love and support that radiated out. While everything you say is true, it really helps to read it sometimes to remind me. Thank you so much for writing that!


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danny5 (Guest)
Guest
May-09-03, 06:52 PM (CST)
 
47. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Hi, your story was helpful. im wondering if i can reach
you by email so i can ask you some more questions about you
and how they can relate to me?...not every question is
found on herpe websites and i would appreciate your insight
because it seems you've made it and you can shine a lil bit
of light this way. my email is notorious05_2000@yahoo.com
hope to hear from you soon =)


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Lisa2
Charter Member
904 posts
Jun-13-03, 01:00 PM (CST)
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51. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #47
 
   Hi Danny I logged in so you can email to my Racoon mailbox, I think that feature is still enabled.


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palmtree
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5 posts
May-12-03, 11:13 PM (CST)
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48. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you for encouragement message.
I cried when I read your message. This fear really can control us,can't it? I am glad that I checked this site.
ALso just reading your story, I am also glad that I have a boyfriend who is willing to go through this tough time wiht me.

One again, thank you....., Lisa2


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Workout12 (Guest)
Guest
May-20-03, 09:47 AM (CST)
 
49. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I really needed to read that Lisa2, especially after finding out recently that the guy I care for considers getting involved with me a "risk" and doesn't care to pursue a relationship with me. It is very hard to take. Your story gave me encouragement. Thank you.


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katied (Guest)
Guest
Jul-23-03, 09:41 PM (CST)
 
52. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you for sharing your wonderful success story. I feel much like you described yourself in the beginning - like I will be rejected by all future prospects.

Thank you very much!


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TWTCH (Guest)
Guest
Jul-29-03, 02:07 PM (CST)
 
53. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you so much for your post. When I was diagnosed 5 months ago, it seemed like most of the people I was connected with who had it either tried to convince me that it was no big deal or they told me that it was still something they struggled with on a daily basis. In other words, people either seemed to not have been too upset or they'd never really gotten over it. I was despondent when I first found out. I needed to hear from someone who understood that kind of despair but who'd managed to overcome the depression and find happiness and joy equal to what they'd known before. Your post was exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear: understanding of what I've been feeling, but real hope and inspiration that things could and would get better. Without that hope, life has scarcely felt worth living to me. I realize this is a process and that it will take time, but your example is an incredible inspiration from me. I've heard people say that what defines you isn't what happens to you in life as much as how you respond to what happens to you. That always felt like a hollow feelgood-ism, but I'm starting to realize the wisdom in that. When you have the strength and courage to love, honor, and accept yourself no matter what, that's where real happiness and peace of mind come from. It sucks to have to be tested that way sometimes, but if you can accept the challenge, you can find self-esteem and self-love greater than you've ever known. Thank you for helping to make this point. I'm grateful for your post.


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Lisa2
Guest
Sep-12-03, 06:01 PM (CST)
 
56. "Glad my story helped you"
In response to message #53
 
   I haven't been around the forums much lately, busy living my life, ya know...there will come a time when you are to busy being happy to think dwell on herpes as well Good luck in your process....may you come out the other side a stronger, wiser, and yes...happier person. Your post indicates to me that you are fully capable of all that and more.


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Yoshi2me
Charter Member
Sep-12-03, 10:50 PM (CST)
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58. "RE:"
In response to message #56
 
   Lisa2~
You have a very good story!
Would you be willing to share it on this web page?
http://members.cox.net/yoshi2me/Stories/Stories.htm
You can reach me at: yoshi2me@cox.net
I would love to put your story out there and if you are feeling brave enough to share a photo that would be AWESOME, too!
What do you think?
~Angela


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Brand new to herpes
Guest
Aug-12-06, 10:09 AM (CST)
 
123. "RE: Glad my story helped you"
In response to message #56
 
   I just found out as of this past Thursday I have herpes II. I have always been very careful though out my single life to act responsibly and get tested prior to allowing a relationship to move to this level. My last relationship was a long term relationship which ended because I found out he was cheating on me...not with one individual but several. I have since met a wonderful man and we have been together for 3 months and were being responsible and make sure we both were okay. Well this brings everyone up to the current situation. Last Thursday I recieved my test results and I tested positive for Herpes II. I had to tell my new boyfriend and although he held me during our disscussion Thursday night, he sent me an email today, Saturday saying he is struggling with the news. I am devastated although I sent him an email back stating I would respect his decision which ever way he decides.


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Aug-12-06, 11:15 AM (CST)
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124. "RE: Glad my story helped you"
In response to message #123
 
Its easy for a post to get lost in this big thread, so maybe you could start your own.

Has he been tested? How do you know you didn't get it from him?

Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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Ann (Guest)
Guest
Aug-04-03, 04:50 PM (CST)
 
54. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I was very glad reading your story. I am now in the position where my boyfriend and I are contemplating marriage. I had been honest with him from the beginning and at first, he was fine. Then I had an outbreak and while he was calm and fine for a while. Since then we hadn't had sex. This past weekend we talked and since we have been talking marriage now - this is something that is coming to mind. He says that everything else is perfect, he is attracted to me, he loves me....It is just that his brain is trying to think into the future. I have told him the stats and my outbreaks are maybe once a year or every year and a half. He had said to me that he thinks that he is probably making a bigger deal out of this and at this point I am of the frame of mind that there is nothing else I can say. We are not breaking up while he is thinking about this, but I guess, I am wondering if you or your husband has any words of wisdom...I love this man and I do want to marry him. I know that he loves me and I am hoping that that is enough...


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Lisa2
Guest
Sep-12-03, 06:18 PM (CST)
 
57. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #54
 
   The man in my post is not my husband actually, it did not work out for us, not herpes related at all, and no, he didn't get herpes, even though we didn't use condoms and had sex post-breakup off and on in the weaning stage when I was not on suppressives. We are still freinds.

As for your man, herpes is everywhere, between 1and 4 and 1 in 3 women have genital herpes, and you can get genital herpes from oral sex from more than half the population. You can reduce the chances he will contract it from you, because you know you have it and know what to watch for, and can take suppressives. Depending on your case, and the precautions you decide to take and how well you recognize your symptoms, it may be likely that after a 50 year marriage, he will not have contracted the virus. If he does, studies inicate early antiviral treatment may make the symptoms barely noticeable or non-recurring for most people. I took acyclovir early and have had 2 obs in...what is it now, 9 years? Yes a small minority of people have bad problems ith it but new treatments are coming out everyday, a small percentage of planes crash too, and we still get on planes, don't we?

The point is, it is far from a certainty he would get it from you, he could esily get it from someone else, and the main point is, even if he does get it, what do you think he would regret more on his deathbed 50 years from now..

"Damn, I wish I hadn't married my wonderful wife and had a great loving family, because I got on occassional itch on my pecker."

or,

" I wish I hadn't let my true soulmate get away over something as insignificant as an occassional rash".

When you marry someone, you accept them for better or for worse. If a common skin virus is a dealbreaker for him, he obviously doesn't have the strength of character and dependsablity and steadfastness any wife deserves. Give him the time he needs to think things through. I suspect than when he thinks it through, he'll realize that love is much harder to find than herpes...and more important, in terms of happiness.


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joanna
Charter Member
703 posts
Aug-05-03, 10:52 AM (CST)
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55. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
thanks for the post, really! it was great and i printed it out yesterday to give to my man, whom i just told yesterday as well. i am curious to see how he feels when he reads it. i think it will be very helpful to him, as it was to me, and obviously so many others!

thank you....
joanna


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Lisa2
Guest
Dec-05-03, 00:17 AM (CST)
 
59. "Glad to have helped, Joanna"
In response to message #55
 
   Hope all went well with you and your man.

I don't come here much anymore. Probably because I haven't been thinking about herpes lately, it just isn't on my radar these days. Perhaps that. knowing a day will come when you don't think about herpes at all, is the greatest success story of all.


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
Dec-05-03, 08:57 AM (CST)
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60. "Lisa2!!!"
In response to message #59
 
So glad that you dropped by to let us know that everything is going so well. Don't be such a stranger..

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Lisa2
Guest
Feb-12-04, 01:31 PM (CST)
 
65. "Hi Rajah!"
In response to message #60
 
   I'll try to drop in now and then, life is busy these days. Hope all is well with you too!


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blizzard
Member since Dec-13-03
1 posts
Dec-13-03, 08:09 PM (CST)
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61. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   What a great motivational letter!!! Thank you so much!!!!

friends


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flowerchild
Guest
Dec-13-03, 10:41 PM (CST)
 
62. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   My God, I thought I was reading MY story when I read this. I was in tears reading your story. And you are so right, when someone truly loves you, nothing else matters. I have had HSV for 14 months. I went through the same feelings of worthlessness and depression that you did. I finally snapped out of it after about 4 months. 6 months ago, I began a relationship with someone I have known for 5 years. We had been coworkers the entire time, and he proceeded to pursue me not too long after I was diagnosed (of course HE didn't know of the diagnoses at the time). I finally decided to "take the plunge" and go out with him. When I finally felt the need to tell him, he just said, "I don't care...I am in love with you, and I wouldn't care if you had AIDS; I will never leave your side as long as you will have me." I was in tears from releaf and joy. I think I have truly found my soulmate. And I honestly think that having this "ailment" (which is nothing but a mild inconvenience for me) helped to me really find someone who did love me. I am new to this website, since I just got online, so I will continue to read more success stories. Thank you so much for your story and God bless you!


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honey
Guest
Jan-03-04, 03:33 PM (CST)
 
63. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #62
 
   Its so good to hear such positive outcomes, after diagnosis of this virus! Ive still yet to be diagnosed with H, but im 99% sure that it is there! The only thought on my mind for the past two months has been that 'Im gonna be on my own forever', its irrational, but its an inner fear that I suppose we all have! I hope that some day, I will have the same happy, confident and positive outlook on life! If only for the sake of my sanity!


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:-)
Guest
Sep-22-04, 02:45 AM (CST)
 
70. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #63
 
   IVE ONLY JUST TURNED 17 AND HAVE ONLY EVER HAD SEX WITH ONE PERSON, MY BOYFRIEND WHO IVE BEEN WITH NOW FOR NEARLY 2 YEARS.

We had sex without a condom for the first time last week and now ive been diagnosed with Herpes. It seems so unfair.
Im only so young and although my boyf is great and has always been loyal to me, he is so immature and when something like this happens he always choses to ignore it and pretend everythings great. I understand thats his way of dealing with it but i feel like i need someone to talk to.

I know i should be grateful for all i have, because there are alot of people out there worse off than me but i am only so young and i have so many worries about my future right now.
I dont have alot of information about Herpes and was hoping someone could bring me out of the dark a bit plz.


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thankful
Guest
Jan-09-04, 12:53 PM (CST)
 
64. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Lisa2,

If you are still out there....I would like to thank you for writing such an amazing letter. You are so honest and articulate. That letter had a great effect on me. I have read it over an over. It does provide a refreshing (positive) outlook to the whole situation.

aopler@hotmail.com


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Lisa2
Guest
Feb-12-04, 01:34 PM (CST)
 
66. "Glad to hear it"
In response to message #64
 
   yes, I'm still out here

now you get out there and start living again, 'k?

Life is too beautiful to waste it having pity parties for yourself

They aren't a lot of fun and it's lonely


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lisa33
Guest
Mar-10-04, 07:00 PM (CST)
 
67. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   You have made me feel better. I was dx 3 years ago after my 1st husband cheated on me. I had a mild 1st outbreak and have never had another one since. I am now remarried to a wonderful man, he knows but doesnt seem to bother him. We have been together 2 years and have always had unprotected sex. He has never had any indication of the virus. But lately I have really been concerned about shedding. Since I have never had a recurrence my doctor doesnt feel that suppressive therapy is for me and he feels that the likelyhood of transmitting it my husband through shedding is unlikely. But i still cant help but worrying. My husband says if he isnt worried then i shouldnt be and if this is the worst thing we have to go through then we are lucky.
Another concern I have is that we are trying to get pregnant and i have heard that women will get more recurrences during pregnancy. So i am afraid i may pass it on the him during that time. I guess i am just worrying too much.


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Lisa2
Guest
Mar-15-04, 03:18 PM (CST)
 
68. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #67
 
   Glad you are doing well.

Shedding is linked to OB's. More Ob's/symptoms=more shedding, and the reverse is also true. What my doctor told me is that if I am not having Ob's, chances are I am not shedding either. When I first started having unprotected sex with the partner in my story above, I did have two OB's soon before we had sex. She did prescribe low-dose antivirals for me which I took suppressively, for a couple of years. They gave me more comfort with agreeing to my partner's wish to stop using condoms. I haven't taken the suppressives for several years, have not had an ob for about 5 years, and have not passed it on as far as I know, had a scare once but it turned out to be something else.

The exception to the lack of ob's/symptoms=no/minimal shedding equation is when someone actually is having mild OB's and symptoms but does not recognize them as herpes.


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ddd
Guest
Oct-26-04, 08:04 PM (CST)
 
72. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #68
 
   Lisa2,
I don't know if you'll read it, but THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. You've put my mind at ease.. Finally..


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No one left to love
Guest
Jul-14-05, 01:58 PM (CST)
 
88. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #68
 
   I just wanted to see what kind of diet your on and what you have done to help supress these OB's. if you could get back to me I would forever be in your debt


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january121
Guest
Dec-06-04, 04:52 AM (CST)
 
73. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   >This is something I wrote awhile ago. I have been asked to
>repost it here. Hope it helps
>
>
> I don't know about you, but when I was diagnosed with
>herpes, I thought my chances for ever being truly happy
>again were pretty much shot. I thought my sex life would
>never be the same again, if I ever even had sex again at
>all. I felt I would always feel dirty and contaminated. I
>was depressed by the thought of never having condom-free sex
>or barrier free oral sex again, and what about having kids?
>I worried that fear of transmission would
>ruin sex for me and my partner. I thought no one I really
>wanted would want me with this. I was afraid I would never
>again experience love, that I would never get married, never
>have kids- and if I did, I would be with someone I felt I
>had to settle for because no one else would take me, someone
>I didn't really love or want or desire. I was scared and
>depressed by the thought that the rest of my life would be
>lonely and unfulfilled, and that I would die alone. I
>thought my dreams were doomed. I felt if there was any
>chance at happiness, it would come from the OUTSIDE- a
>vaccine, a miracle drug, an apologetic call from the
>hospital saying it was all a big mistake...
>
> What I never dreamed then was that I could and would
>have all the happiness that I thought herpes had stolen from
>me, and more- once I found strength on the INSIDE.
>
> Looking back now, it saddens me to think of all the
>time I wasted being unhappy over this. Either not dating, or
>ending relationships before they got sexual because I was
>afraid to tell
>and face rejection. And all the time not realizing that the
>thing that was keeping me alone was not herpes, but ME- and
>my own fear.
>
> I have a lot of sympathy for the person I was then, I'd
>like to hug her and show her the wonderful future that was
>waiting there the whole time, waiting for her to just open
>the door and let someone in again. I know she would have
>felt much better if I could just show her her future, that
>it would be filled with love and sex and all the things she
>dreamed of, that herpes really would not be an issue for her
>or her partner, even though he didn't have herpes. That sex
>could and would be wonderful and uninhibited and
>condom-free, that she wouldn't feel dirty or contaminated.
>That this happiness did not require anything from the
>outside, not finding out that the diagnosis was a big
>mistake, not a vaccine, not some new miracle drug- but just
>two people falling in love, like it happens all the time,
>being honest
>with one another and loving eachother even more for that
>honesty. I can't go back in time and tell her these things,
>but I can tell you. And maybe that wasted time will not be
>so wasted if my story can save someone else an hour, a day,
>a month, or years of wasted time due to a herpes diagnosis.
>
> Finding happiness again, for me, didn't come all at
>once. It started with just really living in other areas of
>life. Doing the things I wanted to do. Taking care of
>myself. Working out. Pursuing my own unique interests.
>Keeping work exciting and enjoyable. Valuing myself and my
>life again for everything it was.
>
> And after doing this for awhile, life was pretty good
>again. But I still hadn't met that person I wanted to spend
>the rest of my life with.
>
> I remember one night I was reflecting on my life, and
>finally decided I really wanted to find love, someone I
>could love forever. I am not a religious person, though I am
>a spiritual person. Depending on the philosophy you have,
>you could say I prayed, sent a wish to the universe, or
>formulated an intention. I asked for someone to love
>completely, who would love me for everything I am. I
>resolved to try. I realized though, that the workoholic,
>sheltered lifestyle I led made it almost impossible for that
>person to find me. So I wrote up a description of myself
>that really reflected who I was, and a description of who I
>ideally wanted. And then I sent that message out into the
>universe. Yes, I posted an Internet personals ad. To my
>surprise, my wish list was answered by many but most
>importantly, by the man I would come to love. He was
>everything I ever dreamed of-and more that I hadn't dared to
>hope for. The fear almost ruined it for me again,
>unfortunately. Fear of rejection, fear of telling. I put off
>sex until he had started to come to the conclusion that deep
>down, I really just didn't want him as a lover. And so
>finally, when it seemed I would lose him and therefore had
>nothing to lose- I told. I realized in that moment before I
>told how cowardly I
>had been, and how faithless.
>
> Funny, how the revelation I thought would ruin my
>chances at love was the thing that saved it. When I told
>him, he was relieved and happy. Not because he had it too.
>He didn't. But because it was something we could deal with
>together, it wasn't that I didn't want him, it wasjust a
>small thing that had no chance of ruining something as great
>as we had found with eachother.
>
> From then on, things just fell into place. We talked a
>lot. I made him read though a lot of information. And waited
>a good ten days or so after the OB I had gotten, likely from
>the stress at the prospect of losing him, or of telling. And
>with great anticipation, after a lot of very sexy emails
>about what I though was and wasn't "safe" to do in bed, we
>consummated our relationship. It was, without a doubt, the
>single most incredible sexual experience I had ever had in
>my life. Oh what a difference real love makes.
>
> At first I insisted on condoms and spermicide. However
>they were proving ineffective for us as birth control, and
>irritating to him. I thought I was protecting him with all
>of my precautions. One night when I was worrying, he turned
>to me and said he almost wished he would just get herpes now
>so I would stop worrying and we could enjoy ourselves.
>
> I realized then that what I was doing in trying to
>protect him was more even hurtful in another way. We talked
>with my doctor, and decided to stop using the condoms, and I
>went on the Pill. While he was okay with the risk, I wanted
>to do anything I could to protect him that wouldn't
>interfere with our enjoyment of one another, so I went on
>suppressive therapy. Though I didn't get frequent OB's,
>studies show that this can reduce asymptomatic shedding by
>95%. Given that the female to male risk of transmission is
>only 4.5% if you simply avoid sex during outbreaks and
>prodrome, I figured that gave us pretty great odds of not
>transmitting. So far, so good. Life is good. Love is great.
>Sex is wonderful, and he has shown no symptoms of
>contracting H. We have a great life together. And herpes is
>not an issue in our relationship, or our sex life.
>
> Sometimes I wonder if it weren't for the herpes, if I
>would be as happy as I am today. If the growth,
>understanding, and acceptance I experienced have made it
>possible for me to be as happy as I am today. If the
>up-front communication and problem solving this helped us
>learn hasn't made this my best relationship ever. If the
>"proof" of my honesty and character demonstrated by my
>telling didn't open him up- to love and trust in a way he
>couldn't otherwise. Or if being accepted with the herpes
>hasn't freed me in some way I couldn't have before to love
>more truly, more deeply, and more completely than I could
>have before herpes.
>
> It isn't possible to know what "might have been" if I
>had never contracted herpes. I do suspect that some, if not
>all, of the above positive contributions to my life now are
>true. I do know that today, if I were given the opportunity
>to go back in time to the moment I got this and take it
>back, I wouldn't do so. I wouldn't risk changing the course
>of events to the life I have now.
>
> If you had told me five years ago that I would turn
>down the opportunity to go back in time and undo the moment
>I got herpes, I would never have believed it. I would in
>fact not have believed that I could be as happy as I am now.
>It's only now that I realize that negative belief is exactly
>what was keeping me from happiness in the first place. It
>wasn't herpes that was the problem. It was my own fear. The
>stats on this board run about 3 of 4 telling experiences
>going well, relationships that continue and are not broken
>up by the herpes issue. Relationships can and will break up
>for other reasons of course. Herpes is a small one compared
>to all the others. One thing that is true however- you can't
>win if you don't try. If you don't give yourself the chance
>to love, the best you can hope for is 0 of 0. I'll take 3 of
>4 over that any day.
>
> I don't know you and I don't know your whole story. I
>hope though, that if you see yourself doing the things I
>did, thinking the way I did, and making the mistakes I did,
>that you can learn from my mistakes. That you will be
>smarter than me, and stronger than me, and have more faith
>in yourself and the power of love than I did. That you will
>not waste the time I did making myself unhappy for no good
>reason.
>
> Herpes is, in the end, an itty bitty little skin virus
>that biggest problem most of us have with it is the
>emotional aspect, which is almost entirely about our own
>fear.
>
> There IS happiness after herpes. Like anything else
>worthwhile in life, it involves taking some risk. Most of
>the time, the only thing stopping you from getting what you
>really want is you.


thank you so much for posting you stoy lisa... it was the most beautiful thing that i have read in a long time. and im sure that it has touch many people. i myself just found out. and all the shame and fears is present. but by reading your story did help me im not sure how im going to feel tomorrow but, i know it well take time. but now i know there can be happines after herpes.


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struggling
Guest
Jan-05-05, 08:36 AM (CST)
 
74. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I have not yet been diagnosed but am 99% positive that what I have is herpes. While I can imagine fates worse than mine, I am crushed, devastaetd, angry and on the verge of total hopelessness, that is until I read your story. I have only known/suspected for about 4 days but I have cried more tears in these last 4 days than I have in my entire life combined. All sorts of thoughts have run through my head. From thoughts of utter dispair, hopelessness and, I even hate to admit, occassional suicide to new prespectives about what and who is important in life. At times I am optimistic and make promises to myself that I will make something positive out of this experience. Other times I just sob uncontrolably for the future I have lost. For the husband I will never marry and the kids I will never have. I envision myself as the lonely, old lady on the hill who dies alone. Your story and this board are probably the best things to happen to me. I had to stop five times while reading your story because the tears blurred my vision so much that I couldn't read. While I am still ridden with dispair and sadness, the twinges of hope that I get from reading your story and others gives me the strength I need to face this day and to fathom facing tomorrow. Thank you, for right now that is the greatest gift I could receive.


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
Jan-05-05, 04:17 PM (CST)
Click to EMail Rajah Click to send private message to Rajah Click to view user profileClick to add this user to your buddy list  
75. "I'm glad we're helping.."
In response to message #74
 
Most of us have been right where you are. It gets better as time goes by. Don't feel you will never marry as there are lots of accepting people out there that realize that true love is a lot more important than a little virus.

Please let us know how we can help.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Lisa2
Guest
May-24-05, 04:54 PM (CST)
 
82. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #74
 
   Hi Struggling

Not sure if you are still on the boards but if my story means anything it is this:

Herpes CANNOT stop you from having all the things you want- a husband, kids, great sex, everything.

You, on the other can hand, CAN stop you from having those thingsó by not dating, by running away from potential relationships, by not telling before sex and screwing up trust in relationships, by living in fear.

Herpes is not in control of your life. You are. Work on creating the life you want, work on taking care of you and the way you feel about yourself. I think herpes can bring a lot of insecurities to the surface. If you had underlying feelings that you are not really worthy of love or somehow not desireable, herpes will hit you like a ten ton truck emotionally, because then you may really feel like no one will want you.

If you feel like you have a lot going for you, you are good person with lots of love and good qualities to offer, desireable and worthy of love, then herpes will be much easier to deal with emotionally.

Basically, you "just" (in quotes because this is a challenge for many people herpes or no) need to get yourself into a place where you appreciate yourself, are confident that you have a lot to offer, and herpes is just one thing that has happened to you that doesn't change the innate desireability and worthiness of you as a person and as a partner.

Getting to that place is a process but if you focus on the positive and building the life you want and working towards making that happen, these things will help you along. You may also find that when you take the risk of dating a telling and are accepted with herpes, it helps your overall feelings of self-worth and desireability, even things that have nothing to do with herpes.

Remember Stuggling---you have not lost your future. Herpes has not limited your potential for happiness or love. Everything you want in this life is possible for you, and there will come a time when you look back at this time in your life when you felt this way, and wish you could have saved yourself the pain, because you will know then that those feelings of hoplessness and the idea that your future is ruined are just simply not true. That's why I wrote my original post...I hope you can spare yourself some wasted time, and get on with creating the life you really want. It's waiting for you.


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Rajahadmin
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15672 posts
May-24-05, 08:26 PM (CST)
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83. "Lisa2!!!! OMG!!"
In response to message #82
 
It's really so good to see you and your wonderful attitude here again. I think this thread has set some sort of record for longevity and deservedly so. Let your old friends know what's going on in your life.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Lisa2
Guest
May-26-05, 11:18 AM (CST)
 
84. "Hi Rajah"
In response to message #83
 
   Thanks for the warm re-welcome. Life is fine, I guess I stopped by again because I may have another telling coming up soon, and wanted to catch up on the latest info.


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Diamondgirl
Guest
Mar-26-05, 01:06 PM (CST)
 
77. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   "Herpes is small in relations to other problems"...I disagree here.


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Rajahadmin
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15672 posts
Mar-28-05, 02:13 PM (CST)
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78. "Care to discuss?"
In response to message #77
 
A lot of us here have a different outlook and maybe we can help make it a bit less formitable. What's your story?

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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T
Guest
Jul-31-05, 10:57 AM (CST)
 
90. "RE: Care to discuss?"
In response to message #78
 
   Hi Rajah - not sure if you're visiting this board regularly but at this moment, I'm feeling pretty similar to Diamondgirl in the fact that my boyfriend and best friend just broke up with me because he couldn't handle the fact that I'd been recently diagnosed with herpes. He was also tested and does not have it.

His feeling is that since there's no 100% guarantee that he won't contract it from me, that he can't take that risk (he loves me deeply as I do him and we have no other barring issues). So I do feel like this disease has at least ruined the best relationship I've ever had. I know life will go on but nothing will change this fact.

I do appreciate having this forum available though. I didn't realize how much support was available and intend to take advantage of it in order to get through this healing process. I did post another message under the name Hurt but Hopeful that gives a little more detail about my situation. If you happen to return and would like to share some inspiring thoughts, I'm sure there's a lot of people that would appreciate it. Thanks.


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Ready T. Live
Guest
Mar-28-05, 05:21 PM (CST)
 
79. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I want to thank you for sharing your story. I was diagnosed with genital herpes three years ago and I went through many different emotions (still am going through some from OB to OB). I am single, but have been wanting to be in a loving and trustworthy relationship. I am thirty and deserving of love. There are men out there who will respect us for being honest and willing to love. Maturity is out there, but I have learned that it is up to me to allow it to find me!
Thank you and I wish you all the best!
JM : )


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KS
Guest
May-05-05, 10:55 PM (CST)
 
80. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you for your very inspiring story! I was just diagnosed with GH and it has been really hard emotionally on me. I have been reading up on the internet about what to expect etc. but nothing compairs to reading your story. I feel like I can actually look forward to the future now and your story was truly from the heart!!
Thank You!

KS


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"makayla"
Guest
Jun-28-05, 05:53 PM (CST)
 
86. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   oh my god! that was exactly how i was, tears are justing fallin down my face, i cant believe this, if my mom would read this she would say i wrote it!
i did have a love of mylife, for 3yrs and he neva, thank god, had contacted it...but we broke up for other reasons. i actually stayed w/ him longer than i should have, cuz like u, i thought no one would eva except me, and it did actually happen to me where durin one of my break ups w/ the ex boyfriend, i knew i was truly in love w/ my (ex)bestfriend of 10yrs, it was the saddest day of my life to tell him, and my worst fear came true, he told me we have to stop the feelings we have 4 each other. i thought to myself, if someone i knew for 10yrs didnt except me 4 me, then my chances of meeting another guy who would, would be pretty much slim to none, but surprisely i found a new true love, who excepts me and isnt worried one bit.
on that note, i just want to say, dreams can come true =)
"makayla"


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Hurt but hopeful
Guest
Jul-31-05, 10:45 AM (CST)
 
89. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #86
 
   I just read your post because my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. We had been best friends for a year and decided to take our relationship to the next level. When he discovered how many partners I'd had in the past, he was very upset but decided to work things through. Then I was diagnosed with herpes (after an outbreak that came during a very stressful period in my life). We were both devastated of course but he got tested and does not have the disease. However, since I've been diagnosed, he refuses to have sex with me (I've given him oral and that's about the extent of our sex life).

I've been on suppressive therapy and thought that he just needed to get over the initial shock but would eventually want to be intimate with me using condoms. I was wrong. He blew up at me the other evening for something very insignificant and said that he realized that this has been eating at him and he can't get over the fact that I have herpes. At first he thought that he could live with the the risk of exposing himself but says now that he absolutely won't take that risk.

Since there's no 100% guarantee that he won't contract it, he doesn't want to pursue the relationshiip any longer. I am beyond hurt and not sure how I'm going to cope. He's not only my boyfriend but my best friend. I can honestly say that this is the whole reason we broke up - I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him before this happened.

At this point, I can't even imagine trying to develop a new relationship with someone, and even more so, I don't see how I can tell them that I'm infected when the person that I most thought would work through something like this, just walked out on me. I'm hoping that after some healing time, I'm able to deal with this, but right now I'm feeling so devastated.

This first posting demonstrates a wonderful story of a happy ending after finding someone that would accept this disease, and I can only hope the same thing happens to myself. I do hope percentages on the chance of women giving the disease to men and the use of suppressive therapy is pretty accurate. I know that when we went to counseling, we were told that even with condoms and suppressive therapy, I still have a 50/50 chance of giving my partner my disease. He realized these were horrible odds for him and decided it wasn't worth taking the risk. I can only hope that I meet someone that's willing to take that gamble for me in the future.


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Surreal
Guest
Jul-31-05, 02:56 PM (CST)
 
91. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #89
 
   The odds of transmitting herpes from H-pos woman to H-neg man are NOT 50/50. I know the veterans on this site will correct me if I'm wrong, but the odds are closer to 4% per year if you avoid sex during OBs and prodrome. If you use condoms (fairly consistently) and are on suppressive therapy, then the odds are about 2% per year of transmitting the virus.

I'm not sure if those odds would have caused your boyfriend to flee. My guess is that the odds he wanted to hear were 0% chance of getting herpes. In any case, I wish you and he could have received more accurate information during counseling. It seems to me that most counselors and doctors don't know squat about herpes, and I wish they'd stop perpetuating the stigma by disseminating bad information.

I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship. To be dismissed because of herpes by someone you care about really sucks. There are more understanding people out there.....go look for them when you are feeling stronger.

Hugs,
Surreal


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Hurt but hopeful
Guest
Jul-31-05, 07:28 PM (CST)
 
92. "Re Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #91
 
   Surreal - thank you so much for your response. I didn't realize what the statistics were and that will help me in gaining a better understanding of the situation. Unfortunately, it won't help in this case because you're right, he was looking for a 100% guarantee.
Since I can't offer that to him, he fled. But I'm hoping that after I recover from this, and work on healing myself, that one day I can find someone who will accept me for who I am. The thing that makes no sense to me is that he probably has a better chance of getting a girl pregnant since he hates using condoms. I don't understand his rationale but I guess it's not for me to know, but just to accept.
Thank you again. This forum has made me feel better about my own situation at least and know that one day I will be able to move on.

HBH


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cas
Guest
Jul-31-05, 10:39 PM (CST)
 
93. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #89
 
   i can't believe that your counsellor told you that the odds were 50/50 of giving your partner herpes. it's this type of misinformation that fuels the negative stigma. someone really needs to educate your counsellor so that he/she can stop giving people wrong information. i can't believe that he/she could say something like that without knowing the facts. did you know that in a study conducted by the makers of valtrex, out of 1000 couples (one hsv+ and the other hsv-) using suppressive therapy and condoms, only something like 4 or 7 of the hsv- people became hsv+ after a year? that doesn't sound like 50/50 to me. not even close. your cousellor and your ex need to get educated.


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sp905
Guest
Sep-13-06, 10:04 PM (CST)
 
127. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #89
 
   Gosh I am so sorry that this happened to you but I KNOW you deserve better and that time will bring you something great.

He was never worth it and you will see that in time: )

You have a lot more inside of you than you give yourself credit for - we all do.


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Bewitchme
Guest
Aug-01-05, 09:36 PM (CST)
 
94. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you Lisa2!!

You have totally reassured my hopes and fears...I just found out today that I have contracted Herpes... and I know that it can happen and I have been reading up on it... Life still goes on and you can still all that you want in life with just a little different look and pace on things... I have two children whom I love dearly and would never want them to know about this untill they get older...I want to do good for them and this is just a bit of a road block in my life...

I hope in time I can too find that special man to love me and take all of me as I am... I hope that I can be as happy as you are now...Good Job and many hugs to you!!

Bewitchme


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Lisa2
Guest
Aug-30-05, 12:28 PM (CST)
 
95. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #94
 
   Glad my post helped. I am in a new relationship now, just told him this weekend, and it went great. It gets easier!!!


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
Aug-30-05, 01:20 PM (CST)
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96. "Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.."
In response to message #95
 
He's a lucky guy.

Congratulations, too, on having the longest continuous running thread on HHP.. Wow, started back in Feb, 2002! I hope you'll be sticking around.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Peggy
Guest
Sep-02-05, 10:57 PM (CST)
 
97. "RE: Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.."
In response to message #96
 
   I echo Rajah's sentiments. Lisa2, you have been such a source of inspiration and hope to folks on this website. I wish you all the best!

Peggy


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Lisa2
Guest
Sep-07-05, 09:53 PM (CST)
 
98. "RE: Congrats, Lisa2, on the new relationship.."
In response to message #96
 
   Thanks Rajah

He knows he's a lucky guy (the luckiest guy in the world. according to him, to have found me), and I feel like a lucky girl. He is a wonderful man who treats me with continual thoughtfulness, respect, kindness, adoration. love...everything I want. And he wants what I want. He makes me very happy, and I make him very happy. There is such joy in that_ making someone happy, and letting them make you happy. It is a wonderful thing when two people appreciate and value and cherish eachother.
Having "the talk" is never a favorite activity for me. But I knew it would be OK. And it is. It's more than OK. It's perfect.


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Joyce
Guest
Sep-16-05, 06:43 AM (CST)
 
99. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   My situation is very similar. However, when I told my partner he was so angry and hurt that I waited so long to tell him. He truly loved me, but couldn't deal with the news. I feel so bad that I hurt him, and hurt from the rejection. He ended the relationship right then.
I talked to my gynecologist, and she said I didn't have enough out-breaks to warrant suppressive therapy. I think it would really help. What are the standards for suppressive therapy? Thanks for the great letter. Joyce


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Lisa2
Guest
Oct-11-05, 10:59 PM (CST)
 
100. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #99
 
   Standards of siupppressive therapy for OB control is supposed to be 6 or more OB's a year. But many GYN's will prescribe to anyone who wants it. If you are takling it for reasons of preventing transmission with a partner testred and documented to be HSV negative, the only criteria should be HSV+ status. After all, they tell us we can transmit at any time even if we get no OB's, so they need to prescribe accordingly.

However if you have had the virus a long time and don't get OB's you are not shedding much anyway. I am in a new relationship now that I think may be the one, we've talked about everything, our plans for a life together, we want the same things. The herpes wasn't even a bump in the road. Right now we are using condoms when neccessary to prevent pregnancy, and unprotected otherwise.

Think about herpes in perspective. Most people have HSV1, yet those of use (like me) who are HSV1- would never consider not kissing their love if he had HSV1 antibodies, but no OB. How silly would that be? Very silly. Herpes is usually not a big deal and 90% of people infected don't even notice they have it.

I'm sorry your love was not accepting of your herpes. You should not feel bad. It is sad that he couldn't deal with such a minort problem, but hoiw could you commit to building a life with someone who couldn't handle the possiblity of getting a blister someday? What would happen if something really serious came up?


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Annomilooto
Guest
Sep-25-07, 04:10 AM (CST)
 
176. "Hello Everebody, wakeup!;-)"
In response to message #100
 
   LAST EDITED ON Sep-25-07 AT 08:29 AM (CST) by howl (admin)
 
Spam Content Removed as per HHP Policy.


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susie2
Guest
Oct-23-05, 09:56 AM (CST)
 
101. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I am sitting here at my computer in floods of tears having just been diagnosed and your message is the first thing that has given me any kind of real hope for the future. I feel all those things you felt and a huge amount of fear. I just met someone I really like but we haven't even been on a date and now this. It is hard to allow it all to sink in because it is so painful. I will re-read what you wrote and try and give myself a hug.

Thanks, Susie2


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
Oct-26-05, 09:07 PM (CST)
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102. "Lisa2's message is a classic in every way.."
In response to message #101
 
Please feel free to read it and re-read it. There's a lot of good wisdom there. Please feel free, too, to jump in at any time and ask questions. We're here to help.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Lisa2
Guest
Feb-06-06, 11:25 PM (CST)
 
106. "Addendum"
In response to message #0
 
   So it's been years since I've had the experience described in my post above. That relationship did not work out, though it did heal some insecurities I had. Everything happens for a reason. I left with some knowledge, some heartbeak, and he left without herpes. It was not an obstacle in our relationship once I told.

Now I am engaged, to the man that made the wait worthwhile. Yes, he accepted me with my herpes as well, in fact he was so untroubled that he wanted his first time ever of unprotected (without a condom) sex to be with me (and this was before we were that committed). I am so lucky to have found such a wonderful and considerate partner in life. Herpes does not impair our sex life, or any aspect of the incredible happiness we are blessed with.

We feel so happy and blessed in our love and relationship. I just want everyone with herpes to know that love and life still offers you unlimited potential for happiness. Go for what you want, and you'll get it!



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Molly55
Member since Feb-9-06
207 posts
Feb-09-06, 01:32 PM (CST)
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107. "RE: Addendum"
In response to message #106
 
   Lisa thank you so much for your post. You have no idea how much hope you have given to all of us. I was diagnosed a little over a month ago with GHSV2, (right before my 24th birthday -- Happy birthday to me!) and was devastated, had a pretty painful primary OB too. It was very difficult to get thru because I've chosen not to share this with anyone else -- except my bf of course. At least, I'm not ready to share yet.
I had found a new bf (and actually an old friend) shortly after a break up of a long-term relationship (which was bad, and best to be out of!) and discovered that the new bf gave me herpes -- he's a carrier and has never had an outbreak, he had no idea was really upset.
We are still together and he's wonderful, and kind and unbelievably supportive. I hope it all works out, But given the newness of the relationship I'm realistic that it is possible that this may not last, hence the fear about having to tell someone else. The depression I was feeling was incredible, but Prozac, counselling and this site and Yoshi's are making the world of difference. I know it's not going to be easy, and I still have my tough days, but I'm doing a million times better then I was a month ago, and the tough days are becoming fewer and father between. Coming here and just reading everyone's posts helps me stay positive, which I usually am anyway. Can't wait to be back to me 100%. Just wanted to say a huge thanks to you and everyone out there who is sharing this experience, and helping us newbies in our time of need!


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Kelly
Guest
Feb-20-06, 03:57 PM (CST)
 
109. "RE: Addendum"
In response to message #106
 
   Can I ask which supressive therapy you use? Valtrex? I'm confused as to which drug helps with what. I've been told that Valtrex is the ONLY drug that helps reduce the risk of transmission, but other places tell me that Acyclovir is the main ingredient in Valtrex. So, does Acyclovir do the same thing as Valtrex when taken daily? (My insurance doesn't cover Valtrex and I can't afford it without insurance, so my only option in Acyclovir.) I feel so confused as I get a conflicting answer from my doctor, from websites, from drug websites. It makes the situation all the more harrowing.


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howladmin
Charter Member
4139 posts
Feb-21-06, 04:38 PM (CST)
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110. "For Kelly"
In response to message #109
 
   LAST EDITED ON Feb-21-06 AT 04:39 PM (CST)
 
The only drug that has been proven to reduce the transmission of herpes is Valtrex. BUT, and this is a big but, Valtrex is converted by your liver into acyclovir. The full name of Valtrex is valacyclovir. The difference is that Valtrex hooks on an animo acid to the acyclovir so more of it gets into your system. Thats why people can get away with taking Valtrex once a day, but they have to take acyclovir several times a day for the same effect.

So in theory acyclovir should also help protect against transmission. However no has studied acyclovir. No one will because its a generic drug now and theres no as much profit in it.

So in a way, everyone you've talked to is right. Only Valtrex is proven to work, but we think acyclovir should also work.

Howl


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Lisa2
Guest
May-22-06, 00:19 AM (CST)
 
115. "RE: Addendum"
In response to message #109
 
   Hi Kelly

I'm not taking suppressives anymore, but when I did I took acyclovir

Valtrex is the only one proven to reduce risk of transmission, but it may be the case that if someone funded a study of the generic acyclovir, they may find similar results.


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Rajahadmin
Charter Member
15672 posts
May-22-06, 07:01 PM (CST)
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116. "I'm pretty sure this has to be the record for.."
In response to message #115
 
the longest running thread on HHP. Thanks for starting it and helping to keep it going, Lisa2. Wow!! Always glad to see you drop in and always appreciate your words of wisdom.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Lisa2
Guest
May-26-06, 01:26 PM (CST)
 
119. "RE: I'm pretty sure this has to be the record for.."
In response to message #116
 
   Thanks for the appreciation, Raj, and thanks for all the good work you do here for people every day.

I've super been busy with wedding planning and work, so many good things in my life right now I feel incredibly blessed and fortunate. Though I am sad because it seems like a lot of bad things are happening to people my age that I know. One old freind's young son was diagnosed with leukemia and it doesn't look good. Another person I know died unexpectedly the day after giving birth. And another old freind has brain cancer. Now those are tragedies. Kind puts herpes in perspective, hmm?

Life is short. It's important to make the most and the best of the time we have.


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expecting3178
Guest
Apr-14-06, 10:08 PM (CST)
 
113. "RE: Addendum"
In response to message #106
 
   Your stories have definately been inspirational, but have you had experience with constant OBs? I don't know how to move on and find the positive when you are constantly battling with OBs. Even if you do find someone who understands, you can't say, well now is a safer time then not, b/c I am always having OBs. And as they say in the doctor's offices, don't be with a person who is having an OB......so how do you find the positive and the hope?????


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Mizzie
Guest
May-24-06, 11:50 PM (CST)
 
118. "RE: Addendum"
In response to message #113
 
   Have you talked to your doctor about starting a suppressive therapy? There is no reason for you to be suffering with recurrent and frequent outbreaks. Make an appt with your doctor ASAP and get on Valtrex.


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socal
Guest
Feb-20-06, 03:20 AM (CST)
 
108. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you sooo much for that beautifully written story....You almost described me to a T with your description on how the first girl thought.
I feel the first thing anyone needs to know about me is that im tainted, to run away b/c im not deserving of love. But since i am the chicken, i tend to push and run away first.Sex shouldnt be the main focus of a realtionship, this im learning. Someone should want me for more than that right??? So then why not give them a chance to get to know the wonderful charismatic me??? The truth is i feel gulity when i do that. Lke im with holding information, and the gulit begins to cosume me as i quickly built my all to familar walls, then sadly walk away never knowing....
I am still unfortunately stuck in the middle...between the girl whose afraid to let anyone in to the web of lies she made of herself, and the girl who wont settle for anyless than love, but in my heart i have faith that love can conquer all. I pray that i become stronger and value myself more than what i have contracted. I am a beautiful person who shouldnt settle. Nor would i want anyone to settle for me... I have tried the internet dating sites. but after a while i said im in my early 20s why should i have to limit myself to only those who are these sites in my situtaion??? Then the uneasyness overcomes me...Will i be one of these 40 y/o women who still cant find someone to love me??? Will i be back in 20 years surfing the same dead end sites????
Live is sooo much of a roller coaster, that im beginning to get motion sickness... I want off.


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ga guest
Guest
Jun-13-06, 00:31 AM (CST)
 
121. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #108
 
   I think we all kind of want off the "roller coaster" as you describe it. I got it on my 20th birthday, what a present right? I gotta say though, although I have not been successful with relationships since then, there's something better out there than being depressed about it, right? The truth is, I haven't actually tried to foster a meaningful relationship. I need to get over it and you do too. Three years and I am just learning, so take your time. But I need to stop thinking of dating as a means to have sex and instead as a means to happiness in life. I mean, I don't plan on being a 40 year old man with the same feelings as I have now...I can do better and so can you. It's all effort and acceptance. I've made my mistakes. I am ready to move on. That's why I'm reading this site. You should do the same.


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pikione
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Mar-11-06, 07:04 AM (CST)
 
111. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thanks so much for that! I thought I was dealing really well with the whole situation until I read that. Since finding out about 8 months ago that I had contracted the disease, I had plunged myself into my business and said "oh i don't want to meet anyone, I'm too busy". But subconsciously I was really just eliminating any chance that I might have to open up to someone and tell them, the fear of rejection was just too much for me to think about! So thankyou, I really actually can't wait til the first moment I tell someone, if it goes well it will really help me. I have four friends with herpes and only the male one has been rejected, the three girls have had all success stories so I'm hoping I can add to that list too. I'm SOO tired so this probably all isn't making sense, i just wanted to say thank you though. I'm actually only on here tonight looking up the herpes forum as I get an outbreak every time I have a xxx wax (every 5 - 6 weeks) so it's very annoying. I haven't had any other outbreaks since the initial MAJOR one, so if i dont wax i dont think i'll have a problem but as i swim i like it "fresh" down there. Any suggestions for me?? Thanks again for your insight, very helpful


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Depressed
Guest
Mar-28-06, 00:43 AM (CST)
 
112. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you so much for your message. The first paragraph of your message makes me want to cry. It is so close to the exact emotions that I am feeling, I can't believe it. I found out I had herpes over a year ago now, and still feel a lot of those same emtions. I have only told one person...my best friend. We didn't really talk about it much because I am even too embarassed to discuss it with her. Ever since the day I was diagnosed it has been in the back of my mind...every single day. Every time I even think about meeting someone, I think about the fact that no one would want me..if the knew...It's the most horrible thing to feel "gross" People that don't have herpes, are so mean when they talk about it. They act like in order to have it, you have to be some gross disgusting person...when in fact anyone can have it. It only takes one time. I am 22 years old and have had 2 partners...and now look. I have to live with this the rest of my life. I have not been intimate since I was diagnosed 1 year ago...and I feel like I will never be able to be with someone ever again. I don't know how I could ever tell someone. I rather be alone then face that. I have thought about talking with someone..but I don't really know where to begin. Where do you go? How much would it cost? Would I have the courage to talk/tell someone? I hope someday I can reach the point you are at in your life.


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Amy
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May-11-06, 08:19 PM (CST)
 
114. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you for your letter. I really needed this read tonight.
Thanks for taking the time to share.
Amy


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Thank you.
Guest
May-24-06, 10:35 PM (CST)
 
117. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I just read what you wrote. Thank you. I really needed that right now. I've been feeling exactly like you describe at the beginning.


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Iamme
Member since Jun-11-06
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Jun-11-06, 03:58 AM (CST)
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120. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   You write beautifully I hope to write as eloquently as you some day. An on a side note or maybe not. I feel the same as you do now. While my diagnose is still very fresh, I know that herpes was not given to me out of anything that was malice or an act of GOD for my sins. So many of us just don't know we have it. Thank you for your story and the hope that it can bring to all of us that have herpes.


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WhatNext
Member since Jul-7-06
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Jul-07-06, 12:56 PM (CST)
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122. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I haven't finished reading your post, but I read most of it and it made me cry. I just found out yesterday that I have herpes, and my fiance is going to go get tested.

I am not sure if he gave it to me or if I had it and likely gave it to him. I have heard that the testing that they used to do more often is not very reliable, and i have vulvar vestibulitis as well so it is hard for me to tell if I have every had symptoms, but i have not ever had an outbreak like those most often described.

Yesterday, after I told him and we talked he said "OK, lets assume I don't have herpes... you wanna go give it to me?" That was his way of trying to make me laugh and feel better, but I truely believe that he would rather share the disease with me than have it create barriers between us. We didn't have sex yesterday, but I know that we will work it out. And if he did give it to me, I would rather have herpes than to never have met him.

Life goes on. But its still fresh and I'm emotional, and I just have to keep reminding myself.

WhatNext


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lorrie45
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Aug-12-06, 04:03 PM (CST)
 
125. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   thank you.


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tracey
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Aug-29-06, 02:11 AM (CST)
 
126. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I was diagnosed with herpes today. I fell like my world has ended. I been crying non-stop for three days now. That is when I first discovered the herpes sore.

After reading this message posting it did give me some hope that I will someday resume a regular life. . Things like these are not suppose to happen to nice girls.

What is my story...

I fell in love with a soldier who made me trust him. I gave him my heart, my soul and body and herpes is what I got in return. I met him three years ago through a friend and after a year he was shipped off to Iraq. Of course I wrote and he would call whenever he could. We talked about kids and marriage. I prayed for his safety almost every night and what did I get in return? .. not the happy ending I expected - Herpes.

We haven't spoken for about three weeks now, he suddenly stopped calling. I've tried to contact him over the past three days to let him of my current situation, but I guess he already knows.

I hope that someday I too get to met someone as special as you did, but for now all I can do is cry when I think about the kids I may never have.


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Confused djg
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Oct-19-06, 06:21 PM (CST)
 
128. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
  
Thanks for the information (amazing post)... A few weeks ago I started to have symptoms such as tingling and itcheness in the groin area and became very worried...About two weeks after the encounter that I had suspected was giving me these feelings, I went and had a blood test to get checked....I recently got my blood test back and it says that i do not have herpes...Although I got the blood test back, i still have itchy/tingling and some discomfort in my genitals...(very confused) ...could the blood test be wrong....

The whole thought of having herpes scares the crap out of me...will i ever be able to date, meet the woman of my dreams, etc... The hard part i think is to date someone w/ out sexual contact for how long...wouldn't they wonder...and if it is only a few great dates...why would they say, it is worth the risk..even if you know that you are a genuine and loving person...I could see dating someone for a couple months..falling in love ...then they would be fine with it...but a few dates ...or even a month..just seems so hard and upsetting to me....

If anyone can clarify the above for me it would be greatly appreciated...right now i am at work during another 12hr day...and I am on this site (which has been very helpful) because i am so sad/upset and cannot even concentrate at work.......

I would like to say that the first post was so motivating, it phrased the virus in a way i would never of thought..and it truly inspired me to even ask questions..instead of ignoring them


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Oct-19-06, 07:54 PM (CST)
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129. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #128
 
You should post in the support forum for a greater response, but I can start here.

It can take up to 4 months to show up on a test, so your test only tells you that you don't have antibodies.

Itching and tingling can be many things, and you really should follow up with your doc. Have you tested for other stds, or just herpes?

You can also ask your doc for PCR swabbing of the area.

Check out www.westoverheights.com for great info on herpes, and testing.

Try not to look too far ahead and panic about dating, etc, with herpes, because you aren't even sure you have it.

If money is an issue, check out your local std clinic or planned parenthood.

Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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Sarah
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Oct-22-06, 03:23 PM (CST)
 
130. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thanks so much for your message. I have just found out i have herpes im 29 and a single mum!

I am feeling really scared and lonely and face the prospect of telling a new partner whome i really care for, that i have this virus.

Your message has touched me and given me a little hope. Thank You so much.


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Lisa2
Guest
Oct-26-06, 06:34 PM (CST)
 
131. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #130
 
   Glad it helped you Sarah. I barely think about herpes anymore, there will be a time when you don't think about it much either. It can be hard adjusting to it mentally at first but once you get comfortable with it and get used to telling and get past the telling it won't feel like a big deal anymore. You will be loved again and accepted with herpes as long as you give people the chance to love you. I can't promise that everyone you tell will be accepting but in my experience most men are accepting of it and it is jus the not a big deal it feel like right now. If he really cares about you too and is sensible and mature he will still want to be with you after you tell.

I can honerstly say that right now I am happier than I have ever been in my life and am so excited for the future. I'm just back from my honeymoon with the love of my life and we're trying for a baby! Life is beautiful. Yes we have herpes. So what? You can still have everything you want in life. No one can stop you but you.


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Rajahadmin
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Oct-26-06, 06:48 PM (CST)
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132. "Can you believe it, Lisa2? 132 posts counting this."
In response to message #131
 
This is, certainly the longest running thread on HHP. If Guiness kept track, you'd be the winner. Over four and a half years of success stories. Thanks so much for dropping in and keeping us updated.

Good luck with the baby efforts.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain


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Buff
Guest
Nov-09-06, 04:35 PM (CST)
 
133. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you so much for this letter. All the feelings you felt I am going through now. Since reading your letter I fell 100% better about myself and life. My boyfriend has agreed to stay with me and now we can educate overselves, just as you did. I thought life was over, but now you changed everything for me.

Thanks


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Lisa2
Guest
Nov-22-06, 02:21 PM (CST)
 
134. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #133
 
   Wow-I am so happy you feel helped by my words, and happy for you that you feel better. Everything will be fine. You only get one life---make the most of it!


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overloaded_badluck
Member since Dec-12-06
113 posts
Dec-20-06, 05:57 PM (CST)
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135. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Wow Lisa, that person you describe sounds just like me!

I have had the virus for about 4yrs and luckily for me I only experienced the first outbreak which wasnt that great but not really even half as bad as some of the experiences that I have read about.

I contracted the virus from my exboyfriend about a year-and-a-half into the relationship. He was unaware that he was infected with the virus at the time. We ended the relationship about 6mos later for unrelated reasons.

Since then, I have been so shattered about the relationship I had not even contemplated meeting or dating another man (I had been through enough with men as far as I was concerned). The thought about Herpes did not even enter my mind because I have been OB free since the very first outbreak. The symptoms are minimal at best and the only time I think about it is when I hear the word "Herpes." I have niether talked about nor dealt with the idea about being a carrier of this virus.

Well since then, in my quest to stay single and determined successfull attempt so far, the universe has thrown me a curve ball. I've "accidently" met someone who I had not planned to meet online and totally was not expecting him. Not to be this intriguing, not to be this deep.

We keep drawing closer and closer and he wants to fly out to meet me but I am the one that keeps putting it off. He tells me that the things I may feel are flaws are probably going to be "little" things to him. I keep feeling around and probing at what a deal breaker might be but he never says "herpes!"

Well, I am scared to death. I have been sitting here thinking about why he showed up out of nowhere and how all of these things came to be. In this thought process, I have discovered that I had never actually dealt with emotionally the fact that I have Herpes. Never having to deal with the physical aspects of the virus after the first outbreak made it so easy to avoid it.

I have only told one childhood friend about it and she and I are not currently in touch. I am here fretting about telling him and how to go about it and I literally have no one to talk to about it. Im afraid to tell my highschool buddies out of fear of judgement. I cant even build momentum to talk to her about it. Many of my friends as well have had many many partners, 50 - 100 and here I am still counting on one hand and I AM the one who has this virus.

I worry that they may fret over me using their bathrooms, drinking glasses etc. Honestly, I dont know how any of these people are going to react!

Well with him, he tells me that he knows that he and I were meant for one another. Honestly, I feel the same way. We talk all of the time and have wonderful conversations. I honestly have never met anyone like him before. I fear that when I tell him that all of this will change. That he may be nice to me out of pity instead of what is in his heart.

I have contemplated writing a letter to him because expression in writing is one of my strongest skills. But then I feel like I will be dreading the moment he reads it what his initial reaction will be. Then also, in writing the letter, making it bigger than what it may be. Also, not doing it in person. It is hard for me to do since he is out of my state currently. I dont know if I should do this in person, which can prolong this, or write the damn letter.

There is so much my mind, that seems to work overtime, puts me through. I too was the "good girl" who waited until she was an adult to have sex etc. None of my life has panned out the way I expected. He puts me on a pedastel and treats me like no man ever has and wants to. I am afraid to lose all of that or even a fracture of it.

I am afraid of what it will be like after I tell him. Will he look at the excitement of being intimate with me the same? Will he say, "Are you kidding me? thats what you are worried about?" or will he just start to act funny and slowly fade away. The fear of the unknown.

Now, 4yrs later, I sit and cry about it. I cry when he tells me things that make me feel special to him. He tells me that I am special to him. I believe him as he is special to me. I care so much about him that I do not even want to expose him to this virus. I feel like I am being selfish to ask him to love me inspite of being exposed to a virus that may affect him for life. And then deep down inside, I feel like I can be with him for life.

Well, I guess I am asking for your input on how to deal with all of this. Other than that, as a person, I know I am who I am, its just all of the ignorance associated with this virus and the social stigma it creates. I will appreciate and input anyone has.


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Marianne
Guest
Dec-21-06, 00:46 AM (CST)
 
136. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #135
 
   The thing that helps me get through these type of worries is, if they wouldn't stick around because of herpes, they weren't worth it in the first place.

It really is true.


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Dec-21-06, 08:27 AM (CST)
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137. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #136
 
And if its been 4 years, and you are still sitting and crying, its high time to seek some therapy.

Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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overloaded_badluck
Member since Dec-12-06
113 posts
Dec-21-06, 11:35 PM (CST)
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138. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #137
 
   I didnt say that I was sitting and crying for 4 years. I said that I've had it for 4 years and have not had any outbreaks with it so I have not had to DEAL with it!

Now that there is someone new who unexpectedly showed up, I am being FORCED to deal with it on an emotional level whereas before, because of the lack of incidence, it has not really even been a thought. This new person has created a situation where now I have to deal with it not physically, but on an EMOTIONAL level.

To be honest with you, I do not recall ever crying about it when I first learned I had it. I wasnt happy, but I didnt cry.

Im am upset and in tears NOW because I have met someone who may truly be worthy of me and because of this it may stand in my way. I understand the part about the person not "being worthy", but get real. People have the right to have concerns over their health. It is alot to ask of a person period.

Thats what I said.

If you had a choice, what would you do? You certainly wouldnt necessarily choose to have herpes. If they say tomorrow on breaking news that there is a cure for herpes, you are certainly going to jump up and get that cure. So lets not pretend it is not a big deal.

People end relationships for all kinds of reasons, i sure as hell cant see why herpes can not be allowed on the list. Not being pessimistic, just realistic.

Do you see my dilemma?


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Dec-22-06, 09:18 AM (CST)
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139. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #138
 
No, to be honest, I don't see your dilemma.

Yes, herpes can be a big deal, but as far as relationships go, its not the biggest thing.

I entered into a relationship knowing the man had herpes, and it never once caused any problems for us. I did get it from him, and while I certainly wouldn't ask for herpes, it really hasn't changed my life all that much.

If you choose to let this chance with this guy go, that's on you. You are letting the stigma you rail against take over and that's not healthy. For all you know right now, he might even have herpes. He might have dated someone with herpes. Both of those scenarios have happened to me - one guy I dated had it too, and another had dated a woman who had it, and knew it wasn't a big deal.

If you are getting upset with people here suggesting that you get therapy (and I don't know for sure that you are, but its what I am getting from your posts), we are only basing that on what you say.

If you truly think he is worthy of you - and trust me, I know good men are hard to find - then don't let herpes stand in the way of that. Compared to the tons of other things that can make or break a relationship - kids, exes, parents, jobs, money, addictions, etc etc - herpes is way down on the list.

And since this is a success story, it might be best to move this to the support forum if you want to continue it, so we don't hijack this thread any more than we have.

Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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msmom
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3141 posts
Dec-22-06, 02:44 PM (CST)
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140. "Meet me in support..."
In response to message #138
 
   http://racoon.com/dcforum/support/19407.html


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Lisa2
Guest
Feb-21-07, 07:54 PM (CST)
 
144. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #138
 
   Hey there

Sorry not to get back to you earlier, DH and I have been busy trying to make a baby (no luck yet unfortunately, but these things can take time). Hopefully you have told already, and did not run from this relationship out of fear of rejection.

As for therapy, it's always worth a shot, though personally, I don't think it helped me much in regards to this. What really helped me was focusing on making my life the best it could be, and realizing I have a lot mor eto offer as person than herpes. Alsojust getting up the courage to tell and being accepted, and finding out through experience that actually, suprisingly enough as it may seem, most people are quite accepting of herpes if told before sexual contact.

I won't tell you that there is no chance that you will be rejected. It's possible. I can tell if you tell correctly, it is very unlikely you will be rejected. It's not like you are a one dimensional person with nothing to offer except herpes- there is a lot to you, who you are, there is no one else in the world like you...yes, you have herpes. So what. Everyone has some baggage of one kind of another. Herpes is pretty minor as far as baggage goes IMO. That just goes along with life...as does herpes for 1 in 4 people.

It's hard to get up the courage to tell. It's hard to face the thought of being rejected. But this is the thing---you can tell, and get it over with and get on with a great relationship, or if neccessary, move on to what's next. The worst part is the space betweenm where you are worrying about it, before you tell. After you tell, it's a relief. A long time ago I saw stats running on this board of about 3 in 4 people being accepting. My personal experience has been more like 9 of 10 being accepting. I think there is a lot more awareness about H now than when I got it. Anyway, your chance of moving on successfully with this relationship are pretty much 0% if you don't tell (o if you run out of fear, and pretty darn bad if you let it get physical without telling---it's one thing to be understanding that someone has a virus and decide to be with them, it's another thing to decide to be with a dishonest liar. Who wants to be with someone you can't trust? And on the flip side, I find that telling someone you have H actually impresses people with your honesty and builds trust---if you tell about this, it sort ofv "proves" you are an honest trustworthy person. And that can be hard to find in this world.

Yes you are upset, and I know it huurts and it's hard;. But you need to find the strength to find your own happiness- you deserve it, and someone out there deserves to be made happy by you.

My hubby tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, and I feel the same way about him. We hardly ever even think about herpes, unless I feel symptoms or get an OB. But really it's not a big deal. You can have that with someone one day too, but you need to give yourself the chance.

And as for a wishing I never got herpes, I wouldn't take the chance to go back and undo it, nopt knowing if it might change the path of events that led me to the happiness I have now. If there was a cure, I'd take it, for the sake of my hubby so I'd be assured of never passing it on to him, and so I don't have to worry about getting an OB when I give birth. But out of all my physical afflictions, there's a lot of other things I'd take a cure for that would come before herpes...


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manda
Guest
Jan-20-07, 08:58 PM (CST)
 
141. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Thank you for writting this....i just found out i have it and am waiting to see if my boyfriend has it. I spent a lot of time feeling the same way you did and now i feel like i can move on from my pity party and make some decisions with my boyfriend. Thank You


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ScaredWhy
Member since Feb-10-07
41 posts
Feb-10-07, 09:15 AM (CST)
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142. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #141
 
   I too thank you so much for this posting. Because I'm in the same state of mind you were so many years ago. I was recently diagnosed (back in Nov '06) and when it happened I felt that my life was over (sitill feel that way..I'm very ANGRY and UPSET). I couldn't believe that I had contracted something like Herpes. I can count on 1 hand how many guys I've slept with and it was the last one that passed this on to me. As I waited the dreadful week for the blood tests to come back I worried about how I was going to tell him (because I was convinced it was one of my past relationships that gave it to me not him..he was just divorced and hadn't had a relationship since his break-up---I'm not usually this dumb!) When I did tell him he took it in stride, he was surprised but supportive (said he would get tested because he didn't think he had it..he was so passive about getting tested that this is what leads me to believe that he knew he had it and did care to share)...so here I thought great..this could be the one..but after I told him things started to dwindle..to make a long story very short..it's now over. So, I've just had my 1st shedding, since my inital OB and it stinks!! I'm so angry because I'm scared to death about future realtionships (if they ever happen), I'm single and would LOVE to have kids some day but that scares me too..even though doctors say it will be ok and not to worry. How can someone not worry?? I've only confided in 1 life-long friend and if it wasn't for her I think I would have ended up in the looney bin....

Normally, I'm a strong person that can stand up to anything but this has knocked me back and I'm struggling to stand up again..I'm sorry for the long posting (this the first time I've ever done this!) but I had to vent some way...

scared....


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Anna25
Member since Feb-19-07
Feb-20-07, 02:42 AM (CST)
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143. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #142
 
   Oh my god!!! It's like I wrote your message! I went through the same exact thing, except I was in a relationship for 6 months before I got my first BO. For a fact I knew he gave it to me because before I started dating him, I wanted to be a part of the Herpes Vaccine study and I tested negative....but anyway.....I know exactly how you feel! I too am a strong person but I have to admit that herpes does get me down even after a year of being diagnosed. I am completely mortified about future relationships, having the "talk" and having the possibility of being rejected!!! Just thinking about it raises my blood pressure!!! I have to admit though that it does feel better knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I guess we can be scared together and take it one day at a time

A

Anna


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ScaredWhy
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Feb-28-07, 10:08 PM (CST)
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145. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #143
 
   I must admit I still have my moments of being scared and angry. (I still curse him.) But you are right, it does feel better knowing I'm not alone. Being on this forum has helped. I read it almost every day, even though I've only posted a couple of times.
Thanks

scared....


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Q2007
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Mar-18-07, 12:44 PM (CST)
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146. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Hi Lisa.
I just found this website and read your story. It is an awesome story that brings hope to people.

I am writing because I am really devastated over what has happened in my life recently, and thought maybe you would have some good advice. I don't really know where to turn. I need advice from people that live and have lived in relationships where only the woman has the virus and the man is still ok.

I'm 33 years old and recently got out of a very long and destructive relationship with the same person who gave me herpes. About five months ago (too soon after my break up) I met an awesome guy. He was to good to just pass up so I got involved. I pushed myself to tell him I had the virus early on so I wouldn't violate his rights to his own body and I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested in him sexually. He stayed and continued seeing me even though it scared him. We have been a little bit sexual but not gone all the way. His mind functions in a way where he has a hard time stop thinking about things that bother him. He feels a need to solve problems and until he does, it's on his mind. This is not something he will be able to solve on his own and I have been trying to tell him that we have to see other people in the same situation. Our relationship totally stagnated. He decided to go talk to a guy that I found (with a pretty positive attitude about herpes)but I don't know the result of their meeting. I don't think it's enough to have him convinced that he can handle it. I think he will think that doctor's attitude is naive.
He was very romantic prior to the time I broke the "news" to him. Since then, due to the huge issue that we now have between us, he put up a wall and kept a distance from me. He still treated me like a princess up until two weeks ago. I did something stupid and pushed him away so he used that as a reason to tell me that he doesn't know if he can handle that I have herpes, and he needs time to think. I realize now, when he has not been in my life for a little, while that I have made a huge mistake, pushing him away the way I did. He wanted so bad to work things out but with me having a big wall up because I'm so afraid of rejection, he didn't feel that I was there to stay and why should he take a risk with his health if he was going to find himself single eventually anyway?
I can't blame him for that.
I need to show him that I'm not going anywhere, that he can trust me. I also need to give him information or somebody to talk to about living with an infected person. He is very intelligent and is not going to listen to statistics without knowing who the source is and how they got to the numbers. I need to get in touch with people who have lived intimate for years and how they do it. He thinks there is no way of having a spontaneous sex life, ever.
I am on suppressive medication for three years and have not had a breakout for a year.
My biggest problem is that I told him too soon. He never had a chance to fall deeply in love with me. Unlike your man, even though he was grateful that I told him, he didn't find himself relieved.

If you have any information for me to share with my partner I would really appreciate it. I once went on a website where the founder of the site was a woman who had herpes and she had been married for 20 years and her husband is virus free. I was trying to find that site again but I can't. Any information that could help saving my relationship, would be highly appreciated.
Thank you in advance and thank you for sharing your story with people like me. You seem very good to people, the way you try to encourage them. Thank you Lisa. The world need people like you.

//Desperate-74


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C16679admin
Member since Aug-29-06
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Mar-18-07, 02:32 PM (CST)
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147. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #146
 
   Q2007--

Please read around on our site here, and consider starting your own thread over in Support where way more people will see what you've written.

I think the best thing you can do with your b/f is try to explain to him how hard this is for you, that you got scared, but don't mean to give him the idea that you aren't looking for a serious relationship. He needs to read some good solid info. and then it's up to him whether he can deal with the risk.

Luckily this site is filled with great info. You can read (and print out for him if you want)the Westover Heights manual (link on our front page). Also www.ashastd.org has good info. in a concise format. You should look around our site--check out the Technical folder, too. The people here are great and there are many references to actual studies to back up info. given.

I personally am a female who is positive for HSV-II--found out last August. I am still involved with the man I was primarily seeing when I found out. Both he and another recent partner tested negative. Based on those results I know I've had HSV for at least 5 years and possibly as long as 16 years. There are other people on this site who have had HSV for a very long time. Rajah is positive and his wife is negative. Lenore has had Herpes since before she was married (I think she's been married around 25 years or more) and her husband has never shown symptoms. There are many "good" stories here about discordant couples. Of course, that's no guarantee about what may or may not happen in your situation.

I hope some of this helps.

C.


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auntiejessiadmin
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Mar-18-07, 03:02 PM (CST)
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148. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #147
 
I also think that you can't change someone. He has to come to terms with this, and you can't make him.

If he needs solutions to every problem, then he must struggle in a lot of ways.

Does he know that the risk of transmission is low? If all you do is avoid sex during an ob, the chance that he would get it over the course of a year is 4%. If you take daily supression, the chances are 2%. If you use condoms in addition to those, its 1%.

I don't know what you did, but this relationship sounds like it has a lot of hurdles. Are you sure you are both willing to get thru all this?

Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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Lisa2
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Mar-19-07, 08:04 PM (CST)
 
149. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #146
 
   Hi there sweetie...don't be desperate. Really. When we go around thinking/saying things like herpes is the worst thing that ever happened to us, people pick up on that- it makes it seem worse than it is. I think it makes our partners less receptive to the idea of possibly exposing themselves as well.

Others here have given you some good advice. If you know you have herpes and take antivirals and use condoms, and are aware of your symptoms, the risk is really very low- as another poster mentioned, about 1% a year.

About 1/3 of women 25-35 have HSV2, and 90% of them don't know---it's much easier to get herpes from someone who things they don't have it, and thinks their mild OB's are yeast infections and has sex anyway...without protection...get the picture? Add in the majority of population that has oral HSV1, and the prevalence of oral sex, the fact is most people have taken the risk of getting genital herpes many times over without even knowing it. Because of this, the idea of rejecting someone due to herpes , especially when it is very well controlled as yours is, just doesn't make sense to me. Moving on to someone else will not necessarily be any safer. If you're at a stage when you're not sure if you'll stay together, then antivirals and suppressives may give both of you more peace of mind. But sex is NEVER risk-free with anyone- there's the risk of PREGNANCY, and all kinds of diseases people often don't even realize they have.

I am now married, to a different man than I wrote about in my original post (who didn't get herpes either). My husband is also quite comfortable with the fact I have herpes. He feels lucky to have found me and all the love and happiness we share, it's the best thing that ever happened to either of us. We have a very spontaneous sex life and never worry about herpes (I worry when I get symptoms, and have made him take antivirals "just in case" he was exposed once- turned out not to be an OB that time). Herpes is not something to ruin your sex life over- it's a skin disease, not fatal or seriously health-threatening and barely bothers most people who have it at all---in fact 90% of people causes so little problems and discomfort they don't even realize they are infected. We are now trying to have a baby so of course are not using condoms, and in fact stopped using them before we started TTC when it was at times at my cycle when we didn't need for BC, or when we used the sponge or diapragm instead. I am not on antivirals, except when I get an OB or feel possible symptoms. He doesn't worry about the possibility of getting herpes at all, and we are blissfully happy. He accepts that it is a possibility he could get it, and says if he does he knows I'll be there to help him through it. I have had one OB since we have been together. He has had no signs of contracting the virus.

I think the focus needs to be on you, and him, and the relationship and all the good things you have to offer eachother. Why put your mental focus on the one possible negative thing, rather than all the positives of your relationship?

If you want stats and studies, google herpes Hhanes III, herpes Valtrex transmission study, and herpes transmission study WALD. Those studies are probably on this site under resources as well.

Is it too late for you and this guy? I don't know. I believe that it is important for our partners to be comfortable with our status. I also believe the way we present and think about our H can have a huge impact on how others perceive it, and us, and their comfort level. While many people have herpes, most don't know and some who do know may not be upfront and tell people. So if you are the first person he's dated that has told him, how you act will influence how he perceives having herpes. Whether you and this guy work out or not, the best thing you can do for you is get informed, and work on making you the best, happiest you you can be. If you are comfortable with having herpes others will be, too.



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Rajahadmin
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Mar-19-07, 08:42 PM (CST)
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150. "Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #149
 
You hold the record for the longest continuous running thread on HHP. It's past the 5 year mark. I'm sure that the number of people that it's helped is orders of magnitude greater than the number of posts to the thread.

Congratulations on your happiness with your hubby. You certainly deserve lots of it. Good luck on the baby making.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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Lisa2
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Mar-20-07, 07:27 PM (CST)
 
151. "RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #150
 
   Thanks Rajah

I like to check in every once in awhile and see how everyone is and offer some support. I still remember how I felt emotionally about H a long time ago, and the boards were mainly full of people feeling the same way- I think it is so good for people to see those who have reached the light at the other end of the tunnel- like you You do a great service here.

Now I spend most of my online board time on TTC forums. People get very stressed out and depressed over IF. Ask any woman with infertility if she'd rather have herpes than infertility, as long as it didn't prevent her from getting pg...I think most anyone would prefer the herpes. Of course everyone has tunnel vision- the worst health concern is whatever is stressing you out at the moment. We're on C7 of trying and no luck yet...course I'm in my late 30's now so it can take awhile, nothing to worry about yet. I'll take all the good luck I can get- thanks!


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new and scared
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Mar-25-07, 08:57 PM (CST)
 
153. "RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #151
 
   Hi Lisa,

do you really find that people are accepting of Herpes? I just told someone who I was dating for a few months and have known for a year and he looked at me like I was disgusting. Am I ever going to be able to have spontaneous sex again? I just feel so stuck in a place where I don't see myself being able to date and tell people about this. The virus itself is not a problem at all - thank goodness for Valtrex. It is the stigma that I cannot fathom. I just feel so dirty and like a leper. I cannot imagine me actually telling a guy who will think this is OK. I mean, will he then have to shower the minute we are done with sex, or worse wear a rubber suit to not catch what I have. Is this going to be my life now? If so, I'd almost rather not live. I don't want to settle, yet I don't see how I will have any options. I read some peoples post who have been miserable for years. I know that probably the majority of people out there are ok with their herpes status, after all millions have it yet not too many people are visiting websites. I probably can't use web traffic as a true gage of herpes. People are either ok with it, or just living their lives and not paying attention to herpes. I also know that most people who visit these sites are probably newly diagnosed and freaking out about so it always seems worse than it is. I just think that maybe you are one of the lucky few who found happiness and found people accepting of it. I think that is the exception, not the rule. And that is what scares me.

One more thing, good luck with everything. You deserve continued happiness. I hope some day I can find it as well.


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auntiejessiadmin
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Mar-25-07, 09:39 PM (CST)
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154. "RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #153
 
LAST EDITED ON Mar-25-07 AT 09:41 PM (CST)
 
Hey NS -

I can't speak for Lisa, though I am sure she would agree with me. I have found that most people are accepting of it, and I think as you accept it more and more, others will too.

At the begining, everything is all gloom and doom - we've all been there - but it does get easier, and you will get to a point where it won't be.

I am sorry your guy reacted as he did. All that means is that he isn't the guy for you. Several years ago, I was forced to make a decision to have a hysterectomy. A "friend" said to me, "Ohhhh but what if you meet Mr. Right and he wants to have biological children, and you can't?" It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I said "Well, then he isn't MY Mr. Right, is he?" I realized in that moment that MY Mr. Right will want me for me, and won't want things I can't give him, ya know?

YOUR Mr. Right won't care about herpes, and will realize its just a stupid little virus. He will realize showering after sex is foolish (and does NOTHING to prevent infection), and will realize the risk to him is very very small. In other words, he won't care.

Hang in there,
Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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Lisa2
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Apr-04-07, 00:48 AM (CST)
 
155. "RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #153
 
   Hi New and scared,

Auntjessi had some wise words for you, and said much of what I would say. I am sorry you got a bad reaction when you told. The more comfortable you get with your herpes the more comfortable others will be. The man I wrote the original post about didn't care about the herpes, he cared about ME. As is the case with my husband (different guy). I don't think he ever thinks about it really. When we discussed it at the beginning he said if he gets it he's sure I'll know how to help him through it. Now we're focused on trying to have a baby, and that fact it isn't happening as fast as we'd like. Turns out we are dealing with some male factor IF issues (sperm analysis turned up problems). But like anything, we deal with this as a couple because that is just what you do as a couple. It's not my problem-your problem, it's what is our solution. Herpes is the same way...it's just one more thing that you deal with together...and really a very minor thing to a strong relationship. If a guy can't deal with that, and doesn't value you enough to realize you have so much more to offer than some common virus you have, then he doesn't deserve you, and would be a crappy partner who would probably not be able to deal with other challenges couples invariably face, either.

But lest I make it seem like a guy need to be in love with you to be accepting of herpes, I can say from experience that is not true either. I have had several shorter term dating relationships where I told and it was no problem, and even a couple one night stands ---did not dissuade them in the slightest. And no they didn't wear a rubber suit or shower after...but you bet I used condoms, for my safety as much theirs- that's just smart no matter what you have or don't have IMO- though as I discovered long ago you can get herpes from someone you've been with three years and thought was infection-free...that's herpes for ya. But seriously, acceptance for me is the rule not the exception, my track record is about 9 of 10 accepting if told before sexual contact occurs- not counting the 100's of guys who responded to my internet ad where I said I had herpes, 99% of whom didn't have it. Placing that ad really opened my eyes to how accepting people were---I had placed an ad without mentioning the herpes months before and you know what- one of the guys I had dated briefly and really liked (but turns out I wasn't his type physically, sigh- we never made it to herpes disclosure) contacted me for my second, herpes-disclosing ad as well. I wasn't the girl for him, but the herpes wouldn't have mattered a bit.

It seems you are still in the dark days, unfortunately- that mindset of things will never get better. I felt like that once, just like you do now. But it can and will get better. As to how fast that happens, it really is up to you. I won't lie to you- it takes some bravery, some risk taking- telling can be scary, especially at first, especially after a rejection! But as you find you get accepted and get more comfortable it gets easier, and the more comfortable you are the more comfortable others will be when you tell them.

You are right- you can't judge "life with herpes" based on the population of support boards. Most people on support boards are there because they need support. Most people like me who get on with their lives and are happy, or people who take the diagnosis in stride to begin with and don't have a lot of problems with it, don't spend their time on support boards. I come back every once in awhile because I was where you are once and this board helped me, I want to return the favor, and show people that you can feel like you do, like life is over, and come out the other side of the tunnel and find life is beautiful, and you can have all the happiness your heart can hold.

There is an ancient Chinese saying that goes, "You can only walk halfway into a dark forest before starting to come out the other side".

You may already be on your way to the life you want. I hope so.
*wishing you love, health & happiness*


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sweetnfeisty
Member since Feb-23-07
268 posts
Apr-04-07, 03:01 AM (CST)
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156. "RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #155
 
   Lisa,
That was so wonderfully put and so very true. Thanks for posting your thoughts. I hope your words will comfort N&S and so many others who are still on the dark side of the forest. I have had this for 15 years, and I sure wish there had been support boards like this one around when I was diagnosed. I think its a wonderful place of healing and knowledge.
Take care (and good luck with trying to conceive).
SNF


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new and scared
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Apr-04-07, 12:17 PM (CST)
 
157. "RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #155
 
   Thank you Lisa2. I have HSV2. May I ask which one you have? I feel like HSV 1 is so much better/easier to deal with.


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Lisa2
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Apr-19-07, 02:49 PM (CST)
 
158. "RE: Thanks for dropping in again Lisa2.."
In response to message #157
 
   I have HSV2 also.


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Jennyfromla
Guest
May-19-07, 00:32 AM (CST)
 
159. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   An angel directed me to this forum a few days ago, and tonight I found this thread. For that, I'm very thankful!

I'm 41 and my doctor called me on Tuesday night at 6:56 pm to let me know I have HSV2. I was devistated and heartbroken. I still am, to be honest. I'm a very traditional girl. I've never been married. I've only had one significant relationship in my life that was sexual, and that was 18 years ago. That realationship left a lot of scars, as many do at that age, and I threw myself into my new career and never looked back. Until recently. About 4 months ago I found myself doing a lot of reflecting on my life (good and bad). I was almost startled when I thought about the impact, being alone for so long, has had on my life. So I decided to make some changes. I joined my gym, started paying attention to how I was dressing, joined a "matching" website, and somehow I found the courage to start dating again. I was in HEAVEN! I was meeting all kinds of interesting men, who seemed to find me interesting as well!!! This was so new to me and it showed. I'd meet girlfriends for a drink and they'd look at me and say "you look different......what's different". I'd just smile. All of a sudden, when I went to my favorite social places, I was being hit on. I've never ever been hit on! EVER! I've always been the "friend of the girl who get's hit on". I had good looking men, catch eye contact with me from across the room and come over to tell me how beautiful I am. I wanted to turn around and ask who they were talking to.

I was glowing from the confidence I seemed to discover in myself. I found my strength as a woman, in my own time, and it was an amazing feeling. And to have it reflect back in attention from men, and even people in general, felt really nice for a girl who's felt invisible for much of her life.

And, in all of that, I found a man who, after several dates and lots of emails, I decided I wanted to share that itimacy with. We had a lovely date scheduled for yesterday.

But, I'm also a girl who got very unlucky at some point in the last couple of months, with very little physical contact. When my doctor called, I kept thinking, how can I have this, I haven't even had sex in YEARS! Apparently I was in enough of a situation to have contracted this virus. And, immediately, that bliss of not feeling invisible anymore, came to a screaching halt. I instantly felt ashamed, regretful, alone, confused, hurt, small, and like I now was wearing a giant red H on my forehead. I now wanted to be invisible! I can't imagine telling a family member or friend about this. Partly because, if I'm honest, I'm still thinking under the stigma and stereotype that this disease is for promiscuous women and men. I immediately decided I was undateable. Period. End of story.

But, after reading a lot about herpes this week, emailing with a very sweet man about this disease, and telling the man I just started dating that I have this (it wasn't quite the date we had planned, to say the least), things stated to look a little less dark. Maybe dim still, but not pitch black.

But, Lisa, it wasn't until I read your words here tonight, that I can now see the passage to pull myself thru this and come out on the other side.

I've had tears all week about this. Tears of mourning this new life I had just started. Tears about telling this man about my diagnosis. Tears that, if this didn't come from him, there was one instance where he may have been at risk (a very small one, but hell, I still wonder when I was really at risk!).

But my tears tonight are different. They're about the hope of getting that life back. I owe you a huge thank you. I am aware that I may wake up tomorrow morning and take two steps back into the darkness this diagnosis brought. But, I also know, there is a way to get back to where I was before this week. Although I'm still confused as to how I even contracted herpes, this is part of me. I cannot change that fact. What happens going forward now is what's important.

As the man I told last night said "you're still the same woman". I think I can believe that now. Whether he stays in my life or not, I really do think I can believe that.

I want that glow back. And now I know how to get it.......thank you Lisa!


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jennyfromla
Member since May-20-07
703 posts
May-21-07, 10:30 PM (CST)
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160. "One more thank you!"
In response to message #159
 
   I need, and want, to thank someone else here. I'm not sure where to do this, so I thought I would add it on to my post above.

Thank you Rajah, my angel! Thank you for scooping me up on another site, when I was SO scared. Thank you for answering all my questions with truth wrapped in compassion. And thank you for showing me the way here to where I read this thread that made everything brighter for me. You've been a blessing!!!

Thank you, friend!

Jenny


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Rajahadmin
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May-22-07, 10:45 AM (CST)
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161. "You're more than welcome, Jenny.."
In response to message #160
 
I hate to see people hurt and you were definitely hurting and in need of good information and a few kind words. I'm glad I was able to help. Please let me know any time I can help.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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Lisa2
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May-29-07, 08:34 PM (CST)
 
162. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #159
 
   Jenny,

I am so glad my posted helped you and you won't be wasting the time I did on this creating my own negative reality.

You can still be the "glow girl".

And btw, we aren't far apart in age. I recently got married at age 38. Herpes has never interfered in our relationship at all, except for having to restrain ourselves from intercourse during my OB's occasionally.

Keep on keeping on with the you that's finally blossoming. You have everything you need for happiness inside you right now.


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jennyfromla
Member since May-20-07
703 posts
May-30-07, 01:04 PM (CST)
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163. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #162
 
   Thanks Lisa, you have such a gift for words!

Hugs to you!


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gina-d
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Jul-09-07, 04:32 AM (CST)
 
165. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   wow, I wish I felt this way. I am newly diagnosed. I can't even begin to feel this way yet. I don't want anyone to know. My ob was so minor I think I am in denial and want to believe it willl never come back again. My boyfriend won't have anything to do with me. As if it is all my fault. I asked him to be checked out before we had sex, as I was too. I remember the doc saying that herpes cannot be checked out unless there is a an outbreak, so i was tested for everything alse and it came back normal. Is it so that you can only be tested if there is an ob? Because almost a year into the relationship, i had my first and only OB. Then my partner went and got checked by a blood test, and he came up positive. So I am a bit confused about that. When I went into the doc, they told me differently. So, is there a test with out an OB? Is it also true that you can have only one OB and maybe never have one again? My ob was in the crease of my buttock and leg, not the vaginal area. The doc said the first ob is the worst, so if that is true, then I am happy aobut that. When is it contagious? At what stage? How do you begin to tell this to a partner? Help me please.
thank you.


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
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Jul-09-07, 11:31 AM (CST)
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166. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #165
 
HI there -

You might want to start a new thread of your own, since this might get lost in this long one.

Docs can be total morons with herpes, so it doesn't surprise me that yours was wrong. There are blood tests available, and given that your bf's was positive, that means he was already infected. Do you know what type he has? Do you know what type you have?

Its sounding like he gave it to you, but since you didn't have a blood test done that day, that's going to be hard to ever prove.

It is true that you can have one ob and then never have one again, but its more likely with type 1 genitally. You would still have herpes, though.

You should read the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com for more info on this.

Hang in there, and read all you can.

Welcome!!

Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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lynn23
Member since May-10-07
168 posts
Jul-09-07, 02:54 PM (CST)
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167. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #166
 
   OMG you could really get lost in here I don't think I have EVER seen a post with this many replies. This is a very good story of hope for everyone out there that has little to none. If you only knew how many people you have helped carma will come back for you...FOR SURE I believe that good people deserve good things, and with you helping all of these people and reading through the responces that you have recieved, one way or another you will be gratly thanked for the inspiration that you have given!!!

Lynn


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Lisa2
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Jul-17-07, 10:54 PM (CST)
 
170. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #167
 
   Thanks Lynn for your sweet message. I am very blessed with a wonderful loving husband and hope that soon we will be blessed with a baby. And if Karma can bring me any luck in that---I'll take it!


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Lisa2
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Jul-17-07, 10:47 PM (CST)
 
169. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #165
 
   Hi Gina,

Sorry to hear your BF is being such a jerk, especially as it seems quite possible he gave you herpes and not the other way around. The truth is though most people who have it simply don't know---90% of those infected are unaware of the infection. That is because the "average" case of herpes is very mild. Hopefully yours will be mild too.

You've already gotten answers on the blood test. There are recent antibodies and long term antibodies, so you might get a blood test now and see what lkind you have. Yes it is possible to get a primary and never get one again, but one can never assume they will never get one again, unfortunately. I went for 5 years after my primary before I had a recurrence. It is also true that the first is the worst.

As for telling, it maya take you a little while to get comfortable with the concept of herpes, and not to feel bad when you say the word. There is so much stigma out there about herpes and many of us internalize that, and blow what herpes actually IS all out of proportion.If uyou got a cold sore once every few years you'd avoid kissing and oral sex then. Herpes is the same. But partners do deserve to know.

You know the thing is when I first got herpes I thought nop one I wanted would want to have sex with me if I told them. I catastrophiszed it in my mind. But you know what--- 9 of 10 partners I've told have been accepting. In fact, to my surprise, I've found that some guys have become even MORE impressed with me and interested in me after I told, because they know it isn't an easy thing to say and they are impressed by my honesty. Good character can be hard to find these days, and when you tell someone you have herpes before you put them at risk, you are demonstrating your honesty and good character.

While I am married now and no longer have to have the talk with new partners, I do think it is easier now then when I got herpes, with all those Valtrex commercials on evry day that show +/- couples on TV and promote suppression. When I got herpes, there were no studies that proved suppressives reduced the risk of transmission. I think herpes is much more accepted now, and more people realize it is just one of those things you work around.

Herpes is most contagious during an OB and sex should be avoided at that time. Most asymptomatic shedding occurs the week bnefore and after an OB, so that is also a risky time. You can have shedding at any time, but that doesn't mean you are contagious all the time. Herpes also tends to become less contagious the longer you've had it. For female to male transmission, there is an average risk of 4% A YEAR if you avoid sex during OB's and don't use condoms. Using condoms can bring that risk to about 2%, and antivirals can bring the risk to about 1% a YEAR. Very, very low. Of course, some people are moprecontagious than others, and people tend to be most contagious the year after they get herpes, with risk decreasing slowly year by year after that. My last OB was a few months ago, and I've had herpes over ten years. Yet I've never given it to a partner, and I've had long term relations with negative partners where we didn't use condoms. Including of course, my marriage. Actually, we are trying for a baby!

The right time to tell a partner is before you put them at any risk of contracting herpes- no matter how small. I like to tell a few weeks before I think I will want to have sex with someone. The way to tell is to let them know there are some things you will need to talk about before you have sex. And when the time is right, to bring it up in terms of a MUTUAL discussion of sexual health and any potenetial risks- both you and them. You should also discuss birth control. This is simply responsible adult behavior, being considerate of your partners health and responsible with your own. In addition to disclosing your history, you should also ask theirs- testing status, risk factors, known history of genital warts/HPV, oral/gen herpes, other transmissible diseases. For me, when I disclosed, I would ask partners if they had any questions, and said if they wanted more info I could send them some, and that before I would be willing to sleep with them I wanted to make sure they were totally comfortable with my status. That I was fine with using condoms and prefer to use them in the early stages of a relationship, that herpes wasn't a big deal to me or my life and my past partners hadn't had any problem with it, and that I like to give and recieve in bed, including oral, and expect to be treated the same as anyone else, and if they weren't totally comfortable, then I understood but that I wasn't willing to settle for less than 100% enthusiasm, so we should just not go there.

And let me tell you, by the time I was comfortable enough to say this, they ALL wanted to go there.

Confidence is very sexy. Rememeber that having a relationship including sex with you is a priviledge and a pleasure. Anyone would be lucky to be with you, herpes or no. Anyone who is not mature enough to be comfortable with your herpes status or value you enough to be willing to accept that doesn't meet up to YOUR standards of what you deserve for yourself. You deserve someone who feels lucky to be with you. And with the right attitude, you will find him.

It doesn't happen overnight, but you were just diagnosed. But realize that millions of us have herpes and have relationships and get married just like anyone else all the time, and there is no reason you can't be just as successful in love and life.

(((HUGS))) Everything is going to be alright, as long as you let it. I promise.


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Happy111
Member since Jun-27-07
19 posts
Jul-20-07, 05:17 PM (CST)
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171. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #169
 
   Thank you, Lisa, for an incredibly helpful post. It's nice to hear how well things worked out for you, and you gave some great advice. It is so nice to have such specific instructions on how to have "the talk". I was recently diagnosed with herpes (type 2), and then dumped by the guy I was dating when I told him, and I have been feeling really aprehensive about having to have the talk when I do meet someone new. I really like your approach. I've actually printed out your post to hold onto for when I need to have the conversation!


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LadyM
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Aug-02-07, 07:41 AM (CST)
 
172. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Sometimes I feel the dirtiest person around. What is this damn thing moving around in my body. Once I was diagnosed, I thought this is it for me. I did believe I would be confined to a life of lonliness and solitude. How do you tell someone about this without them looking at you like your crazy. However, I have found this web-site and your story to be uplifting and inspiring. I laugh to myself now because I realize that I was putting too much negative energy into it. There is so much information available and so many stories that are shared by others like yourself I've finally been able to get a better grip of the situation. Although it's hard to imagine that I can find my true love. Someone as open as the person you've met. Your story has provided hope. I suppose not all people are narrow minded. Like you, I do not practice any form of religion but I am spiritual and believe in staying connected. Right now, I am trying to find a knowledgeable and compassionate doctor as well as finding the right method of treatment to help me. Thank you for sharing your story it does provide a light at the end of the Tunnel.


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Lisa2
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Aug-02-07, 05:02 PM (CST)
 
173. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #172
 
   LadyM,

You are not dirty, at least not dirtier than anywone else. The thing is, as human beings, we are all walking Petri dishes. Our mouths and gut are teeming with bacteria- some good, and some bad. Every human carrier viruses as well, we all have forms of HPV (there are hundreds of kinds of HPV responsible for all kinds of warts all over the body, not just in the genital area). 80-90% of the population gets some form of herpes that can cause GHSV by the time they get to age 80. Over 1 in 4 have genital herpes.

My original story was one love relationship I had. It did not work out, for reasons that have nothing to do with herpes. But I did find Mr. Right, and am now very happily married to a wonderful man who also does not have herpes, and is not troubled by the fact I do. He adores me and says I am the best thing to ever happen to him and I feel the same about him. I met him in RL and we dated just like any normal couple would. I told him about the herpes before we got physical and it was no big deal.

The thing about love is it does require you to take some risk- whether you have herpes or not, putting your heart out there always carries a possibility it will get broken. But as they say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and you cannot win if you do not play. Life is like that too. Stats around here run about 3 of 4 partners being accepting when told about herpes, my experience is that with the right attitude and comfort with your diagnosis this is more like 9 of 10 for all kinds of relationships, from casual to serious. The biggest obstacles to relationships I have had since getting herpes have not been the herpes, but my own fear---when I git this, like you, thinking I'd be alone forever no one would want me with this etc...which I have found is the furthest thing from the truth- it just is not reality-based, it's pure negative thinking.

I wish you luck in finding a good doctor to take care of the physical side of things, and then I hope you will get to work on starting to live and love again fully. Happiness is out there for you if you are willing to let it into your life.


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Hannah
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Sep-01-07, 07:34 AM (CST)
 
174. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I am 16 and have just found out i have herpes...i think it is from my boyfriend who has type 1 and suffers from cold sores. At first i did the same as you did and worried alot..especially about telling him but after getting information about what it acutally is, i am completely fine about it! And i needn't have been worried about telling my boyfriend because he was brilliant about it!

I definitely know that there is happiness after herpes...even though i have only had it for a week!


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Rajahadmin
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15672 posts
Sep-01-07, 05:15 PM (CST)
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175. "Good for you, Hannah..."
In response to message #174
 
It doesn't have to be a big deal. I'm glad you've got a good perspective about it. You'll be just fine.

"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Paraphrased from Mark Twain


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gman
Guest
Oct-14-07, 03:08 AM (CST)
 
179. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   hi have just found out i have genital herpes, and feel shocking! just wanted to say after reading your post i feel a bit more possitve thanks heaps.


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Thoughtful Mind
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Oct-30-07, 10:19 PM (CST)
 
181. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   I just want to first commend you on the strength that flows out of this masterpiece! I was diagnosed with herpes back in 2001 when I was 16 yrs old. Coming from a very religious family I was married at a young age. My ex-husband was 23 at the time and used to get cold sores. I knew about STD's but was not very educated on Herpes. I didn't even know that cold sores were a type of herpes. Being a married couple we practiced oral sex and a few day's later after we first engaged in this, I noticed some bumps in my vaginal area. I went to my gynecologist with my mother, a culture was taken and I was told I had herpes. Devastated is not the word to describe how I felt. I was ruined! I was so angry with myself for letting him anywhere near my vagina with a cold sore! I berated myself and wondered how I could have been so stupid. I went home crying to my ex that I had herpes and that he had given it to me. He went running out of the door to the doctor. He came back a while later and had the nerve to tell me he couldn't have herpes. His doctor he claims told him that if he had herpes he would have been in a lot of pain and that he would have sores on his penis. He basically denied it and even acted like he didnít have it. Well that was the last breakout I had. I eventually forgave him begrudgingly and figured we would be together forever which was a lie! Anyway I got pregnant a year later. I was told that I may need to have a sea-section if I had an outbreak while my son was born. Thank god I didnít have an outbreak and I delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy who is 5 years old now. Me and my ex ended up getting a divorce, he turned out to be a no good street rat and a horrible father. Not only did he give me herpes but he couldnít even stick around and be a father to his child and on top of that is a drug dealing jailbird! I just recently starting talking with someone and we really like each other. I was debating when to tell him about herpes when one night when we were talking he asked me If I had gotten anything from my ex. I believe this was god's way of making it easy on me to tell him because I had been racking my brain on how to break the news to him. I just came out and told him. He was quiet at first like he was in shock. I told him that I understood if he didn't want to continue the relationship. I told him I donít get outbreaks at all. And that the last one I had was before my son was born. And that if I hadn't gotten that first outbreak and gone to the doctor I wouldn't even know I had Herpes at all. I never suffer from it I donít have any outbreaks. And the initial one I had wasn't even painful. He is digesting everything and I've been going online to different websites and reading him information on herpes. I explained to him that even though I donít have outbreaks I can still spread herpes because of the asymptomatic shedding which I just recently learned about. I recently went to get a blood test because I just want to know if the antibodies exist in my blood. I am not sure where are relationship is going to go. I am used to being let down and hurt so I already have my guard up. I havenít been calling him that much lately because I am afraid of rejection and have already fallen for him. And I donít want to fall any deeper because I know I will feel depressed if he decides he doesnít want to pursue a relationship with me. I canít blame him though he has that right. Sometimes I put up a barrier or try to act like I donít care about him as a defense mechanism. It just hurts sometimes because I already suffer with low self esteem and to have herpes just feels like another reason why I have to be alone or have trifling uncaring men. I feel like I always get the shit end of the stick. But I have been giving myself pep talks. And I know deep down inside god is going to send me the person that is right for me and who will accept me for who I am. I am still the person I have always been and I am going to try my best to stay strong and refuse to let herpes define who I am!


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auntiejessiadmin
Member since May-14-05
18073 posts
Oct-31-07, 08:37 AM (CST)
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182. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #181
 
LAST EDITED ON Oct-31-07 AT 08:38 AM (CST)
 
Hi there -

It sounds like you probably have ghsv1, and the fact that you don't have subsequent outbreaks is typical of that. 50% of people with ghsv1 don't ever have another ob.

Your new man has to be tested for herpes, to find out if he has it already. Up to 80% of the population has hsv1 antibodies, and if he does, he will have significant protection against getting it from you.

GHSV1 sheds a lot less than ghsv2, about 3% of days per year vs 15% of days per year. This means its a lot less infectious.

Don't pull away from this guy before you all have a chance to talk about it more. Herpes is a lot easier to find than a good relationship is, so give it a chance. If you act like its something horrible, he will think its horrible.

You might also want to make your own post, since this thread is so long, and things can get lost easily in it.

Jess

"In those times you seem to forget, I don't mind reminding you that you are a beautiful soul." ~ Cindy Campo

Paragraphs are beautiful things.

You can google, too.


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Lisa2
Guest
Jan-03-08, 03:34 PM (CST)
 
189. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #181
 
   Thank you, and good luck with everything. I have to say I think you are making a bigger deal of this in your head and to your potential partner than it really is (I know, I've been there, I did this at one point too with my HSV2, and that is more contagious than what you have!). MOST people have HSV1, and it is actually more contagious if you have it on the mouth than genitally. Given that MOST people have oral sex, you're probably less likely to transit the virius to him than the average person, and chances are you can't anyway because the chances are greater than not he already has HSV1 anyway.

Good luck and I hope that you can move past this little stumbling block into your next good relationship.


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newbie
Guest
Nov-05-07, 03:14 PM (CST)
 
183. "RE: Happiness After Herpes"
In response to message #0
 
   Hello, I know you posted your story a long time ago, but I really hope you come back and see some of the reply's you have had.

I really want to say a massive thankyou for telling your story and giving me hope and comfort, the person you described so long ago is me today. Some days are good days and I can see hope and believe there will be happiness for me, other days are a struggle and filled with an unbelievable feeling of sadness and fear. But everytime I begin to feel like that I will come back here and read your post and remind myself to be strong and to keep smiling. Thank you so much, you have helped me more than I can ever describe x


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