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Subject: "Actively trying to create a great success story!!"     Previous Topic | Next Topic
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Member since May-5-12
2 posts
May-05-12, 06:28 PM (CST)
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"Actively trying to create a great success story!!"
   LAST EDITED ON May-05-12 AT 06:56 PM (CDST)

A friend and I have finally acted on long dormant underlying mutual attraction and it is fabulous. We were doing some fairly innocent cuddling the other night and he told me he has herpes. I do not (that I am aware of, but will get it checked out) This is definitely NOT a deal breaker for me.

I am the first "new" person he has been in the position of needing to tell. (He caught it from an ex he had a wee fling with. She told him she had it when she found out, but he was a few months into a new relationship by the time he had the news. He did tell that girlfriend, but it was irrelevant as they had been having sex for months and decided to just move forward as they had been)

I'm all for creativity, and have been online all week looking for some info and have found much in terms of what NOT to do, but not much in terms of what to do. It feels like his genital area is completely off limits and that's okay, but a little difficult to resist and limiting. So, men out there, help a girl out!!

I am creative, and will figure out what rocks his boat, but I'm a little peeved that it seems like me doing any sort of oral on him is out. Kind of a bummer, because I like it. Still, NOT a deal breaker.

I don't have details about how frequently he has OBs etc. and I do know we'll have that more detailed chat. One thing he was very clear about is that, because he had infected his previous gf (using a condom, not in active OB) that penetration was out. Completely. As in never.

Now I know there are plenty of things that fit quite nicely inside me, but I also know that, assuming we grow closer and our relationship progresses, I will want the intimacy of having HIM inside me. It is a pretty special feeling that I know I'm not going to want to forgo.

I also do very much want to avoid getting getting herpes. Even if my friend and I were to become life long partners, I'm pretty sure it would be an open relationship as I really don't believe humans are naturally monogamous, so keeping herpes out of my body is important to me.

Any advice folks?

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Member since Sep-9-07
2375 posts
May-05-12, 10:36 PM (CST)
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1. "RE: Actively trying to create a great success story!!"
In response to message #0
   First thing that you will want to know is what TYPE does he have--GHSVI or GHSVII and then you will want to get tested to see if you and he share the same virus. If you do both have the same virus then you both will have the antibodies that should prevent you from reinfecting each other in another location--provided you avoid sex during symtoms as this is an opening to the body where other germs may enter.

If you do not share the same virus there are things to do to help prevent transmission. Remember that any time you have sex (with anyone)there are risks involved outside of HSV. There is no such thing as SAFE SEX only SAFER SEX. Is he on meds as in taking a daily antiviral like acyclovir, valtrex or famvir?

The risk of transmission from a positive male to a negative female is a little higher than the other way around, but the risk can be gotten down to as low as taking birth control pills and the stats are:

Avoid sex during symptoms 8% chance of transmission over a course of a year
Taking Meds or using condoms 4% chance of transmisson over the course of a year
Taking both Meds AND using condoms 2% chance of transmission over the course of a year.

Genital to oral transmission of either type does happen but it is rare--Oral HSVI is transmitted from oral to genital often as this is the most contagious of HSVs in the absence of symptoms.

Many people will test positive for HSV either I or II so it is good to get tested to know for sure where each of you stand on types. Once you know each other's type you can become better educated on it and then you can let the creativity begin.


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Member since Oct-22-04
4277 posts
May-06-12, 08:04 PM (CST)
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2. "RE: Actively trying to create a great success story!!"
In response to message #0
   You should get tested and it's also important to know which type that he has since it makes a difference in transmission rates.

Oral HSV2 is extremely rare and most of us don't worry about it.

You didn't say if he was taking antivirals, but using a condom and taking antivirals drops the risk to what most people consider acceptable. I think Raven gave you the statistics which I never can remember. It's comparable to the risk of getting pregnant while taking birth control pills, a risk people take all the time and when you have a child it lasts forever, just like herpes.

I think it's a shock when someone tells you that they have herpes, but if you've had sex with more than 5 men statistically one of them has had herpes. 60% of us have oral HSV1 which is easily passed on via oral sex and is the most common way people in the younger age group get genital herpes.

Deciding never to have sex again is a little extreme. I consider herpes annoying, like a headache or menstrual cramps, but not really a huge issue and I've had HSV2 for over 30 years.

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